The continuous headache I've had over the past 4 days since dropping to 11mg's of Suboxone (Bupe) is now acting as a constant reminder of what will soon be a very real reality...I will be free of physical opiate dependence. So damn soon I can taste it. Metaphorically, getting this Naltrexone Implant is like eating a chili; I get the implant, it hurts for awhile (intense heat), and after feeling lousy (prolonged burning), the endorphins get produced, and I end up feeling on top of the world! I cannot fail at this. The reality is dawning on me, an oppressive weight of realization attempting to spark fear, my demons whispering to me, urging me to "fuck the idea Naltrexone and being clean, it's so much easier remain on Bupe"...this is a thought that passes seemingly every 5 seconds in me, and it's not mine.
My true inner voice, the intuitive voice, is urging me to go clean NOW and not to prolong the pain by waiting, just "DO IT" is repeated as often as the former. And for the latter, I'm damn thankful as I follow it's advice and my life suddenly begins to have hope again. Still being on Lexapro may help with the depression, as I plan to remain on it for at least another 6 to 9 months, maybe longer.
My biggest question is, WHO will I be after Suboxone? My life revolves around this drug, completely. It is central to my thought processes, my decision making, my personality, how much I socialize, my mood and the list goes on. Some super ultra intensive therapy may need to be in order for me I reckon! I want my ability to lust returned, which by the way I had a glimpse of today when I saw a fine specimen at my local shopping plaza today, HOT! My body immediately reacted, my breath shortened, my heart sped up, my eyes flashed and I felt...well damn horny and folks this is not usual for me, as Lexapro and Suboxone are combination libido inhibitors in my case! This something for me to look forward to, and a definite determination booster!
Don't get me wrong, I still work 'down there', unfortunately on the medication it can take quite awhile, the long time I have learnt to thoroughly enjoy! I welcome these changes with open arms, alongside the other abilities such as expressional love, and to closely bond with other humans fully, will be returned. I wonder if I'll spontaneously orgasm again? :o It used to happen to me in the past when withdrawing as I'd strangely become super sensitive and ultra horny. As to whether it will happen again or not, we'll see, and I'll be sure to update you on that! :P
Years ago I used to be shy and somehow I don't remember when I stopped that coy behavior. Was it after Lexapro or some other antidepressant I took? Did I just grow out of it or will it return when I come off Suboxone? IS it Suboxone or other opioids and opiates in general? Maybe I'm one of those people who can never feel normal after opiate addiction? Questions. Questions...
Life after Suboxone. I should write a book about my withdrawal and how I got through it after this whole detox and Implant is done. What do you reckon? Like anyone even reads this yet...If you do, please send me some love, a comment will do!
Love and Light
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mate your blog is really intriguing...... you write very movingly, I've linking you to my blog so I can keep checking in...... I too take a cocktail of meds which are causing all sorts of havoc in my life....... maybe we can discuss/bitch about the whole thing sometime? hehe
ReplyDeleteCheers
Thomas:)
Wow, I am so happy you wrote on my blog.
ReplyDeleteAs I am sure you saw, I am also on suboxone. I got onto it in August of 2006. I was on 16mg for awhile, but began reducing my dose a year ago so that I am now on 2 or 3 mg a day. I didn't experience any withdrawals during the taper.
Like you, I am terrified yet anxious to get off suboxone. I have only noticed, recently, that I use it to socialize. I always plan meeting people immediately after I take a dose. I wasn't that way before, but now I am. It only seems to be the first meeting them part - after that I am fine.
I know getting off will be bad, but not that bad. I decided to cold turkey it this summer back home. I got some sleeping pills which should help with the insomnia and such. I think people make the withdrawal out to be more than it really is.
Us opiate addicts tend to over think things and let anxiety get the best of us. I had real sexual side effects on suboxone for awhile, and I was afraid i had permanentaly destroyed my sex drive. Since my dose has gone below 5mg a day I have had a rearousal of my sex drive. It's not what it was pre-opiates, but I know I will get back there once I am off the stuff entirely for a few months.
And one more thing, all opiate addicts can and do recover completely if they abstain for a long period of time. The cravings go away entirely after a year or so (sometimes in less than a month) and your natural endorphins will kick back in. In the end, you will be so happy, as will I, that we got off this shit.
Thanks so much for your comments, the first!
ReplyDeleteTom, thanks so much for the link to my blog I really appreciate it, I shall link to your blog when I find it in a mo. I'd love to have a bitch fest about drugs one day fo sure!!!
CBH, Your blog rocks! I too use Suboxone to socialize as I feel the urge to almost non stop talk when 'glowing' on Suboxone during the few hours after the dose, and without it I don't say much unless I really have to, being a 'thinker' and all. Yes we do over think, I agree fully!
Finally someone else on Suboxone too that I can talk to, I don't know anyone else on it personally, only methadone patients. Naltrexone next week, it's just like cold Turkey! I have also linked to your blog from mine.
We will win against Bupe addiction!
Thanks guys
Pisceus
I was on sub to get off hydro codone.
ReplyDeleteIt was a Godsend, but when i came off of it quickly it sent me into pure Hell. I thought I never would be normal again. Then about 3 weeks later, i got my smile back. Then i started drinking (stupid) i know. Been to rehab and am out and drinking again. 2 women i met in rehab have been put on sub for the rest of their lives. They were using prescriptions and alcohol. I am seriously considering finding a dr. who will put me on it forever. I never felt better than when i was on it. I just want to feel good again and normal. Thanks for your insight. TJ
If you’re an alcoholic or drug addict, there’s no better way to treat the disease of addiction than in an addiction recovery program at a certified addiction center.
ReplyDeleteIf I may make a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteTry and slow your thinking process. What is going to happpen? Who the fuck knows. Just be with the moments. This takes time to learn. I to take suboxone, I was on 32 mgs. at one point following a surgery. I now take 4. I treat it like a multi-vitamin. What is going to happen when I, if I, finally taper down to nothing? No clue, but I know I will be alright ultimately. I miss being high all the time, but it wasn't as good as things are today. All I need to be concerned with is right now, this moment. The rest is coming, like it or not. Welcome it. You can choose how you want to be. I wish you the best of luck in your process. Just relax yourself as best as possible ;). Work to control your thoughts and let the situation just be.
Steve
I like your post. It is good to see you verbalize from the heart and clarity on this important subject can be easily observed... suboxone clinic
ReplyDelete