Insomnia and Withdrawal

The past two nights I really am getting a tiny glimpse into what is soon to be a dark and very lonely 8 hours attached to my day. Last night yet again I lay restless and awake, the urge to continually move my limbs too strong to resist. Well they move themselves actually! See, my legs have developed life on their own, scaring the fuck out of me in the process due to the jolting nature of night leg kicks and restless leg! I am yet to go and collect today's dose of Suboxone and the pharmacy opens in 10 minutes but I am feeling so lethargic but I will go, of course I will, it could be my last day on Suboxone, ever. That very thought overwhelms me. I will then make the relevant calls, say 'its time' and book a flight to Perth and say goodbye to Suboxone, for good!

The realization of the implications of jumping from 11 mg's to 0mg's of bupe, then straight onto Naltrexone Implant, for a speedier withdrawal is dawning on me. Man it's gone fucken hurt and I am comprehending it, remembering the days of yore when I felt withdrawal pains every day. I haven't felt hard withdrawal since I went on Suboxone and I am slowly remembering the nights of agony and insomnia and wishing to die. This time, no way will I let fear and it's poisonous tentacles into my heart or thought processes regarding addiction anymore. If I don't go this weekend for the Naltrexone Implant, it will surely be the next...if I let it get too long I may fuck up and my addiction demon will change my mind.

My support network is gaining momentum and financial help offers come in. I have had faith that the money would come from somewhere, and it is. My mum looked shocked when I told her last night the procedure was all but paid for. She had said no way to paying for my implant as she doesn't believe I will be drug free. I said at least donate something to the center giving me the Implant that will save my life, and hopefully the life of my younger and very alcoholic brother when I urge him to seek treatment. She blindly and predictably said 'Why Should I, it's MY MONEY'.

That statement always makes me sad, money is so damn evil it is immoral. I don't care to hold onto money as my Creator has ALWAYS provided for me. I'm not religious but I have faith. I share my belongings with everyone, I always give them away, not selling, simply giving. I get a lot in return for selflessness, it works...

Well I'm gonna shower and visit the pharmacy for Suboxone. I just swallowed a Lexapro tab, sipped my last sip of tea, and sat up straight! My back is lightly aching, I have the yawns, yet my brain feels ALIVE, and my current temperament is happy!

Love and Light

Pisceus