Fuck! Last night as I lay in bed with the usual insomnia, at about 1-2am my rational mind, intuitive mind and my demons began arguing relentlessly as we have been in the past few weeks (man we used to get along just fine before I made the decision to detoxify!). It was like some swift attack from Hell, my opiate demon (whom by the way I call Morphius!), made my mind specifically concentrate on the morning of the Naltrexone Implanting, and particularly the uncomfortable Virgin Blue 6am flight to Perth which is well across the other side of Australia. This'll also be my longest flight ever at 4 hours...I don't travel far when I do due to the restrictions that the Suboxone program places on me traveling too far away.
Arrive at the airport at 4:30am for my flight and this time I shall be dope sick and showing it, I can just see it and what I'll look like. A junkie in withdrawal is not a pretty sight with watery eyes, runny noses, sniffing, sickly yawning, power sneezing, the outward appearance of the detoxee looking like we're suffering from some apocalyptic strain of influenza, but we also look much more like death...well I do anyway! Whilst thinking about this and imagining the painfully long flight a gripping fear crept up on me and just launched at me and I actually for the first time since making this decision and being confirmed for the implant, I felt shit scared. Fuck it took about 15 minutes to calm my thoughts down enough, to convince myself to deal with the detox at the time, minute by minute, even to cope second by second, as it goes in withdrawal. This withdrawal sharpened and hastened by the cleansing actions of Naltrexone.
Also amongst some of the attack thoughts were:
Attempting to make me so terrified of the upcoming detox as to avoid this whole idea...a usual scare tactic.
That I was getting some kind of 'Mark of the Beast' and would be condemned to a fiery Hell...
(remnants from a horrid past with Christianity I reckon!)
There could be some type of hidden implant inside the Naltrexone Implant that can control my thoughts, motivations and actions...that's a new one!
I would get a horrid pus filled infection or some necrosis which will leave a big hole in my abdomen...
I will be left to suffer the most agonizing withdrawal without any Catapres or other symptomatic medication, for the first few days especially...
I'm going to remain depressed afterwards for years and will never feel better...
The list goes on I tell ya now I could list so many more fear based thoughts, courtesy of my addict demon!
As I repeatedly affirm that I am strong enough to get through this, and I know I am, it's that damn demon voice interrupting, ensuring to point out every little pain and every other sensation in my body and urge me to take pills to remedy it, particularly with Suboxone. See I crave it, just fucking love it, that bitter lemon/lime cocktail flavor I savor every morning, as I feel comfortable knowing it'll make me feel great for the day. Poisonous thoughts Ala Morphius! I'm glad I'm laughing now, because I fucken sure won't be a laughing after a weeks time!
Off that subject for a mo, it seems I can't reply to comments today as the little comment window has decided not to load. Here I want to take the time to thank those who take the time to contact me. I thank them readers so much for your awesome and also some very inspirational messages, and for sharing your similar experiences, it means so much that people are genuinely interested in seeing how I go with this whole detoxing ordeal and it's great to read your posts in return. You rock!
Here is some basic info regarding my medications and soon to receive medication:
Lexapro: 20mg white oval tab. Escitalopram is the S isomer (active part) of the parent drug Citalopram (Cipramil/Celexa) and is an SSRI anti depressant. Effective in removing anxiety long term, except for when in drug withdrawal!
Suboxone: Hexagonal white tablets in Australia. Orange elsewhere in the world. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid receptor agonist/antagonist, basically meaning that it has little high and no particular pain relief for the junkie, but works great for opioid naive people. Bupe easily removes other opioids from their receptors and move in and occupy them for up to 72 hours. Much less than that in me as I always feel lousy in the morns until I take Suboxone. Subutex is the brand name for Bupe on its own. Suboxone however has the added drug Naloxone, a full opioid antagonist which, when injected, will put the user into immediate withdrawal. Suboxone should NOT be taken if you are an addict and currently affected by another opiate, it will immediately displace them and the subsequent withdrawal lasts for 24 or so hours. Wait a couple of days first.
Naltrexone: Implant, tabs (called ReVia 50mg) or injection. Naltrexone is similar to Naloxone being that is an opioid antagonist and will rip any other opioids out of the system, causing an immediate and swifter withdrawal and after use there is a major reduction of opioid tolerance due to it's 'cleaning effect'. Resulting in the 'new user' effect. Naltrexone occupies the receptors very well and no other opiate/opioid can displace it except for certain fentanyl analogues.
To finalize, I'm doing quite good today, I feel happy and my mood is fine. I've only taken 4mg of Suboxone so far today as I begin to precipitate harder withdrawal to ease the shock of next Saturdays Naltrexone accelerated withdrawal once the implant is in, apparently it works quite fast within an hour.
The nights, however, pose a constant annoyance. It's when the negative and drug thoughts begin to attack, when I'm most vulnerable is during the night when affected by insomnia. I suspect I'll be doing a lot of night posting during my detox as I lay awake much more severely than I am currently. Some bizarre thoughts in my mind ready to escape! Thank you and...
Take great care,
Pisceus
Showing posts with label Naltrexone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Naltrexone. Show all posts
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Life After Suboxone? A Nearing Reality...So Many Questions
The continuous headache I've had over the past 4 days since dropping to 11mg's of Suboxone (Bupe) is now acting as a constant reminder of what will soon be a very real reality...I will be free of physical opiate dependence. So damn soon I can taste it. Metaphorically, getting this Naltrexone Implant is like eating a chili; I get the implant, it hurts for awhile (intense heat), and after feeling lousy (prolonged burning), the endorphins get produced, and I end up feeling on top of the world! I cannot fail at this. The reality is dawning on me, an oppressive weight of realization attempting to spark fear, my demons whispering to me, urging me to "fuck the idea Naltrexone and being clean, it's so much easier remain on Bupe"...this is a thought that passes seemingly every 5 seconds in me, and it's not mine.
My true inner voice, the intuitive voice, is urging me to go clean NOW and not to prolong the pain by waiting, just "DO IT" is repeated as often as the former. And for the latter, I'm damn thankful as I follow it's advice and my life suddenly begins to have hope again. Still being on Lexapro may help with the depression, as I plan to remain on it for at least another 6 to 9 months, maybe longer.
My biggest question is, WHO will I be after Suboxone? My life revolves around this drug, completely. It is central to my thought processes, my decision making, my personality, how much I socialize, my mood and the list goes on. Some super ultra intensive therapy may need to be in order for me I reckon! I want my ability to lust returned, which by the way I had a glimpse of today when I saw a fine specimen at my local shopping plaza today, HOT! My body immediately reacted, my breath shortened, my heart sped up, my eyes flashed and I felt...well damn horny and folks this is not usual for me, as Lexapro and Suboxone are combination libido inhibitors in my case! This something for me to look forward to, and a definite determination booster!
Don't get me wrong, I still work 'down there', unfortunately on the medication it can take quite awhile, the long time I have learnt to thoroughly enjoy! I welcome these changes with open arms, alongside the other abilities such as expressional love, and to closely bond with other humans fully, will be returned. I wonder if I'll spontaneously orgasm again? :o It used to happen to me in the past when withdrawing as I'd strangely become super sensitive and ultra horny. As to whether it will happen again or not, we'll see, and I'll be sure to update you on that! :P
Years ago I used to be shy and somehow I don't remember when I stopped that coy behavior. Was it after Lexapro or some other antidepressant I took? Did I just grow out of it or will it return when I come off Suboxone? IS it Suboxone or other opioids and opiates in general? Maybe I'm one of those people who can never feel normal after opiate addiction? Questions. Questions...
Life after Suboxone. I should write a book about my withdrawal and how I got through it after this whole detox and Implant is done. What do you reckon? Like anyone even reads this yet...If you do, please send me some love, a comment will do!
Love and Light
My true inner voice, the intuitive voice, is urging me to go clean NOW and not to prolong the pain by waiting, just "DO IT" is repeated as often as the former. And for the latter, I'm damn thankful as I follow it's advice and my life suddenly begins to have hope again. Still being on Lexapro may help with the depression, as I plan to remain on it for at least another 6 to 9 months, maybe longer.
My biggest question is, WHO will I be after Suboxone? My life revolves around this drug, completely. It is central to my thought processes, my decision making, my personality, how much I socialize, my mood and the list goes on. Some super ultra intensive therapy may need to be in order for me I reckon! I want my ability to lust returned, which by the way I had a glimpse of today when I saw a fine specimen at my local shopping plaza today, HOT! My body immediately reacted, my breath shortened, my heart sped up, my eyes flashed and I felt...well damn horny and folks this is not usual for me, as Lexapro and Suboxone are combination libido inhibitors in my case! This something for me to look forward to, and a definite determination booster!
Don't get me wrong, I still work 'down there', unfortunately on the medication it can take quite awhile, the long time I have learnt to thoroughly enjoy! I welcome these changes with open arms, alongside the other abilities such as expressional love, and to closely bond with other humans fully, will be returned. I wonder if I'll spontaneously orgasm again? :o It used to happen to me in the past when withdrawing as I'd strangely become super sensitive and ultra horny. As to whether it will happen again or not, we'll see, and I'll be sure to update you on that! :P
Years ago I used to be shy and somehow I don't remember when I stopped that coy behavior. Was it after Lexapro or some other antidepressant I took? Did I just grow out of it or will it return when I come off Suboxone? IS it Suboxone or other opioids and opiates in general? Maybe I'm one of those people who can never feel normal after opiate addiction? Questions. Questions...
Life after Suboxone. I should write a book about my withdrawal and how I got through it after this whole detox and Implant is done. What do you reckon? Like anyone even reads this yet...If you do, please send me some love, a comment will do!
Love and Light
Insomnia and Withdrawal
The past two nights I really am getting a tiny glimpse into what is soon to be a dark and very lonely 8 hours attached to my day. Last night yet again I lay restless and awake, the urge to continually move my limbs too strong to resist. Well they move themselves actually! See, my legs have developed life on their own, scaring the fuck out of me in the process due to the jolting nature of night leg kicks and restless leg! I am yet to go and collect today's dose of Suboxone and the pharmacy opens in 10 minutes but I am feeling so lethargic but I will go, of course I will, it could be my last day on Suboxone, ever. That very thought overwhelms me. I will then make the relevant calls, say 'its time' and book a flight to Perth and say goodbye to Suboxone, for good!
The realization of the implications of jumping from 11 mg's to 0mg's of bupe, then straight onto Naltrexone Implant, for a speedier withdrawal is dawning on me. Man it's gone fucken hurt and I am comprehending it, remembering the days of yore when I felt withdrawal pains every day. I haven't felt hard withdrawal since I went on Suboxone and I am slowly remembering the nights of agony and insomnia and wishing to die. This time, no way will I let fear and it's poisonous tentacles into my heart or thought processes regarding addiction anymore. If I don't go this weekend for the Naltrexone Implant, it will surely be the next...if I let it get too long I may fuck up and my addiction demon will change my mind.
My support network is gaining momentum and financial help offers come in. I have had faith that the money would come from somewhere, and it is. My mum looked shocked when I told her last night the procedure was all but paid for. She had said no way to paying for my implant as she doesn't believe I will be drug free. I said at least donate something to the center giving me the Implant that will save my life, and hopefully the life of my younger and very alcoholic brother when I urge him to seek treatment. She blindly and predictably said 'Why Should I, it's MY MONEY'.
That statement always makes me sad, money is so damn evil it is immoral. I don't care to hold onto money as my Creator has ALWAYS provided for me. I'm not religious but I have faith. I share my belongings with everyone, I always give them away, not selling, simply giving. I get a lot in return for selflessness, it works...
Well I'm gonna shower and visit the pharmacy for Suboxone. I just swallowed a Lexapro tab, sipped my last sip of tea, and sat up straight! My back is lightly aching, I have the yawns, yet my brain feels ALIVE, and my current temperament is happy!
Love and Light
Pisceus
The realization of the implications of jumping from 11 mg's to 0mg's of bupe, then straight onto Naltrexone Implant, for a speedier withdrawal is dawning on me. Man it's gone fucken hurt and I am comprehending it, remembering the days of yore when I felt withdrawal pains every day. I haven't felt hard withdrawal since I went on Suboxone and I am slowly remembering the nights of agony and insomnia and wishing to die. This time, no way will I let fear and it's poisonous tentacles into my heart or thought processes regarding addiction anymore. If I don't go this weekend for the Naltrexone Implant, it will surely be the next...if I let it get too long I may fuck up and my addiction demon will change my mind.
My support network is gaining momentum and financial help offers come in. I have had faith that the money would come from somewhere, and it is. My mum looked shocked when I told her last night the procedure was all but paid for. She had said no way to paying for my implant as she doesn't believe I will be drug free. I said at least donate something to the center giving me the Implant that will save my life, and hopefully the life of my younger and very alcoholic brother when I urge him to seek treatment. She blindly and predictably said 'Why Should I, it's MY MONEY'.
That statement always makes me sad, money is so damn evil it is immoral. I don't care to hold onto money as my Creator has ALWAYS provided for me. I'm not religious but I have faith. I share my belongings with everyone, I always give them away, not selling, simply giving. I get a lot in return for selflessness, it works...
Well I'm gonna shower and visit the pharmacy for Suboxone. I just swallowed a Lexapro tab, sipped my last sip of tea, and sat up straight! My back is lightly aching, I have the yawns, yet my brain feels ALIVE, and my current temperament is happy!
Love and Light
Pisceus
THIS SATURDAY, God Providing!
I just received the second phone call from Dr. George O'Neil. I may be getting the implant in place THIS Saturday or next, all pending a plane flight to Perth, keeping an open date for a flight home!!!
He said that if I showed up to Perth on Saturday with NO money, he would still put in place a 'triple' Naltrexone Implant, and offer me accommodation in the residential short term facility for the 3-5 days required afterwards, to recover before my flight back to Melbourne because he has promised to do so. This promise is made to ALL junkies who approach Dr O'Neil for treatment. I would be billed $6000 but what I CAN pay is what I pay. He understands that most junkies are desperate and have no money or have family who won't cover the cost due to being burned by said junkie. People this man is funding this himself, is taking out massive loans of $700,000 on personal property. Some funding comes from State Govt level but as the Naltrexone Implant is not TGA approved, it is still 'experimental' and available via the Special Access Scheme. I aim to donate to this cause for the rest of my life, helping others lessen their financial burden of an Implant.
I hope to arrive at the clinic, dope sick as required, with at least $3000 for the treatment as I will pay for this implant, even if it means paying it off afterwards. I WILL pay for my own treatment eventually and GOD is going to provide it for me, I am meant to go through this and the money to pay for it is meant to come from somewhere, and in my life, things always seem to work out financially.
It is a miracle. The fact is tomorrow may be my last dose of Suboxone ever, ever! The thought of that causes immediate physical withdrawal reactions and also a deep excitement that I will be feeling human again some day in the foreseeable future. Even though I am about to face my demon head on with a vengeance, the thought almost intoxicates me, yet frightens the fuck out of me, as it has all happened so fast. Am I prepared so soon considering I was originally going to wait 8 or so weeks yet? But knowing myself, I know I should just jump in and go for it, and I will because I am so sick of this bollocks called life with Suboxone. She has helped, now it is time to leave her as we 'don't get along' anymore, so to speak!
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light.
If you read this blog and are still addicted I urge you, when you have the means to, to travel to Perth and seek Dr O'Neil for treatment. No-one else is as dedicated personally to this cause and he WILL NOT refuse you a Naltrexone Implant and treatment. Pay what you can for this life saving service.
He said that if I showed up to Perth on Saturday with NO money, he would still put in place a 'triple' Naltrexone Implant, and offer me accommodation in the residential short term facility for the 3-5 days required afterwards, to recover before my flight back to Melbourne because he has promised to do so. This promise is made to ALL junkies who approach Dr O'Neil for treatment. I would be billed $6000 but what I CAN pay is what I pay. He understands that most junkies are desperate and have no money or have family who won't cover the cost due to being burned by said junkie. People this man is funding this himself, is taking out massive loans of $700,000 on personal property. Some funding comes from State Govt level but as the Naltrexone Implant is not TGA approved, it is still 'experimental' and available via the Special Access Scheme. I aim to donate to this cause for the rest of my life, helping others lessen their financial burden of an Implant.
I hope to arrive at the clinic, dope sick as required, with at least $3000 for the treatment as I will pay for this implant, even if it means paying it off afterwards. I WILL pay for my own treatment eventually and GOD is going to provide it for me, I am meant to go through this and the money to pay for it is meant to come from somewhere, and in my life, things always seem to work out financially.
It is a miracle. The fact is tomorrow may be my last dose of Suboxone ever, ever! The thought of that causes immediate physical withdrawal reactions and also a deep excitement that I will be feeling human again some day in the foreseeable future. Even though I am about to face my demon head on with a vengeance, the thought almost intoxicates me, yet frightens the fuck out of me, as it has all happened so fast. Am I prepared so soon considering I was originally going to wait 8 or so weeks yet? But knowing myself, I know I should just jump in and go for it, and I will because I am so sick of this bollocks called life with Suboxone. She has helped, now it is time to leave her as we 'don't get along' anymore, so to speak!
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light.
If you read this blog and are still addicted I urge you, when you have the means to, to travel to Perth and seek Dr O'Neil for treatment. No-one else is as dedicated personally to this cause and he WILL NOT refuse you a Naltrexone Implant and treatment. Pay what you can for this life saving service.
Monday, February 9, 2009
A Trip To Perth! It Is Happening...
This morning I sent an email to Dr. George O'Neil of the Fresh Start clinic in Perth, Australia. He is the inventor of the Naltrexone Implant and I have chosen Dr O'Neil to personally put the implant in place and do my detox in Perth, a kind of extended and painful vacation!
Anyway Dr O'Neil responded to my voicemail while I was on a call to guaruantee some financial backing for treatment. My friend called then ten minutes later Dr O'Neil, I heard the call waiting during the call but thought it was an sms. Things are really looking up for me and I believed financial help would arrive from somewhere, and I have two people offering to sponsor my treatment.
Dr O'Neil said he can treat me and I only have to be off of Suboxone for 2 days, and he simply asked of me that I try to pay half of the cost. He will treat someone for free if they present at the clinic. I estimate 3-5 thousand dollars for my treatment IF I choose to stay for awhile in the residential facility in Perth to recover before travelling home. A small price to pay on my life. I will pay these people back.
I would very much love to see Perth itself, Perth looks beautiful. It is on the opposite side of Australia and a 3-5 hour flight, depending on which way one is travelling east or west.
So I await his call in return to discuss how and WHEN! It could be much sooner than expected!
Love and Light
Anyway Dr O'Neil responded to my voicemail while I was on a call to guaruantee some financial backing for treatment. My friend called then ten minutes later Dr O'Neil, I heard the call waiting during the call but thought it was an sms. Things are really looking up for me and I believed financial help would arrive from somewhere, and I have two people offering to sponsor my treatment.
Dr O'Neil said he can treat me and I only have to be off of Suboxone for 2 days, and he simply asked of me that I try to pay half of the cost. He will treat someone for free if they present at the clinic. I estimate 3-5 thousand dollars for my treatment IF I choose to stay for awhile in the residential facility in Perth to recover before travelling home. A small price to pay on my life. I will pay these people back.
I would very much love to see Perth itself, Perth looks beautiful. It is on the opposite side of Australia and a 3-5 hour flight, depending on which way one is travelling east or west.
So I await his call in return to discuss how and WHEN! It could be much sooner than expected!
Love and Light
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Disturbing Dreams and Withdrawal
Of late since making the decision to come off Suboxone and get determined I've been having bizarre and quite scary dreams and I'm sure it's related to the whole idea if going receiving the Naltrexone implant.
I am having dreams of developing horrific skin diseases such as smallpox and body wide acne. Added into this mix are the recurring dreams of ripping both my skin and flesh off, caused by some type of apocalyptic leprosy! I wake up glad to be alive and feel assured that one day soon, hopefully in the next few months, will be on the implant and opioid free besides Naltrexone, but that doesn't count due to it's entirely antagonistic properties.
I believe the dreams could metaphorically be me 'shedding my skin' or something akin to this. More disturbing dreams are on the way for sure as there always is without fail when I am in withdrawal from whatever substance and actually sleeping...I both anticipate and dread some dreams. Whilst I am sleeping 8-9 hours per night currently, I know soon with my continuing Bupe reduction that this luxurious amount of sleep will soon come to an end and I will have an extra 8 hours stapled onto my day whilst feeling shithouse at the same time!!!
I laugh now but at the time I will be both cursing God and pleading with Him for the agony of withdrawal to miraculously disappear...it never went away and I yelled and I screamed during my roller coaster opiate addiction days, different to my now dependence on Suboxone. Whilst I haven't felt heavy withdrawal for the entire period of time I've been on Suboxone, if I miss one day or are 4 hours late on taking my dose I feel very sick and lethargic and sometimes even vomit and have watery eyes and excessive nonstop yawns and upon placing that magic pill under the tongue, the nastiness eases and I can be my out of touch with reality self once more. Happy little me!
Without Suboxone I feel disgusting and pitiful, like some type of animal. I have this to look forward to on what will be a grander scale than I've ever felt before. Yet I desire to feel and conquer the withdrawal pains and win against this nightmare once and for all.
Love and Light
I am having dreams of developing horrific skin diseases such as smallpox and body wide acne. Added into this mix are the recurring dreams of ripping both my skin and flesh off, caused by some type of apocalyptic leprosy! I wake up glad to be alive and feel assured that one day soon, hopefully in the next few months, will be on the implant and opioid free besides Naltrexone, but that doesn't count due to it's entirely antagonistic properties.
I believe the dreams could metaphorically be me 'shedding my skin' or something akin to this. More disturbing dreams are on the way for sure as there always is without fail when I am in withdrawal from whatever substance and actually sleeping...I both anticipate and dread some dreams. Whilst I am sleeping 8-9 hours per night currently, I know soon with my continuing Bupe reduction that this luxurious amount of sleep will soon come to an end and I will have an extra 8 hours stapled onto my day whilst feeling shithouse at the same time!!!
I laugh now but at the time I will be both cursing God and pleading with Him for the agony of withdrawal to miraculously disappear...it never went away and I yelled and I screamed during my roller coaster opiate addiction days, different to my now dependence on Suboxone. Whilst I haven't felt heavy withdrawal for the entire period of time I've been on Suboxone, if I miss one day or are 4 hours late on taking my dose I feel very sick and lethargic and sometimes even vomit and have watery eyes and excessive nonstop yawns and upon placing that magic pill under the tongue, the nastiness eases and I can be my out of touch with reality self once more. Happy little me!
Without Suboxone I feel disgusting and pitiful, like some type of animal. I have this to look forward to on what will be a grander scale than I've ever felt before. Yet I desire to feel and conquer the withdrawal pains and win against this nightmare once and for all.
Love and Light
Friday, February 6, 2009
My Miracle Occurred!
I am so joyous right now!
After having spent a significant time on the net and a few phone calls later yesterday, I have a clinic in my city, a price, and a willingness for these people to insert a Naltrexone implant into my abdomen for a cool price of $880AU for a 6 month implant, whenever I am ready to do so and have been free of Buprenorphine for a 10 day period...now we all know that's the hard part! Once I have the implant I will bear the Junkie Scar on my stomach and I will wear it with pride as than Naltrexone Implant is a guarantee against re addiction for 6 months. I will get it replaced every 6 months until I know I am clean and functioning normally. Possibly going to NA meetings but the whole 12 step thing is a bit daunting...
My cousin, and now it seems, my savior has offered to pay for the whole treatment for me, which will be $1000AU as there is an initial consultation fee of $120AU. She and her partner are my best friends and it breaks them to watch me become more 'dope' the longer I keep taking Bupe, so they offered to pay for the treatment for me, for the first implant only and any more implants required after the initial implant will be my responsibility, likewise if I become re addicted to opiates it will by my responsibility and they will not help again if this happens. I appreciate them and thank my Creator for them being in my life. They are offering me my first step and a chance to be clean. I will not stuff this up, I am making myself absolutely despise Bupe, as helpful as it has been for so long, I just need freedom and clarity. My mother refuses to acknowledge I have drug addiction issues and that I have a brother who is alcoholic. If I attempt to discuss Suboxone or the like with my mum, she says 'yeah whatever' and/or changes the subject. I wonder if she really knows how heavily addicted my body is to opiates? She sure hates hearing about it and it breaks my heart that she doesn't even care.
Since last night I am on and off high with joy as I know I will one day very soon be off of Suboxone and the other poisonous mind numbing/dumbing drugs I will detox from at the same time, such as nicotine. In the almost 3 years I've been on Suboxone/Bupe I've been noticing a decline in my ability to express my words in a clear manner as I used to, I constantly freeze mid sentence completely clueless as to what I was just talking about and people notice this and ask me what I'm on...they think I'm on Xanax or some crap like I was in the past. No, it's just me how I am on Lexapro and Bupe. I feel I have much less intellect now than I did before and that makes me feel so damn sad...it's all still 'in there', but my brain co-ordination is out of whack and I want it all back.
Finally, today I dropped to 10mg from 12 mg so lets see how I feel in a few days when the dose drop actually affects me. There is an urgency guiding my heart in this matter, it almost feels divine.
Love and Light
After having spent a significant time on the net and a few phone calls later yesterday, I have a clinic in my city, a price, and a willingness for these people to insert a Naltrexone implant into my abdomen for a cool price of $880AU for a 6 month implant, whenever I am ready to do so and have been free of Buprenorphine for a 10 day period...now we all know that's the hard part! Once I have the implant I will bear the Junkie Scar on my stomach and I will wear it with pride as than Naltrexone Implant is a guarantee against re addiction for 6 months. I will get it replaced every 6 months until I know I am clean and functioning normally. Possibly going to NA meetings but the whole 12 step thing is a bit daunting...
My cousin, and now it seems, my savior has offered to pay for the whole treatment for me, which will be $1000AU as there is an initial consultation fee of $120AU. She and her partner are my best friends and it breaks them to watch me become more 'dope' the longer I keep taking Bupe, so they offered to pay for the treatment for me, for the first implant only and any more implants required after the initial implant will be my responsibility, likewise if I become re addicted to opiates it will by my responsibility and they will not help again if this happens. I appreciate them and thank my Creator for them being in my life. They are offering me my first step and a chance to be clean. I will not stuff this up, I am making myself absolutely despise Bupe, as helpful as it has been for so long, I just need freedom and clarity. My mother refuses to acknowledge I have drug addiction issues and that I have a brother who is alcoholic. If I attempt to discuss Suboxone or the like with my mum, she says 'yeah whatever' and/or changes the subject. I wonder if she really knows how heavily addicted my body is to opiates? She sure hates hearing about it and it breaks my heart that she doesn't even care.
Since last night I am on and off high with joy as I know I will one day very soon be off of Suboxone and the other poisonous mind numbing/dumbing drugs I will detox from at the same time, such as nicotine. In the almost 3 years I've been on Suboxone/Bupe I've been noticing a decline in my ability to express my words in a clear manner as I used to, I constantly freeze mid sentence completely clueless as to what I was just talking about and people notice this and ask me what I'm on...they think I'm on Xanax or some crap like I was in the past. No, it's just me how I am on Lexapro and Bupe. I feel I have much less intellect now than I did before and that makes me feel so damn sad...it's all still 'in there', but my brain co-ordination is out of whack and I want it all back.
Finally, today I dropped to 10mg from 12 mg so lets see how I feel in a few days when the dose drop actually affects me. There is an urgency guiding my heart in this matter, it almost feels divine.
Love and Light
Thursday, February 5, 2009
The Naltrexone Option
Having just had another fine discussion with my helper in detox (the land owner), I feel much more hopeful and optimistic about this happening real soon. Also bought up was the possibility of receiving a Naltrexone Implant, or to source a doctor who will prescribe Revia to me, naltrexone in tablet form. In Australia, prices have ranged from $1000 to a whopping $12000. I definitely can't afford the latter and that is the most qouted price. Certain politicians are biased and will make the life of a junkie very hard. No Medicare funding for opioid dependence. I need a miracle.
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