Friday, February 20, 2009

Insanity Smiles

Insanity Smiles?

What the fuck are they, you might ask?

Well it is 7:30am on the morning I'm supposed to be getting the implant, and once again I'm sitting here in icky withdrawal for nothing.

I also have another major case of the insanity smiles...let me explain how an insanity smile works in me and when/why I get them!

Example of an 'Insanity Smile'!



OK when it hits 28-30 hours after my last Suboxone dose, I begin feeling very fatigued, uneasy and wary of everything.

By this time my drug craving mind, in early dope sickness, begins to panic as my buprenorphine levels dwindle and my flight or fight reaction begins revving up.

Thus my endogenous norepinephrine levels begin to rise and add substantially to the inner nervous tension; which when combined with an anxious and beginning to be delirious mind, cause the famous insanity smiles!



Recently when going thru this terrible affliction I saw an old man fall over in front of me. Now ordinarily I'd go up and help him...not when I've got the insanity smiles however!

I felt like a royal bastard and like I was literally fucking insane laughing at this poor old man in his fallen misery. I continued to have the giggles from then on until I had my Suboxone dose 2 hours later, whereupon the smiles immediately disappear as the slightly euphoric glow kicks in!

I'd better be careful lest this affliction have deleterious effects on my relationships!



Such is the indiscriminate effect of the insanity smiles!

A serious affliction of sorts...


Thursday, February 19, 2009

A New Job! Fuck Me Dead...

How fucking awful and yet amazing life is!



First, my plans go down the shitter in regards to the Implant and the whole Naltrexone detoxing on 21st so I write a blog post about it to have a bitch,
then shortly afterwards I receive a full time job offer by phone, to start Monday 23rd!

Precision timing.

If I had've still been able to get the Implant this weekend, I wouldn't have possibly been able to take this job as I'd have been too dope sick and weak to work.


So it would seem that yet again...



...has changed the direction of my life with another swift dose of mind fuck along the way.


My mother is pseudo pissed off that I am not using the airfare to Perth, well I gave her the money back for it so I don't know why.

I reckon she thinks I've changed my mind about Naltrexone...no mother, I still intend to be clean of Buprenorphine by the years end if my current doctor will let me.


I'm still in the process of finding a doctor I can trust. It may take me forever.

A doctor that won't say...



That would be too much to bear...no more fucking pills.

Only God really knows how much I actually love and crave pills, how much I dream about them.

Especially OxyContin.

I haven't had such pleasure for years and yesterday I seen a pharmacist holding three packets of 40mg tabs and I instantly got massive cravings for the Oxy, I mean, MASSIVE!



Luckily another pharmacist came and handed me my Suboxone dose in a plastic cup which immediately occupied my mind, and I hightailed it out of there!


Only a junkies' heart would pound and his mouth almost begin drooling when laying his eyes on hardcore pharmaceuticals such as OxyContin tablets!

Thoughts racing, voices telling him to do terrible things to acquire said pills.

Like mine did.

Thoughts that even under extreme desperation I would never carry through as robbing pharmacies is not my scene unfortunately. I found a little document that sums up why:



I don't agree that telling the police everything is good but the rest, hmmmm, I can live with!

All thanks to Kelly for her magnificent and touching rhyme on the importance of not stealing!

This is what Pa had to say about it, he's a grifter from way back...



So to finish off this post without you falling asleep!

Pisceus

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Blog Facelift

With the new direction I've been forced to take in my life regarding opioid addiction treatment, this inevitably means my blog plan has changed significantly and thus will take a new direction also as my treatment now must go over the long term due to Australian 'standards' and 'regulations' on health care.

So I've decided to incorporate all aspects of my gay pill popping life into one blog!

Whilst I am much more relieved at the thought of not detoxing immediately, I rue the thought of 11 more months on Suboxone.

My chemical captor Buprenorphine in all it's structural glory!



So to counter this new disappointment I gave my blog a face lift with my new found online surgical abilities!

Now if only
I could get a face lift for my ravaged 27 year old skin...like Nancy Pelozi here! lol



PS: It's also my 28th birthday very soon!

Who's gone buy me a face lift?

Hell, even botox will do!


Shattered.

Shattered.

It seems all my elaborate planning for a February 21st implanting has been put on hold. For ethical reasons, a certain physician cannot treat me until I am sufficiently withdrawn from Suboxone for 14 days prior, as per the Australian standard. Bollox I say...

So what does this mean for me?

I have to consider my other options, and the only real medically approved way of coming off Suboxone is to taper slowly and detoxify in eleven or so months, minimum. Damn, shit and fuck.

All that insomnia I went thru while trying to speed up my withdrawal was basically for nothing.

NOTHING!!!

My prescribing doctor won't allow me to taper any faster than one mg per month as he believes I'll relapse into drug abuse if I taper too quickly or withdraw. So all in all this pharmacotherapeutic prison sentence called buprenorphine maintenance has just been extended considerably, and thus I weep.

In some ways I am relieved I won't have to go thru the agony of Naltrexone precipitated withdrawal. But in many more ways I am furious. This was my huge plan, something that was to empower me, the hardest thing I will have ever had to endured.

My inner addict is celebrating this blow to my plan as it now thinks it has won.

I say to it: See you for the next battle soon.

This is not over, not by a long shot. Upon reflection I have decided to change this blogs direction and use it as my all personal blog, although still concentrating on life as a Suboxone addict. I expect to have this blog still well and truly going when I finally am detoxified from Suboxone and can get a Naltrexone Implant.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

A Past Rampant With Drug Use

My relationship with drugs began at the tender age of 14 years old, when I began to binge drink alcohol (Southern Comfort) and smoke marijuana with my cousin and his friends.

As I was one of those kids who were being bashed everyday at home by a hateful stepfather I welcomed the mood altering drugs with open arms, getting pissed or stoned began to be my escape from a heavily bruised and oft painful reality.

Going to school was no better...All I ever used to hear were the words: Faggot, poofter, homo, queer, ass fucker, gay...the list goes on and I was bullied relentlessly for my assumed homosexuality.


Fast forward to 18 years old and I now smoke marijuana daily and drink dangerously with pills thrown on top to amplify the effect. By this time my love of pills was developing swimmingly and I started using codeine irregularly and began to visit various doctors for pills. It was here I became a benzodiazepine addict, using: diazepam, oxazepam, alprazolam and temazepam. Mainly Alprazolam and Diazepam.

After several nasty incidents involving benzo's and alcohol, I said goodbye to my old friend ethanol and remained on Xanax. By age 21 and I have completely gone sober from Alcohol and turned full pelt onto marijuana and various types of pills. By this age I had experimented with methamphetamine, MDMA, LSD, cocaine, and 37 different prescription or over the counter pills. I was a bona fide pill junkie!

23 years old and I had an adult circumcision. Fucken ouch! This procedure was my downfall, it was here I fell in love with oxycodone and have never been opioid free since. Immediately I became addicted to opiates, thru the oxycodone, when I ran out I began using large amounts of codeine for my 'erection' pains! I gave up the benzo's at this time with the help of my drug nurse but I hid the codeine addiction from her, as I was too embarrased to admit I had already acquired a new and much more dangerous addiction. I kick myself for not addressing it then.

Fast foward 2 years and I am an utter mess and very sick on 1200mg's codeine per day, divided into 2 daily doses of 600mg. My weight has ballooned 26 kg's up to 85kg's and I AM FAT, well to me who is usually super slim at 59kg's I sure felt fat!

Occasionally swallowing benzo drugs for the hell of it and risking re addiction fucked my job up as I could barely string a sentence together when high, my boss cottoned on and I had to resign before I was fired to save my dignity. Suffering from high blood pressure, a heart murmur, anemia and vomiting daily I finally sought Suboxone, which immediately stabilized my life. I still tried to get high but it was half assed so I gave up.

Present day: No other drugs except for Suboxone, Lexapro, Caffeine and Nicotine. Marijuana was given up 6 months ago alongside cigarettes. Now only on nicotine gum. I still use Valium very sparingly and requested my doctor only give me small amounts at a time to avoid re addiction.

So that is the basics of my drug history. Of course there is so much more to tell.
I have all the time in the world to detail certain aspects of the past, which I will in due time!

I shall also post later in the day with my regular post when I feel alive as I promised myself to post daily updates. This is like a diary for me!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Sunday Smoky Sunday!

The reality of the bush fires in Victoria descended upon Melbourne with a hazy vengeance yest yesterday, remaining today and most likely for the rest of the week, making us look like Beijing on a good day! The smoke descending onto the city and surrounds from the outer city bushy areas, the smell of the burning wood a reminder that we are not safe entirely yet especially if the temperature hits 47.4c again like 'Black Saturday', (Sat 7th Feb, 09) The death toll is just awful. Minute silence.

A real time Google FIRE MAP of Melbourne and surrounds.



Enough of that, it really feels depressing here with all these fires still burning everywhere although none nowhere near my area thank God.

I also don't watch TV so I'm not confronted with these images every 5 seconds.

Let's hope we never experience an uncontained fire, ever.


So, anyway last night my main man ended up stayed over after an afternoon sms to me and helped me babysit my cousins 3 children. Fuck it was hard work looking after a 4 month old crying baby girl (but oh so cute!), a demanding 3 year old girl and an oft questioning 7 year old boy!

Thankfully it didn't go too bad at all except for a few crying and tantrum issues but kids seem to stop fairly quickly with me. I talk to them like adults and they stop misbehaving. It works for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here today...the asylum would've been needed!




I didn't get down to any action with the main man, we were both too tired although earlier I was secretly hoping for some. Amazingly I slept 6 hours last night and I attribute part of it to the exhausting task of sitting 3 children, and my main man staying in my bed the night.

I must examine this prospect more thoroughly, we really have some connection deeper than most although we argue fucken lots!

Being the drug addict I am, relationships disturb me as I don't like people knowing me so well but I want to live with this guy, I'll keep you informed! One proviso with him...


No more of this...



Or this...



Well I soon won't be doing both and it's my own choice, he is helping me achieve this goal and likes me!

Only 3 more days of Suboxone...tomorrow and the next two after it and that's it...game over. Reality will rear it's ugly head and sneer at me, grinning its toxic sentiments of 'you can't hide no more'. My inner alarm bells are going off more and more, as is the demon voice urging me to reconsider. Demanding I reconsider and remain on Suboxone for life. This voice turns vicious against me, so I know it's not my true inner voice as I am a really easygoing 'mind my own business' guy.


No I'm not schizophrenic or anything (that I know of!) and don't 'hear' voices as such like said people, rather they are simply 'thought' voices, compared to my true inner voice. That's the best I can explain it!

I also feel I am finally expanding my relationships with my main man, family and friends as I individually apologize to anyone who had to witness me overdosing pills, or were hurt by my drug use, or if I had ever lied to them about drug use.

It's helping me be more honest with myself and my loved ones and they in turn are warming to me more. Humble pie.

Well I'm off to get something for Lunch, not getting hungry often, I must stave off the anorexia causing aspect of Suboxone in me for a few more hours with a bite of food, lest I wither like an old prune (or the lady across the road!) Ouch! :P

For now, Au Revoir

The Fool!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Oh the Humanity...

I'm starting to look very frazzled and sleep deprived...my once iridescent beauty is wilting like the bad witch from Oz in a shower. Not just that, this 27 year old has a big red zit on his cheek and feels like crying, oh my life is ruined for these last 5 days I take Suboxone...I am so sick of this battle. My bathroom cabinet stocked to the brim with Avon anti acne skincare range. It usually works great as I have been zit free since using it...until now!

No amount of foundation is gonna cover this fucker and I gotta go and get my breakfast, which is...Suboxone, McDonald's Sausage muffin (no icky egg) and a nice strong English Breakfast Tea from Gloria Jeans! I probably won't eat for the rest of the day except for when I'm squirmish and irritated in the arvo...god I wish I had Xanax to counter that!

I only have to take Suboxone for 5 more days, and fuck I'm gonna miss it. Yikes my heart is growing heavy, piss off I wanna feel good on my lonely valentines day, gotta fuck myself today as my valentine bailed on me by sms late last night. Good, I thought!

My pimple (although somewhat
photo shop exaggerated!) and grim face in response to it...(yes this is actually me, 6 months ago)



The pain of it all!

Next Saturday I shall
feel like this:




Man this gut ache is making me uneasy...ouch. Gotta get off my skinny white ass and get my brekky to alleviate it! Hmmm 10:19am...too late for Macca's muffin. Also my damn cars broken so I have to walk, oh the horror of it all.

Sitting here typing this random crap in my morning pre Suboxone, acne horror delirium dancing and listening to contralto goddess Amy Winehouse belt out a husky tune about going 'back to black', I have began what I call the 'insanity smiles'! These are strange urges to smile when I'm detoxing, anyone else ever get this during early withdrawal, before it gets bad? Bizarre!

...we only said goodbye with words...I died a hundred times...you go back to her and I go back to black...sings Amy, shown below. I just love her and would go straight for Amy!



Provided she stays off the crack and away from the bleach like below:



Oh fuck this I feel lousy, I gotta go get my stuff...I'll continue this later...

1.5 hours later and I'm back. Fulfilled in 3 ways, Opioids, Macca's and Caffeine oh and don't forget nicotine (in the form of gum as I quit cigarettes and smoking choof)...now all I need is some cock and I'm sweet! And oh my God am I furious at my doctor for calling my pharmacist and asking them to convince me this morning not to get the implant, as
he claims it doesn't work.

However the 3 people I've met who are long term cured of Heroin addiction say otherwise. Fuck him, I'm the poor cunt who's opioid dependent, I'm the one who has to go thru this. My doctor can sleep assuredly each night that his natural endorphin production will continue and he gets to wake up feeling normal every morning. How long do I have to line his pockets with my addiction? He probably laughs about it each night as I toss (oh!) and turn each night!

I would feel like such a dumb cunt and a traitor to the cause if I didn't go and get this implant now. I have told EVERYONE and I ain't backing down so people can call me a 'typical junkie'.

Oh and about my liberal use of the word junkie: I call myself a junkie even though I have never touched Heroin or a syringe. I refer to anyone who is opioid dependent as a junkie, including myself. This way, I am so sensitized to the word
junkie that if anyone calls me it I have no problems while some detest the name. I know I never stole to support my habit, I had a high paying job for that. Couldn't give a fuck what some bro or ho thinks anyway.

I feel like a session smoking bongs with ex president Bush Jr? Why you may ask?

Because George Bush does and he's my hero (please note I am using dark sarcasm when I say that he is my hero!)



Also around the net is a rumor that a certain new president uses cocaine and is homosexual, see this. Hell if Mr. Obama offered me cocaine and a blow job I wouldn't say no! He's hot for his age!

After all this rambling I should mention that I am using pics in an attempt to add a little more character into this blog, something to look at in between my drug addicted ramblings, if you will.

I feel so strange today, an inaugural moment in my life where I feel compelled to better myself in as many ways as I can. Last night I dreamed that I was clean from Suboxone and living and feeling completely normally. I felt so radiant and full of life compared to what I feel now on medications. Is my consciousness expanding? I hope so, especially before 2012.

Perhaps I am healing already from my dose drops. I only took 8mg yesterday. 11mg today at the pharmacy in front of the pharmacist as required to prove I take the pills. If a non opioid addict used Suboxone at 11mg, they would be sick for 2-3 days. Insomnia, throwing up, wanting to kill themselves it was so bad...and that was my brother on 1mg and several other people even on half a mg they get so sick. Not for the faint hearted!





I shall leave you with that thought and bid you all a great Valentines day :)

Pisceus Le Mat (Pisces the Fool.)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

An Encounter With My Demons

Fuck! Last night as I lay in bed with the usual insomnia, at about 1-2am my rational mind, intuitive mind and my demons began arguing relentlessly as we have been in the past few weeks (man we used to get along just fine before I made the decision to detoxify!). It was like some swift attack from Hell, my opiate demon (whom by the way I call Morphius!), made my mind specifically concentrate on the morning of the Naltrexone Implanting, and particularly the uncomfortable Virgin Blue 6am flight to Perth which is well across the other side of Australia. This'll also be my longest flight ever at 4 hours...I don't travel far when I do due to the restrictions that the Suboxone program places on me traveling too far away.

Arrive at the airport at 4:30am for my flight and this time I shall be dope sick and showing it, I can just see it and what I'll look like. A junkie in withdrawal is not a pretty sight with watery eyes, runny noses, sniffing, sickly yawning, power sneezing, the outward appearance of the detoxee looking like we're suffering from some apocalyptic strain of influenza, but we also look much more like death...well I do anyway! Whilst thinking about this and imagining the painfully long flight a gripping fear crept up on me and just launched at me and I actually for the first time since making this decision and being confirmed for the implant, I felt shit scared. Fuck it took about 15 minutes to calm my thoughts down enough, to convince myself to deal with the detox at the time, minute by minute, even to cope second by second, as it goes in withdrawal.
This withdrawal sharpened and hastened by the cleansing actions of Naltrexone.

Also amongst some of the attack thoughts were:

Attempting to make me so terrified of the upcoming detox as to avoid this whole idea...a usual scare tactic.

That I was getting some kind of 'Mark of the Beast' and would be condemned to a fiery Hell...
(remnants from a horrid past with Christianity I reckon!)

There could be some type of hidden implant inside the Naltrexone Implant that can control my thoughts, motivations and actions...that's a new one!

I would get a horrid pus filled infection or some necrosis which will leave a big hole in my abdomen...

I will be left to suffer the most agonizing withdrawal without any Catapres or other symptomatic medication, for the first few days especially...

I'm going to remain depressed afterwards for years and will never feel better...

The list goes on I tell ya now I could list so many more fear based thoughts, courtesy of my addict demon!

As I repeatedly affirm that I am strong enough to get through this, and I know I am, it's that damn demon voice interrupting, ensuring to point out every little pain and every other sensation in my body and urge me to take pills to remedy it, particularly with Suboxone. See I crave it, just fucking love it, that bitter lemon/lime cocktail flavor I savor every morning, as I feel comfortable knowing it'll make me feel great for the day. Poisonous thoughts Ala Morphius! I'm glad I'm laughing now, because I fucken sure won't be a laughing after a weeks time!

Off that subject for a mo, it seems I can't reply to comments today as the little comment window has decided not to load. Here I want to take the time to thank those who take the time to contact me. I thank them readers so much for your awesome and also some very inspirational messages, and for sharing your similar experiences, it means so much that people are genuinely interested in seeing how I go with this whole detoxing ordeal and it's great to read your posts in return. You rock!

Here is some basic info regarding my medications and soon to receive medication:

Lexapro: 20mg white oval tab. Escitalopram is the S isomer (active part) of the parent drug Citalopram (Cipramil/Celexa) and is an SSRI anti depressant. Effective in removing anxiety long term, except for when in drug withdrawal!

Suboxone: Hexagonal white tablets in Australia. Orange elsewhere in the world. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid receptor agonist/antagonist, basically meaning that it has little high and no particular pain relief for the junkie, but works great for opioid naive people. Bupe easily removes other opioids from their receptors and move in and occupy them for up to 72 hours. Much less than that in me as I always feel lousy in the morns until I take Suboxone. Subutex is the brand name for Bupe on its own. Suboxone however has the added drug Naloxone, a full opioid antagonist which, when injected, will put the user into immediate withdrawal. Suboxone should NOT be taken if you are an addict and currently affected by another opiate, it will immediately displace them and the subsequent withdrawal lasts for 24 or so hours. Wait a couple of days first.

Naltrexone: Implant, tabs (called ReVia 50mg) or injection. Naltrexone is similar to Naloxone being that is an opioid antagonist and will rip any other opioids out of the system, causing an immediate and swifter withdrawal and after use there is a major reduction of opioid tolerance due to it's 'cleaning effect'. Resulting in the 'new user' effect. Naltrexone occupies the receptors very well and no other opiate/opioid can displace it except for certain fentanyl analogues.

To finalize, I'm doing quite good today, I feel happy and my mood is fine. I've only taken 4mg of Suboxone so far today as I begin to precipitate harder withdrawal to ease the shock of next Saturdays Naltrexone accelerated withdrawal once the implant is in, apparently it works quite fast within an hour.

The nights, however, pose a constant annoyance. It's when the negative and drug thoughts begin to attack, when I'm most vulnerable is during the night when affected by insomnia. I suspect I'll be doing a lot of night posting during my detox as I lay awake much more severely than I am currently. Some bizarre thoughts in my mind ready to escape! Thank you and...

Take great care,

Pisceus

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Even More Support

So my mother has finally jumped on my addiction bandwagon last night, which is my treatment with the Naltrexone Implant next week by Dr. O'Neil. It's my birthday in less than a month, and last night whilst essentially forcing my mother to listen to the realities of my opiate addiction, she surprisingly offered to pay for my flights from Melbourne to Perth and return, as a birthday present! Thanks mum, you've just helped in saving my life. It means the world to me. Thanks too to the lovely guys who posted comments, you rock and I truly appreciate the comments.

So I am set, it is definite, and I shall be non opiate dependent so very soon. I now have the finances in my hand, and all the means to achieve this plan. I really don't look forward to the withdrawal though, but I
need to feel it to appreciate the challenge and feel like I accomplished something many don't or won't ever do.
After the withdrawal, post-withdrawal, depression and apathy subside, I shall be very close to a 'normal' functioning human again. Although I have to learn new skills to cope without Suboxone, which is still very much central to my life. That's where I am going to see Australia's best addiction doctor, recommended by Dr. O'Neil in Perth, and that is Dr. Steve Curry in Melbourne.

Last night I got a little more sleep than the past few nights but it was still difficult to fall asleep due to not being able to stop moving my legs during the night, and the annoying sense of dis-ease that withdrawal symptoms present to the agonizing non-endomorphism affected brain as it attempts to repair itself of the damage done. I wish I could get Ibogaine treatment, it sounds awesome and seems to really work in interrupting opiate and other drug addictions in combination with being a strong psychedelic. However Ibogaine is illegal in Australia (what isnt?) and I'd have to travel to some other country to do it.

For some reason I am feeling in a particularly bright today, that is something hopeful! I must hang on to every thread of hope in this next week and beyond. Support and encouragement are vital and my support network is growing daily as my friends and family hear about my detox plans. So far I've had no negative comments from anyone except from my mother, but even now she is changing as she comprehends the seriousness of this situation. Her two eldest sons are substance abusers, the reality is hitting her I can see it. We grew up in a very violent household thanks to a child bashing step father. I will tell that story one day very soon.

That's all for now as I listen and head bang to Slayer...ouch better not, I have a rather tender headache!

ANGEL OF DEATH!!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Life After Suboxone? A Nearing Reality...So Many Questions

The continuous headache I've had over the past 4 days since dropping to 11mg's of Suboxone (Bupe) is now acting as a constant reminder of what will soon be a very real reality...I will be free of physical opiate dependence. So damn soon I can taste it. Metaphorically, getting this Naltrexone Implant is like eating a chili; I get the implant, it hurts for awhile (intense heat), and after feeling lousy (prolonged burning), the endorphins get produced, and I end up feeling on top of the world! I cannot fail at this. The reality is dawning on me, an oppressive weight of realization attempting to spark fear, my demons whispering to me, urging me to "fuck the idea Naltrexone and being clean, it's so much easier remain on Bupe"...this is a thought that passes seemingly every 5 seconds in me, and it's not mine.

My true inner voice, the intuitive voice, is urging me to go clean NOW and not to prolong the pain by waiting, just "DO IT" is repeated as often as the former. And for the latter, I'm damn thankful as I follow it's advice and my life suddenly begins to have hope again. Still being on Lexapro may help with the depression, as I plan to remain on it for at least another 6 to 9 months, maybe longer.

My biggest question is, WHO will I be after Suboxone? My life revolves around this drug, completely. It is central to my thought processes, my decision making, my personality, how much I socialize, my mood and the list goes on. Some super ultra intensive therapy may need to be in order for me I reckon! I want my ability to lust returned, which by the way I had a glimpse of today when I saw a fine specimen at my local shopping plaza today, HOT! My body immediately reacted, my breath shortened, my heart sped up, my eyes flashed and I felt...well damn horny and folks this is not usual for me, as Lexapro and Suboxone are combination libido inhibitors in my case!
This something for me to look forward to, and a definite determination booster!

Don't get me wrong, I still work 'down there', unfortunately on the medication it can take quite awhile, the long time I have learnt to thoroughly enjoy!
I welcome these changes with open arms, alongside the other abilities such as expressional love, and to closely bond with other humans fully, will be returned. I wonder if I'll spontaneously orgasm again? :o It used to happen to me in the past when withdrawing as I'd strangely become super sensitive and ultra horny. As to whether it will happen again or not, we'll see, and I'll be sure to update you on that! :P

Years ago I used to be shy and somehow I don't remember when I stopped that coy behavior. Was it after Lexapro or some other antidepressant I took? Did I just grow out of it or will it return when I come off Suboxone? IS it Suboxone or other opioids and opiates in general? Maybe I'm one of those people who can never feel normal after opiate addiction? Questions.
Questions...

Life after Suboxone.
I should write a book about my withdrawal and how I got through it after this whole detox and Implant is done. What do you reckon? Like anyone even reads this yet...If you do, please send me some love, a comment will do!

Love and Light









Insomnia and Withdrawal

The past two nights I really am getting a tiny glimpse into what is soon to be a dark and very lonely 8 hours attached to my day. Last night yet again I lay restless and awake, the urge to continually move my limbs too strong to resist. Well they move themselves actually! See, my legs have developed life on their own, scaring the fuck out of me in the process due to the jolting nature of night leg kicks and restless leg! I am yet to go and collect today's dose of Suboxone and the pharmacy opens in 10 minutes but I am feeling so lethargic but I will go, of course I will, it could be my last day on Suboxone, ever. That very thought overwhelms me. I will then make the relevant calls, say 'its time' and book a flight to Perth and say goodbye to Suboxone, for good!

The realization of the implications of jumping from 11 mg's to 0mg's of bupe, then straight onto Naltrexone Implant, for a speedier withdrawal is dawning on me. Man it's gone fucken hurt and I am comprehending it, remembering the days of yore when I felt withdrawal pains every day. I haven't felt hard withdrawal since I went on Suboxone and I am slowly remembering the nights of agony and insomnia and wishing to die. This time, no way will I let fear and it's poisonous tentacles into my heart or thought processes regarding addiction anymore. If I don't go this weekend for the Naltrexone Implant, it will surely be the next...if I let it get too long I may fuck up and my addiction demon will change my mind.

My support network is gaining momentum and financial help offers come in. I have had faith that the money would come from somewhere, and it is. My mum looked shocked when I told her last night the procedure was all but paid for. She had said no way to paying for my implant as she doesn't believe I will be drug free. I said at least donate something to the center giving me the Implant that will save my life, and hopefully the life of my younger and very alcoholic brother when I urge him to seek treatment. She blindly and predictably said 'Why Should I, it's MY MONEY'.

That statement always makes me sad, money is so damn evil it is immoral. I don't care to hold onto money as my Creator has ALWAYS provided for me. I'm not religious but I have faith. I share my belongings with everyone, I always give them away, not selling, simply giving. I get a lot in return for selflessness, it works...

Well I'm gonna shower and visit the pharmacy for Suboxone. I just swallowed a Lexapro tab, sipped my last sip of tea, and sat up straight! My back is lightly aching, I have the yawns, yet my brain feels ALIVE, and my current temperament is happy!

Love and Light

Pisceus








THIS SATURDAY, God Providing!

I just received the second phone call from Dr. George O'Neil. I may be getting the implant in place THIS Saturday or next, all pending a plane flight to Perth, keeping an open date for a flight home!!!

He said that if I showed up to Perth on Saturday with NO money, he would still put in place a 'triple' Naltrexone Implant, and offer me accommodation in the residential short term facility for the 3-5 days required afterwards, to recover before my flight back to Melbourne because he has promised to do so. This promise is made to ALL junkies who approach Dr O'Neil for treatment. I would be billed $6000 but what I CAN pay is what I pay. He understands that most junkies are desperate and have no money or have family who won't cover the cost due to being burned by said junkie. People this man is funding this himself, is taking out massive loans of $700,000 on personal property. Some funding comes from State Govt level but as the Naltrexone Implant is not TGA approved, it is still 'experimental' and available via the Special Access Scheme. I aim to donate to this cause for the rest of my life, helping others lessen their financial burden of an Implant.

I hope to arrive at the clinic, dope sick as required, with at least $3000 for the treatment as I will pay for this implant, even if it means paying it off afterwards. I WILL pay for my own treatment eventually and GOD is going to provide it for me, I am meant to go through this and the money to pay for it is meant to come from somewhere, and in my life, things always seem to work out financially.

It is a miracle. The fact is tomorrow may be my last dose of Suboxone ever, ever! The thought of that causes immediate physical withdrawal reactions and also a deep excitement that I will be feeling human again some day in the foreseeable future. Even though I am about to face my demon head on with a vengeance, the thought almost intoxicates me, yet frightens the fuck out of me, as it has all happened so fast. Am I prepared so soon considering I was originally going to wait 8 or so weeks yet? But knowing myself, I know I should just jump in and go for it, and I will because I am so sick of this bollocks called life with Suboxone. She has helped, now it is time to leave her as we 'don't get along' anymore, so to speak!

Until tomorrow,

Love and Light.

If you read this blog and are still addicted I urge you, when you have the means to, to travel to Perth and seek Dr O'Neil for treatment. No-one else is as dedicated personally to this cause and he WILL NOT refuse you a Naltrexone Implant and treatment. Pay what you can for this life saving service.


Monday, February 9, 2009

A Trip To Perth! It Is Happening...

This morning I sent an email to Dr. George O'Neil of the Fresh Start clinic in Perth, Australia. He is the inventor of the Naltrexone Implant and I have chosen Dr O'Neil to personally put the implant in place and do my detox in Perth, a kind of extended and painful vacation!

Anyway Dr O'Neil responded to my voicemail while I was on a call to guaruantee some financial backing for treatment. My friend called then ten minutes later Dr O'Neil, I heard the call waiting during the call but thought it was an sms. Things are really looking up for me and I believed financial help would arrive from somewhere, and I have two people offering to sponsor my treatment.

Dr O'Neil said he can treat me and I only have to be off of Suboxone for 2 days, and he simply asked of me that I try to pay half of the cost. He will treat someone for free if they present at the clinic. I estimate 3-5 thousand dollars for my treatment IF I choose to stay for awhile in the residential facility in Perth to recover before travelling home. A small price to pay on my life. I will pay these people back.

I would very much love to see Perth itself, Perth looks beautiful. It is on the opposite side of Australia and a 3-5 hour flight, depending on which way one is travelling east or west.

So I await his call in return to discuss how and WHEN! It could be much sooner than expected!

Love and Light


Saturday, February 7, 2009

Insomnia - First Sleepless Night in Months

Yesterday the temperature hit 47.4c in Melbourne and surrounding regions (117f), the hottest day ever recorded here. And DAMN was it hot, I mean take your breath away hot combined with Northerly hot biting and gusty winds, just awful! Bush fires galore throughout the state of Victoria, 25 confirmed dead. What a horrid day it was but at the same time a very good test of endurance against a changing sun! Within seconds yesterday the skin would feel prickly and burnt with heat when exposed to the Sun. Most electrical equipment had to be turned off as was my computer which got too hot to touch.

The heat was the reason for the insomnia I first put it down to but then again it has been over 40 degrees Celsius most days lately and I slept fine through these balmy nights. Did my dose drop trigger a release or was it a one nighter of insomnia for now? Which I hope it was the latter. I know I have a lot of insomnia to look forward to in the next few months and I'm not going to use any pills to put me to sleep, I am going to endure it.

I'm glad my detox will be in Autumn and hopefully by then we'll have seen the tail end of this years hottest Summer ever in Melbourne.

Disturbing Dreams and Withdrawal

Of late since making the decision to come off Suboxone and get determined I've been having bizarre and quite scary dreams and I'm sure it's related to the whole idea if going receiving the Naltrexone implant.

I am having dreams of developing horrific skin diseases such as smallpox and body wide acne. Added into this mix are the recurring dreams of ripping both my skin and flesh off, caused by some type of apocalyptic leprosy! I wake up glad to be alive and feel assured that one day soon, hopefully in the next few months, will be on the implant and opioid free besides Naltrexone, but that doesn't count due to it's entirely antagonistic properties.


I believe the dreams could metaphorically be me 'shedding my skin' or something akin to this. More disturbing dreams are on the way for sure as there always is without fail when I am in withdrawal from whatever substance and actually sleeping...I both anticipate and dread some dreams. Whilst I am sleeping 8-9 hours per night currently, I know soon with my continuing Bupe reduction that this luxurious amount of sleep will soon come to an end and I will have an extra 8 hours stapled onto my day whilst feeling shithouse at the same time!!!

I laugh now but at the time I will be both cursing God and pleading with Him for the agony of withdrawal to miraculously disappear...it never went away and I yelled and I screamed during my roller coaster opiate addiction days, different to my now dependence on Suboxone. Whilst I haven't felt heavy withdrawal for the entire period of time I've been on Suboxone, if I miss one day or are 4 hours late on taking my dose I feel very sick and lethargic and sometimes even vomit and have watery eyes and excessive nonstop yawns and upon placing that magic pill under the tongue, the nastiness eases and I can be my out of touch with reality self once more. Happy little me!

Without Suboxone I feel disgusting and pitiful, like some type of animal. I have this to look forward to on what will be a grander scale than I've ever felt before. Yet I desire to feel and conquer the withdrawal pains and win against this nightmare once and for all.

Love and Light



Friday, February 6, 2009

My Miracle Occurred!

I am so joyous right now!

After having spent a significant time on the net and a few phone calls later yesterday, I have a clinic in my city, a price, and a willingness for these people to insert a Naltrexone implant into my abdomen for a cool price of $880AU for a 6 month implant, whenever I am ready to do so and have been free of Buprenorphine for a 10 day period...now we all know that's the hard part! Once I have the implant I will bear the Junkie Scar on my stomach and I will wear it with pride as than Naltrexone Implant is a guarantee against re addiction for 6 months. I will get it replaced every 6 months until I know I am clean and functioning normally. Possibly going to NA meetings but the whole 12 step thing is a bit daunting...

My cousin, and now it seems, my savior has offered to pay for the whole treatment for me, which will be $1000AU as there is an initial consultation fee of $120AU. She and her partner are my best friends and it breaks them to watch me become more
'dope' the longer I keep taking Bupe, so they offered to pay for the treatment for me, for the first implant only and any more implants required after the initial implant will be my responsibility, likewise if I become re addicted to opiates it will by my responsibility and they will not help again if this happens. I appreciate them and thank my Creator for them being in my life. They are offering me my first step and a chance to be clean. I will not stuff this up, I am making myself absolutely despise Bupe, as helpful as it has been for so long, I just need freedom and clarity. My mother refuses to acknowledge I have drug addiction issues and that I have a brother who is alcoholic. If I attempt to discuss Suboxone or the like with my mum, she says 'yeah whatever' and/or changes the subject. I wonder if she really knows how heavily addicted my body is to opiates? She sure hates hearing about it and it breaks my heart that she doesn't even care.

Since last night I am on and off high with joy as I know I will one day very soon be off of Suboxone and the other poisonous mind numbing/dumbing drugs I will detox from at the same time, such as nicotine. In the almost 3 years I've been on Suboxone/Bupe I've been noticing a decline in my ability to express my words in a clear manner as I used to, I constantly freeze mid sentence completely clueless as to what I was just talking about and people notice this and ask me what I'm on...they think I'm on Xanax or some crap like I was in the past. No, it's just me how I am on Lexapro and Bupe. I feel I have much less intellect now than I did before and that makes me feel so damn sad...it's all still 'in there', but my brain co-ordination is out of whack and I want it all back.

Finally, today I dropped to 10mg from 12 mg so lets see how I feel in a few days when the dose drop actually affects me. There is an urgency guiding my heart in this matter, it almost feels divine.

Love and Light

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Naltrexone Option

Having just had another fine discussion with my helper in detox (the land owner), I feel much more hopeful and optimistic about this happening real soon. Also bought up was the possibility of receiving a Naltrexone Implant, or to source a doctor who will prescribe Revia to me, naltrexone in tablet form. In Australia, prices have ranged from $1000 to a whopping $12000. I definitely can't afford the latter and that is the most qouted price. Certain politicians are biased and will make the life of a junkie very hard. No Medicare funding for opioid dependence. I need a miracle.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A Country Detox

I know to a lot of people, Suboxone is a savior. It was a savior (and sort of still is) to me, although when the time comes to jump off this drug, at even the tiniest dose, we may as well have just cold turkeyed off of our retrospective opioids of choices. I was a codeine fiend mainly, downing anything up to 1200 mg's per day. 600mg's, twice daily. Someday I took more, although 1200 mg was my amount to feel sufficiently high and not dope sick. I did this for well over two years until I admitted defeat and sought treatment. I wish they had have just detoxed me then and there. Instead, I was imprisoned on the drug Suboxone. My doc says I may take it my whole life, no fucking way.

Now, onto the actual subject of a country detox I have been offered free rent on a 4 acre country property, living in a shack/caravan and maintaining and beautifying the land for as long as I need to take in my recovery from Suboxone then Lexapro. The tools and materials will be provided for me as necessary to construct shelters, gardens, grow vegetables and trees, and maintain the spectacular roses. For a few years now I've yearned for a country getaway and this is my chance, and I'm detoxing from my drug controlled life once and for all. Reclaiming myself.

These are the conditions I have imposed on myself in order to make this work.
  • I shall have my computer for music and internet. (hopefully my wireless works out there!)
  • I shall have a mobile phone for communication.
  • I shall not have a TV as I don't watch it anyway.
  • I have an agreement with the land owner (a good mate) to make sure I don't fail. He will make sure there is no way for me to get back home.
  • Visits will be on a weekend basis to bring deliveries, supplies etc.
  • I will exercise daily as much as possible to fatigue and exhaust myself so I can sleep.
  • I will document everything on paper and on the net. I can get others to post on my blog on my behalf if required.
  • I may have to 'call it off' with my partner as I cannot have any aggravations during the process. His help is in reality, a hindrance. He doesn't support this whole idea either.
  • Crossword puzzles and cryptic crosswords are a must to stimulate my brain. Cryptic crosswords are the only tool that allows us to use both sides of the brain at once!
  • I have bought a skipping rope, a basketball and pump and backboard, running shoes, training clothing, pedometer, dumbbells, Ab stretcher and abdominizer! I plan to get very fit and strong during the process instead of laying there crying and screaming.
I am mentally preparing for this whole ordeal and any support form anyone worldwide, would be so much appreciated. I am focusing on spirituality and healing my soul from the damage done.

Love and Light to all you lovely people.




An Introduction

So here is my first post, finally. For a long time I've been debating starting and maintaining a blog or two, but having since made the decision to detox cold turkey from Suboxone in the near future, I feel in my heart it is my duty to share the tribulations and the ultimate freedom from Suboxone, once and for all. I've been on Suboxone coming on 3 years and I am just sick of it.

This drug, combined with Lexapro has made me an emotionless person and I cannot function in a relationship, as anyone who is not in my situation, does not understand me inside. Deep in my heart I know I am concerned about so many things, yet the drugs give me a type of apathy towards life and it's occurrences. I want to be me again, to feel alive, human.

Antidepressants have controlled me for a decade now and I am really feeling the long term effects hitting me. These include but are not limited to an almost permanent Parkinson like tremor, sometimes in my speech but mostly in my co-ordination. Sometimes worse, sometimes hardly noticeable but always there. I could easily develop anorexia as a result of Suboxone/Buprenorphine. At 12mg per day I never feel hungry and I only eat to feel 'normal'...whatever that is anymore I don't know but I plan to find out soon!

I want to reach out to those on
Sub and share my experience and encourage others to share their Suboxone stories. When I jump off of Bupe, I will document it all and share everything with you, the reader. This is the aim of my blog and when the time comes to move to the country, I'll take my beloved cats, my computer and wireless internet, plenty of pens, pencils and notebooks, and not much else. This is going to be living off the land, so to speak. No luxuries where I am going.

Perfectly though there are lots of gardens and vegetables I'll have to grow, and a 4 acre block to maintain to keep me occupied whilst I'm detoxing once I'm capable again of walking. 400 rose bushes needing pruning too! I need to be alone to go through this detox as I will be intolerable to anyone near me during withdrawal, all attempts at help make a withdrawing person mad with rage. Especially me.

This is my time to reconnect with humanity, reclaim my life and shout, FUCK YOU SUBOXONE!

Love life!