Shattered.

Shattered.

It seems all my elaborate planning for a February 21st implanting has been put on hold. For ethical reasons, a certain physician cannot treat me until I am sufficiently withdrawn from Suboxone for 14 days prior, as per the Australian standard. Bollox I say...

So what does this mean for me?

I have to consider my other options, and the only real medically approved way of coming off Suboxone is to taper slowly and detoxify in eleven or so months, minimum. Damn, shit and fuck.

All that insomnia I went thru while trying to speed up my withdrawal was basically for nothing.

NOTHING!!!

My prescribing doctor won't allow me to taper any faster than one mg per month as he believes I'll relapse into drug abuse if I taper too quickly or withdraw. So all in all this pharmacotherapeutic prison sentence called buprenorphine maintenance has just been extended considerably, and thus I weep.

In some ways I am relieved I won't have to go thru the agony of Naltrexone precipitated withdrawal. But in many more ways I am furious. This was my huge plan, something that was to empower me, the hardest thing I will have ever had to endured.

My inner addict is celebrating this blow to my plan as it now thinks it has won.

I say to it: See you for the next battle soon.

This is not over, not by a long shot. Upon reflection I have decided to change this blogs direction and use it as my all personal blog, although still concentrating on life as a Suboxone addict. I expect to have this blog still well and truly going when I finally am detoxified from Suboxone and can get a Naltrexone Implant.

Oh the Humanity...

I'm starting to look very frazzled and sleep deprived...my once iridescent beauty is wilting like the bad witch from Oz in a shower. Not just that, this 27 year old has a big red zit on his cheek and feels like crying, oh my life is ruined for these last 5 days I take Suboxone...I am so sick of this battle. My bathroom cabinet stocked to the brim with Avon anti acne skincare range. It usually works great as I have been zit free since using it...until now!

No amount of foundation is gonna cover this fucker and I gotta go and get my breakfast, which is...Suboxone, McDonald's Sausage muffin (no icky egg) and a nice strong English Breakfast Tea from Gloria Jeans! I probably won't eat for the rest of the day except for when I'm squirmish and irritated in the arvo...god I wish I had Xanax to counter that!

I only have to take Suboxone for 5 more days, and fuck I'm gonna miss it. Yikes my heart is growing heavy, piss off I wanna feel good on my lonely valentines day, gotta fuck myself today as my valentine bailed on me by sms late last night. Good, I thought!

My pimple (although somewhat photo shop exaggerated!) and grim face in response to it...(yes this is actually me, 6 months ago)



The pain of it all!

Next Saturday I shall feel like this:




Man this gut ache is making me uneasy...ouch. Gotta get off my skinny white ass and get my brekky to alleviate it! Hmmm 10:19am...too late for Macca's muffin. Also my damn cars broken so I have to walk, oh the horror of it all.

Sitting here typing this random crap in my morning pre Suboxone, acne horror delirium dancing and listening to contralto goddess Amy Winehouse belt out a husky tune about going 'back to black', I have began what I call the 'insanity smiles'! These are strange urges to smile when I'm detoxing, anyone else ever get this during early withdrawal, before it gets bad? Bizarre!

...we only said goodbye with words...I died a hundred times...you go back to her and I go back to black...sings Amy, shown below. I just love her and would go straight for Amy!



Provided she stays off the crack and away from the bleach like below:



Oh fuck this I feel lousy, I gotta go get my stuff...I'll continue this later...

1.5 hours later and I'm back. Fulfilled in 3 ways, Opioids, Macca's and Caffeine oh and don't forget nicotine (in the form of gum as I quit cigarettes and smoking choof)...now all I need is some cock and I'm sweet! And oh my God am I furious at my doctor for calling my pharmacist and asking them to convince me this morning not to get the implant, as he claims it doesn't work.

However the 3 people I've met who are long term cured of Heroin addiction say otherwise. Fuck him, I'm the poor cunt who's opioid dependent, I'm the one who has to go thru this. My doctor can sleep assuredly each night that his natural endorphin production will continue and he gets to wake up feeling normal every morning. How long do I have to line his pockets with my addiction? He probably laughs about it each night as I toss (oh!) and turn each night!

I would feel like such a dumb cunt and a traitor to the cause if I didn't go and get this implant now. I have told EVERYONE and I ain't backing down so people can call me a 'typical junkie'.

Oh and about my liberal use of the word junkie: I call myself a junkie even though I have never touched Heroin or a syringe. I refer to anyone who is opioid dependent as a junkie, including myself. This way, I am so sensitized to the word junkie that if anyone calls me it I have no problems while some detest the name. I know I never stole to support my habit, I had a high paying job for that. Couldn't give a fuck what some bro or ho thinks anyway.

I feel like a session smoking bongs with ex president Bush Jr? Why you may ask?

Because George Bush does and he's my hero (please note I am using dark sarcasm when I say that he is my hero!)



Also around the net is a rumor that a certain new president uses cocaine and is homosexual, see this. Hell if Mr. Obama offered me cocaine and a blow job I wouldn't say no! He's hot for his age!

After all this rambling I should mention that I am using pics in an attempt to add a little more character into this blog, something to look at in between my drug addicted ramblings, if you will.

I feel so strange today, an inaugural moment in my life where I feel compelled to better myself in as many ways as I can. Last night I dreamed that I was clean from Suboxone and living and feeling completely normally. I felt so radiant and full of life compared to what I feel now on medications. Is my consciousness expanding? I hope so, especially before 2012.

Perhaps I am healing already from my dose drops. I only took 8mg yesterday. 11mg today at the pharmacy in front of the pharmacist as required to prove I take the pills. If a non opioid addict used Suboxone at 11mg, they would be sick for 2-3 days. Insomnia, throwing up, wanting to kill themselves it was so bad...and that was my brother on 1mg and several other people even on half a mg they get so sick. Not for the faint hearted!





I shall leave you with that thought and bid you all a great Valentines day :)

Pisceus Le Mat (Pisces the Fool.)

An Encounter With My Demons

Fuck! Last night as I lay in bed with the usual insomnia, at about 1-2am my rational mind, intuitive mind and my demons began arguing relentlessly as we have been in the past few weeks (man we used to get along just fine before I made the decision to detoxify!). It was like some swift attack from Hell, my opiate demon (whom by the way I call Morphius!), made my mind specifically concentrate on the morning of the Naltrexone Implanting, and particularly the uncomfortable Virgin Blue 6am flight to Perth which is well across the other side of Australia. This'll also be my longest flight ever at 4 hours...I don't travel far when I do due to the restrictions that the Suboxone program places on me traveling too far away.

Arrive at the airport at 4:30am for my flight and this time I shall be dope sick and showing it, I can just see it and what I'll look like. A junkie in withdrawal is not a pretty sight with watery eyes, runny noses, sniffing, sickly yawning, power sneezing, the outward appearance of the detoxee looking like we're suffering from some apocalyptic strain of influenza, but we also look much more like death...well I do anyway! Whilst thinking about this and imagining the painfully long flight a gripping fear crept up on me and just launched at me and I actually for the first time since making this decision and being confirmed for the implant, I felt shit scared. Fuck it took about 15 minutes to calm my thoughts down enough, to convince myself to deal with the detox at the time, minute by minute, even to cope second by second, as it goes in withdrawal. This withdrawal sharpened and hastened by the cleansing actions of Naltrexone.

Also amongst some of the attack thoughts were:

Attempting to make me so terrified of the upcoming detox as to avoid this whole idea...a usual scare tactic.

That I was getting some kind of 'Mark of the Beast' and would be condemned to a fiery Hell...
(remnants from a horrid past with Christianity I reckon!)

There could be some type of hidden implant inside the Naltrexone Implant that can control my thoughts, motivations and actions...that's a new one!

I would get a horrid pus filled infection or some necrosis which will leave a big hole in my abdomen...

I will be left to suffer the most agonizing withdrawal without any Catapres or other symptomatic medication, for the first few days especially...

I'm going to remain depressed afterwards for years and will never feel better...

The list goes on I tell ya now I could list so many more fear based thoughts, courtesy of my addict demon!

As I repeatedly affirm that I am strong enough to get through this, and I know I am, it's that damn demon voice interrupting, ensuring to point out every little pain and every other sensation in my body and urge me to take pills to remedy it, particularly with Suboxone. See I crave it, just fucking love it, that bitter lemon/lime cocktail flavor I savor every morning, as I feel comfortable knowing it'll make me feel great for the day. Poisonous thoughts Ala Morphius! I'm glad I'm laughing now, because I fucken sure won't be a laughing after a weeks time!

Off that subject for a mo, it seems I can't reply to comments today as the little comment window has decided not to load. Here I want to take the time to thank those who take the time to contact me. I thank them readers so much for your awesome and also some very inspirational messages, and for sharing your similar experiences, it means so much that people are genuinely interested in seeing how I go with this whole detoxing ordeal and it's great to read your posts in return. You rock!

Here is some basic info regarding my medications and soon to receive medication:

Lexapro: 20mg white oval tab. Escitalopram is the S isomer (active part) of the parent drug Citalopram (Cipramil/Celexa) and is an SSRI anti depressant. Effective in removing anxiety long term, except for when in drug withdrawal!

Suboxone: Hexagonal white tablets in Australia. Orange elsewhere in the world. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid receptor agonist/antagonist, basically meaning that it has little high and no particular pain relief for the junkie, but works great for opioid naive people. Bupe easily removes other opioids from their receptors and move in and occupy them for up to 72 hours. Much less than that in me as I always feel lousy in the morns until I take Suboxone. Subutex is the brand name for Bupe on its own. Suboxone however has the added drug Naloxone, a full opioid antagonist which, when injected, will put the user into immediate withdrawal. Suboxone should NOT be taken if you are an addict and currently affected by another opiate, it will immediately displace them and the subsequent withdrawal lasts for 24 or so hours. Wait a couple of days first.

Naltrexone: Implant, tabs (called ReVia 50mg) or injection. Naltrexone is similar to Naloxone being that is an opioid antagonist and will rip any other opioids out of the system, causing an immediate and swifter withdrawal and after use there is a major reduction of opioid tolerance due to it's 'cleaning effect'. Resulting in the 'new user' effect. Naltrexone occupies the receptors very well and no other opiate/opioid can displace it except for certain fentanyl analogues.

To finalize, I'm doing quite good today, I feel happy and my mood is fine. I've only taken 4mg of Suboxone so far today as I begin to precipitate harder withdrawal to ease the shock of next Saturdays Naltrexone accelerated withdrawal once the implant is in, apparently it works quite fast within an hour.

The nights, however, pose a constant annoyance. It's when the negative and drug thoughts begin to attack, when I'm most vulnerable is during the night when affected by insomnia. I suspect I'll be doing a lot of night posting during my detox as I lay awake much more severely than I am currently. Some bizarre thoughts in my mind ready to escape! Thank you and...

Take great care,

Pisceus

Even More Support

So my mother has finally jumped on my addiction bandwagon last night, which is my treatment with the Naltrexone Implant next week by Dr. O'Neil. It's my birthday in less than a month, and last night whilst essentially forcing my mother to listen to the realities of my opiate addiction, she surprisingly offered to pay for my flights from Melbourne to Perth and return, as a birthday present! Thanks mum, you've just helped in saving my life. It means the world to me. Thanks too to the lovely guys who posted comments, you rock and I truly appreciate the comments.

So I am set, it is definite, and I shall be non opiate dependent so very soon. I now have the finances in my hand, and all the means to achieve this plan. I really don't look forward to the withdrawal though, but I need to feel it to appreciate the challenge and feel like I accomplished something many don't or won't ever do.
After the withdrawal, post-withdrawal, depression and apathy subside, I shall be very close to a 'normal' functioning human again. Although I have to learn new skills to cope without Suboxone, which is still very much central to my life. That's where I am going to see Australia's best addiction doctor, recommended by Dr. O'Neil in Perth, and that is Dr. Steve Curry in Melbourne.

Last night I got a little more sleep than the past few nights but it was still difficult to fall asleep due to not being able to stop moving my legs during the night, and the annoying sense of dis-ease that withdrawal symptoms present to the agonizing non-endomorphism affected brain as it attempts to repair itself of the damage done. I wish I could get Ibogaine treatment, it sounds awesome and seems to really work in interrupting opiate and other drug addictions in combination with being a strong psychedelic. However Ibogaine is illegal in Australia (what isnt?) and I'd have to travel to some other country to do it.

For some reason I am feeling in a particularly bright today, that is something hopeful! I must hang on to every thread of hope in this next week and beyond. Support and encouragement are vital and my support network is growing daily as my friends and family hear about my detox plans. So far I've had no negative comments from anyone except from my mother, but even now she is changing as she comprehends the seriousness of this situation. Her two eldest sons are substance abusers, the reality is hitting her I can see it. We grew up in a very violent household thanks to a child bashing step father. I will tell that story one day very soon.

That's all for now as I listen and head bang to Slayer...ouch better not, I have a rather tender headache!

ANGEL OF DEATH!!!!

Life After Suboxone? A Nearing Reality...So Many Questions

The continuous headache I've had over the past 4 days since dropping to 11mg's of Suboxone (Bupe) is now acting as a constant reminder of what will soon be a very real reality...I will be free of physical opiate dependence. So damn soon I can taste it. Metaphorically, getting this Naltrexone Implant is like eating a chili; I get the implant, it hurts for awhile (intense heat), and after feeling lousy (prolonged burning), the endorphins get produced, and I end up feeling on top of the world! I cannot fail at this. The reality is dawning on me, an oppressive weight of realization attempting to spark fear, my demons whispering to me, urging me to "fuck the idea Naltrexone and being clean, it's so much easier remain on Bupe"...this is a thought that passes seemingly every 5 seconds in me, and it's not mine.

My true inner voice, the intuitive voice, is urging me to go clean NOW and not to prolong the pain by waiting, just "DO IT" is repeated as often as the former. And for the latter, I'm damn thankful as I follow it's advice and my life suddenly begins to have hope again. Still being on Lexapro may help with the depression, as I plan to remain on it for at least another 6 to 9 months, maybe longer.

My biggest question is, WHO will I be after Suboxone? My life revolves around this drug, completely. It is central to my thought processes, my decision making, my personality, how much I socialize, my mood and the list goes on. Some super ultra intensive therapy may need to be in order for me I reckon! I want my ability to lust returned, which by the way I had a glimpse of today when I saw a fine specimen at my local shopping plaza today, HOT! My body immediately reacted, my breath shortened, my heart sped up, my eyes flashed and I felt...well damn horny and folks this is not usual for me, as Lexapro and Suboxone are combination libido inhibitors in my case! This something for me to look forward to, and a definite determination booster!

Don't get me wrong, I still work 'down there', unfortunately on the medication it can take quite awhile, the long time I have learnt to thoroughly enjoy! I welcome these changes with open arms, alongside the other abilities such as expressional love, and to closely bond with other humans fully, will be returned. I wonder if I'll spontaneously orgasm again? :o It used to happen to me in the past when withdrawing as I'd strangely become super sensitive and ultra horny. As to whether it will happen again or not, we'll see, and I'll be sure to update you on that! :P

Years ago I used to be shy and somehow I don't remember when I stopped that coy behavior. Was it after Lexapro or some other antidepressant I took? Did I just grow out of it or will it return when I come off Suboxone? IS it Suboxone or other opioids and opiates in general? Maybe I'm one of those people who can never feel normal after opiate addiction? Questions. Questions...

Life after Suboxone. I should write a book about my withdrawal and how I got through it after this whole detox and Implant is done. What do you reckon? Like anyone even reads this yet...If you do, please send me some love, a comment will do!

Love and Light

Insomnia and Withdrawal

The past two nights I really am getting a tiny glimpse into what is soon to be a dark and very lonely 8 hours attached to my day. Last night yet again I lay restless and awake, the urge to continually move my limbs too strong to resist. Well they move themselves actually! See, my legs have developed life on their own, scaring the fuck out of me in the process due to the jolting nature of night leg kicks and restless leg! I am yet to go and collect today's dose of Suboxone and the pharmacy opens in 10 minutes but I am feeling so lethargic but I will go, of course I will, it could be my last day on Suboxone, ever. That very thought overwhelms me. I will then make the relevant calls, say 'its time' and book a flight to Perth and say goodbye to Suboxone, for good!

The realization of the implications of jumping from 11 mg's to 0mg's of bupe, then straight onto Naltrexone Implant, for a speedier withdrawal is dawning on me. Man it's gone fucken hurt and I am comprehending it, remembering the days of yore when I felt withdrawal pains every day. I haven't felt hard withdrawal since I went on Suboxone and I am slowly remembering the nights of agony and insomnia and wishing to die. This time, no way will I let fear and it's poisonous tentacles into my heart or thought processes regarding addiction anymore. If I don't go this weekend for the Naltrexone Implant, it will surely be the next...if I let it get too long I may fuck up and my addiction demon will change my mind.

My support network is gaining momentum and financial help offers come in. I have had faith that the money would come from somewhere, and it is. My mum looked shocked when I told her last night the procedure was all but paid for. She had said no way to paying for my implant as she doesn't believe I will be drug free. I said at least donate something to the center giving me the Implant that will save my life, and hopefully the life of my younger and very alcoholic brother when I urge him to seek treatment. She blindly and predictably said 'Why Should I, it's MY MONEY'.

That statement always makes me sad, money is so damn evil it is immoral. I don't care to hold onto money as my Creator has ALWAYS provided for me. I'm not religious but I have faith. I share my belongings with everyone, I always give them away, not selling, simply giving. I get a lot in return for selflessness, it works...

Well I'm gonna shower and visit the pharmacy for Suboxone. I just swallowed a Lexapro tab, sipped my last sip of tea, and sat up straight! My back is lightly aching, I have the yawns, yet my brain feels ALIVE, and my current temperament is happy!

Love and Light

Pisceus

THIS SATURDAY, God Providing!

I just received the second phone call from Dr. George O'Neil. I may be getting the implant in place THIS Saturday or next, all pending a plane flight to Perth, keeping an open date for a flight home!!!

He said that if I showed up to Perth on Saturday with NO money, he would still put in place a 'triple' Naltrexone Implant, and offer me accommodation in the residential short term facility for the 3-5 days required afterwards, to recover before my flight back to Melbourne because he has promised to do so. This promise is made to ALL junkies who approach Dr O'Neil for treatment. I would be billed $6000 but what I CAN pay is what I pay. He understands that most junkies are desperate and have no money or have family who won't cover the cost due to being burned by said junkie. People this man is funding this himself, is taking out massive loans of $700,000 on personal property. Some funding comes from State Govt level but as the Naltrexone Implant is not TGA approved, it is still 'experimental' and available via the Special Access Scheme. I aim to donate to this cause for the rest of my life, helping others lessen their financial burden of an Implant.

I hope to arrive at the clinic, dope sick as required, with at least $3000 for the treatment as I will pay for this implant, even if it means paying it off afterwards. I WILL pay for my own treatment eventually and GOD is going to provide it for me, I am meant to go through this and the money to pay for it is meant to come from somewhere, and in my life, things always seem to work out financially.

It is a miracle. The fact is tomorrow may be my last dose of Suboxone ever, ever! The thought of that causes immediate physical withdrawal reactions and also a deep excitement that I will be feeling human again some day in the foreseeable future. Even though I am about to face my demon head on with a vengeance, the thought almost intoxicates me, yet frightens the fuck out of me, as it has all happened so fast. Am I prepared so soon considering I was originally going to wait 8 or so weeks yet? But knowing myself, I know I should just jump in and go for it, and I will because I am so sick of this bollocks called life with Suboxone. She has helped, now it is time to leave her as we 'don't get along' anymore, so to speak!

Until tomorrow,

Love and Light.

If you read this blog and are still addicted I urge you, when you have the means to, to travel to Perth and seek Dr O'Neil for treatment. No-one else is as dedicated personally to this cause and he WILL NOT refuse you a Naltrexone Implant and treatment. Pay what you can for this life saving service.

A Trip To Perth! It Is Happening...

This morning I sent an email to Dr. George O'Neil of the Fresh Start clinic in Perth, Australia. He is the inventor of the Naltrexone Implant and I have chosen Dr O'Neil to personally put the implant in place and do my detox in Perth, a kind of extended and painful vacation!

Anyway Dr O'Neil responded to my voicemail while I was on a call to guaruantee some financial backing for treatment. My friend called then ten minutes later Dr O'Neil, I heard the call waiting during the call but thought it was an sms. Things are really looking up for me and I believed financial help would arrive from somewhere, and I have two people offering to sponsor my treatment.

Dr O'Neil said he can treat me and I only have to be off of Suboxone for 2 days, and he simply asked of me that I try to pay half of the cost. He will treat someone for free if they present at the clinic. I estimate 3-5 thousand dollars for my treatment IF I choose to stay for awhile in the residential facility in Perth to recover before travelling home. A small price to pay on my life. I will pay these people back.

I would very much love to see Perth itself, Perth looks beautiful. It is on the opposite side of Australia and a 3-5 hour flight, depending on which way one is travelling east or west.

So I await his call in return to discuss how and WHEN! It could be much sooner than expected!

Love and Light