Sunday Smoky Sunday!

The reality of the bush fires in Victoria descended upon Melbourne with a hazy vengeance yest yesterday, remaining today and most likely for the rest of the week, making us look like Beijing on a good day! The smoke descending onto the city and surrounds from the outer city bushy areas, the smell of the burning wood a reminder that we are not safe entirely yet especially if the temperature hits 47.4c again like 'Black Saturday', (Sat 7th Feb, 09) The death toll is just awful. Minute silence.

A real time Google FIRE MAP of Melbourne and surrounds.



Enough of that, it really feels depressing here with all these fires still burning everywhere although none nowhere near my area thank God.

I also don't watch TV so I'm not confronted with these images every 5 seconds.

Let's hope we never experience an uncontained fire, ever.

So, anyway last night my main man ended up stayed over after an afternoon sms to me and helped me babysit my cousins 3 children. Fuck it was hard work looking after a 4 month old crying baby girl (but oh so cute!), a demanding 3 year old girl and an oft questioning 7 year old boy!

Thankfully it didn't go too bad at all except for a few crying and tantrum issues but kids seem to stop fairly quickly with me. I talk to them like adults and they stop misbehaving. It works for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here today...the asylum would've been needed!



I didn't get down to any action with the main man, we were both too tired although earlier I was secretly hoping for some. Amazingly I slept 6 hours last night and I attribute part of it to the exhausting task of sitting 3 children, and my main man staying in my bed the night.

I must examine this prospect more thoroughly, we really have some connection deeper than most although we argue fucken lots!

Being the drug addict I am, relationships disturb me as I don't like people knowing me so well but I want to live with this guy, I'll keep you informed! One proviso with him...

No more of this...



Or this...



Well I soon won't be doing both and it's my own choice, he is helping me achieve this goal and likes me!

Only 3 more days of Suboxone...tomorrow and the next two after it and that's it...game over. Reality will rear it's ugly head and sneer at me, grinning its toxic sentiments of 'you can't hide no more'. My inner alarm bells are going off more and more, as is the demon voice urging me to reconsider. Demanding I reconsider and remain on Suboxone for life. This voice turns vicious against me, so I know it's not my true inner voice as I am a really easygoing 'mind my own business' guy.

No I'm not schizophrenic or anything (that I know of!) and don't 'hear' voices as such like said people, rather they are simply 'thought' voices, compared to my true inner voice. That's the best I can explain it!

I also feel I am finally expanding my relationships with my main man, family and friends as I individually apologize to anyone who had to witness me overdosing pills, or were hurt by my drug use, or if I had ever lied to them about drug use.

It's helping me be more honest with myself and my loved ones and they in turn are warming to me more. Humble pie.

Well I'm off to get something for Lunch, not getting hungry often, I must stave off the anorexia causing aspect of Suboxone in me for a few more hours with a bite of food, lest I wither like an old prune (or the lady across the road!) Ouch! :P

For now, Au Revoir

The Fool!

An Encounter With My Demons

Fuck! Last night as I lay in bed with the usual insomnia, at about 1-2am my rational mind, intuitive mind and my demons began arguing relentlessly as we have been in the past few weeks (man we used to get along just fine before I made the decision to detoxify!). It was like some swift attack from Hell, my opiate demon (whom by the way I call Morphius!), made my mind specifically concentrate on the morning of the Naltrexone Implanting, and particularly the uncomfortable Virgin Blue 6am flight to Perth which is well across the other side of Australia. This'll also be my longest flight ever at 4 hours...I don't travel far when I do due to the restrictions that the Suboxone program places on me traveling too far away.

Arrive at the airport at 4:30am for my flight and this time I shall be dope sick and showing it, I can just see it and what I'll look like. A junkie in withdrawal is not a pretty sight with watery eyes, runny noses, sniffing, sickly yawning, power sneezing, the outward appearance of the detoxee looking like we're suffering from some apocalyptic strain of influenza, but we also look much more like death...well I do anyway! Whilst thinking about this and imagining the painfully long flight a gripping fear crept up on me and just launched at me and I actually for the first time since making this decision and being confirmed for the implant, I felt shit scared. Fuck it took about 15 minutes to calm my thoughts down enough, to convince myself to deal with the detox at the time, minute by minute, even to cope second by second, as it goes in withdrawal. This withdrawal sharpened and hastened by the cleansing actions of Naltrexone.

Also amongst some of the attack thoughts were:

Attempting to make me so terrified of the upcoming detox as to avoid this whole idea...a usual scare tactic.

That I was getting some kind of 'Mark of the Beast' and would be condemned to a fiery Hell...
(remnants from a horrid past with Christianity I reckon!)

There could be some type of hidden implant inside the Naltrexone Implant that can control my thoughts, motivations and actions...that's a new one!

I would get a horrid pus filled infection or some necrosis which will leave a big hole in my abdomen...

I will be left to suffer the most agonizing withdrawal without any Catapres or other symptomatic medication, for the first few days especially...

I'm going to remain depressed afterwards for years and will never feel better...

The list goes on I tell ya now I could list so many more fear based thoughts, courtesy of my addict demon!

As I repeatedly affirm that I am strong enough to get through this, and I know I am, it's that damn demon voice interrupting, ensuring to point out every little pain and every other sensation in my body and urge me to take pills to remedy it, particularly with Suboxone. See I crave it, just fucking love it, that bitter lemon/lime cocktail flavor I savor every morning, as I feel comfortable knowing it'll make me feel great for the day. Poisonous thoughts Ala Morphius! I'm glad I'm laughing now, because I fucken sure won't be a laughing after a weeks time!

Off that subject for a mo, it seems I can't reply to comments today as the little comment window has decided not to load. Here I want to take the time to thank those who take the time to contact me. I thank them readers so much for your awesome and also some very inspirational messages, and for sharing your similar experiences, it means so much that people are genuinely interested in seeing how I go with this whole detoxing ordeal and it's great to read your posts in return. You rock!

Here is some basic info regarding my medications and soon to receive medication:

Lexapro: 20mg white oval tab. Escitalopram is the S isomer (active part) of the parent drug Citalopram (Cipramil/Celexa) and is an SSRI anti depressant. Effective in removing anxiety long term, except for when in drug withdrawal!

Suboxone: Hexagonal white tablets in Australia. Orange elsewhere in the world. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid receptor agonist/antagonist, basically meaning that it has little high and no particular pain relief for the junkie, but works great for opioid naive people. Bupe easily removes other opioids from their receptors and move in and occupy them for up to 72 hours. Much less than that in me as I always feel lousy in the morns until I take Suboxone. Subutex is the brand name for Bupe on its own. Suboxone however has the added drug Naloxone, a full opioid antagonist which, when injected, will put the user into immediate withdrawal. Suboxone should NOT be taken if you are an addict and currently affected by another opiate, it will immediately displace them and the subsequent withdrawal lasts for 24 or so hours. Wait a couple of days first.

Naltrexone: Implant, tabs (called ReVia 50mg) or injection. Naltrexone is similar to Naloxone being that is an opioid antagonist and will rip any other opioids out of the system, causing an immediate and swifter withdrawal and after use there is a major reduction of opioid tolerance due to it's 'cleaning effect'. Resulting in the 'new user' effect. Naltrexone occupies the receptors very well and no other opiate/opioid can displace it except for certain fentanyl analogues.

To finalize, I'm doing quite good today, I feel happy and my mood is fine. I've only taken 4mg of Suboxone so far today as I begin to precipitate harder withdrawal to ease the shock of next Saturdays Naltrexone accelerated withdrawal once the implant is in, apparently it works quite fast within an hour.

The nights, however, pose a constant annoyance. It's when the negative and drug thoughts begin to attack, when I'm most vulnerable is during the night when affected by insomnia. I suspect I'll be doing a lot of night posting during my detox as I lay awake much more severely than I am currently. Some bizarre thoughts in my mind ready to escape! Thank you and...

Take great care,

Pisceus

Life After Suboxone? A Nearing Reality...So Many Questions

The continuous headache I've had over the past 4 days since dropping to 11mg's of Suboxone (Bupe) is now acting as a constant reminder of what will soon be a very real reality...I will be free of physical opiate dependence. So damn soon I can taste it. Metaphorically, getting this Naltrexone Implant is like eating a chili; I get the implant, it hurts for awhile (intense heat), and after feeling lousy (prolonged burning), the endorphins get produced, and I end up feeling on top of the world! I cannot fail at this. The reality is dawning on me, an oppressive weight of realization attempting to spark fear, my demons whispering to me, urging me to "fuck the idea Naltrexone and being clean, it's so much easier remain on Bupe"...this is a thought that passes seemingly every 5 seconds in me, and it's not mine.

My true inner voice, the intuitive voice, is urging me to go clean NOW and not to prolong the pain by waiting, just "DO IT" is repeated as often as the former. And for the latter, I'm damn thankful as I follow it's advice and my life suddenly begins to have hope again. Still being on Lexapro may help with the depression, as I plan to remain on it for at least another 6 to 9 months, maybe longer.

My biggest question is, WHO will I be after Suboxone? My life revolves around this drug, completely. It is central to my thought processes, my decision making, my personality, how much I socialize, my mood and the list goes on. Some super ultra intensive therapy may need to be in order for me I reckon! I want my ability to lust returned, which by the way I had a glimpse of today when I saw a fine specimen at my local shopping plaza today, HOT! My body immediately reacted, my breath shortened, my heart sped up, my eyes flashed and I felt...well damn horny and folks this is not usual for me, as Lexapro and Suboxone are combination libido inhibitors in my case! This something for me to look forward to, and a definite determination booster!

Don't get me wrong, I still work 'down there', unfortunately on the medication it can take quite awhile, the long time I have learnt to thoroughly enjoy! I welcome these changes with open arms, alongside the other abilities such as expressional love, and to closely bond with other humans fully, will be returned. I wonder if I'll spontaneously orgasm again? :o It used to happen to me in the past when withdrawing as I'd strangely become super sensitive and ultra horny. As to whether it will happen again or not, we'll see, and I'll be sure to update you on that! :P

Years ago I used to be shy and somehow I don't remember when I stopped that coy behavior. Was it after Lexapro or some other antidepressant I took? Did I just grow out of it or will it return when I come off Suboxone? IS it Suboxone or other opioids and opiates in general? Maybe I'm one of those people who can never feel normal after opiate addiction? Questions. Questions...

Life after Suboxone. I should write a book about my withdrawal and how I got through it after this whole detox and Implant is done. What do you reckon? Like anyone even reads this yet...If you do, please send me some love, a comment will do!

Love and Light

A Trip To Perth! It Is Happening...

This morning I sent an email to Dr. George O'Neil of the Fresh Start clinic in Perth, Australia. He is the inventor of the Naltrexone Implant and I have chosen Dr O'Neil to personally put the implant in place and do my detox in Perth, a kind of extended and painful vacation!

Anyway Dr O'Neil responded to my voicemail while I was on a call to guaruantee some financial backing for treatment. My friend called then ten minutes later Dr O'Neil, I heard the call waiting during the call but thought it was an sms. Things are really looking up for me and I believed financial help would arrive from somewhere, and I have two people offering to sponsor my treatment.

Dr O'Neil said he can treat me and I only have to be off of Suboxone for 2 days, and he simply asked of me that I try to pay half of the cost. He will treat someone for free if they present at the clinic. I estimate 3-5 thousand dollars for my treatment IF I choose to stay for awhile in the residential facility in Perth to recover before travelling home. A small price to pay on my life. I will pay these people back.

I would very much love to see Perth itself, Perth looks beautiful. It is on the opposite side of Australia and a 3-5 hour flight, depending on which way one is travelling east or west.

So I await his call in return to discuss how and WHEN! It could be much sooner than expected!

Love and Light

Disturbing Dreams and Withdrawal

Of late since making the decision to come off Suboxone and get determined I've been having bizarre and quite scary dreams and I'm sure it's related to the whole idea if going receiving the Naltrexone implant.

I am having dreams of developing horrific skin diseases such as smallpox and body wide acne. Added into this mix are the recurring dreams of ripping both my skin and flesh off, caused by some type of apocalyptic leprosy! I wake up glad to be alive and feel assured that one day soon, hopefully in the next few months, will be on the implant and opioid free besides Naltrexone, but that doesn't count due to it's entirely antagonistic properties.

I believe the dreams could metaphorically be me 'shedding my skin' or something akin to this. More disturbing dreams are on the way for sure as there always is without fail when I am in withdrawal from whatever substance and actually sleeping...I both anticipate and dread some dreams. Whilst I am sleeping 8-9 hours per night currently, I know soon with my continuing Bupe reduction that this luxurious amount of sleep will soon come to an end and I will have an extra 8 hours stapled onto my day whilst feeling shithouse at the same time!!!

I laugh now but at the time I will be both cursing God and pleading with Him for the agony of withdrawal to miraculously disappear...it never went away and I yelled and I screamed during my roller coaster opiate addiction days, different to my now dependence on Suboxone. Whilst I haven't felt heavy withdrawal for the entire period of time I've been on Suboxone, if I miss one day or are 4 hours late on taking my dose I feel very sick and lethargic and sometimes even vomit and have watery eyes and excessive nonstop yawns and upon placing that magic pill under the tongue, the nastiness eases and I can be my out of touch with reality self once more. Happy little me!

Without Suboxone I feel disgusting and pitiful, like some type of animal. I have this to look forward to on what will be a grander scale than I've ever felt before. Yet I desire to feel and conquer the withdrawal pains and win against this nightmare once and for all.

Love and Light

My Miracle Occurred!

I am so joyous right now!

After having spent a significant time on the net and a few phone calls later yesterday, I have a clinic in my city, a price, and a willingness for these people to insert a Naltrexone implant into my abdomen for a cool price of $880AU for a 6 month implant, whenever I am ready to do so and have been free of Buprenorphine for a 10 day period...now we all know that's the hard part! Once I have the implant I will bear the Junkie Scar on my stomach and I will wear it with pride as than Naltrexone Implant is a guarantee against re addiction for 6 months. I will get it replaced every 6 months until I know I am clean and functioning normally. Possibly going to NA meetings but the whole 12 step thing is a bit daunting...

My cousin, and now it seems, my savior has offered to pay for the whole treatment for me, which will be $1000AU as there is an initial consultation fee of $120AU. She and her partner are my best friends and it breaks them to watch me become more 'dope' the longer I keep taking Bupe, so they offered to pay for the treatment for me, for the first implant only and any more implants required after the initial implant will be my responsibility, likewise if I become re addicted to opiates it will by my responsibility and they will not help again if this happens. I appreciate them and thank my Creator for them being in my life. They are offering me my first step and a chance to be clean. I will not stuff this up, I am making myself absolutely despise Bupe, as helpful as it has been for so long, I just need freedom and clarity. My mother refuses to acknowledge I have drug addiction issues and that I have a brother who is alcoholic. If I attempt to discuss Suboxone or the like with my mum, she says 'yeah whatever' and/or changes the subject. I wonder if she really knows how heavily addicted my body is to opiates? She sure hates hearing about it and it breaks my heart that she doesn't even care.

Since last night I am on and off high with joy as I know I will one day very soon be off of Suboxone and the other poisonous mind numbing/dumbing drugs I will detox from at the same time, such as nicotine. In the almost 3 years I've been on Suboxone/Bupe I've been noticing a decline in my ability to express my words in a clear manner as I used to, I constantly freeze mid sentence completely clueless as to what I was just talking about and people notice this and ask me what I'm on...they think I'm on Xanax or some crap like I was in the past. No, it's just me how I am on Lexapro and Bupe. I feel I have much less intellect now than I did before and that makes me feel so damn sad...it's all still 'in there', but my brain co-ordination is out of whack and I want it all back.

Finally, today I dropped to 10mg from 12 mg so lets see how I feel in a few days when the dose drop actually affects me. There is an urgency guiding my heart in this matter, it almost feels divine.

Love and Light

A Country Detox

I know to a lot of people, Suboxone is a savior. It was a savior (and sort of still is) to me, although when the time comes to jump off this drug, at even the tiniest dose, we may as well have just cold turkeyed off of our retrospective opioids of choices. I was a codeine fiend mainly, downing anything up to 1200 mg's per day. 600mg's, twice daily. Someday I took more, although 1200 mg was my amount to feel sufficiently high and not dope sick. I did this for well over two years until I admitted defeat and sought treatment. I wish they had have just detoxed me then and there. Instead, I was imprisoned on the drug Suboxone. My doc says I may take it my whole life, no fucking way.

Now, onto the actual subject of a country detox I have been offered free rent on a 4 acre country property, living in a shack/caravan and maintaining and beautifying the land for as long as I need to take in my recovery from Suboxone then Lexapro. The tools and materials will be provided for me as necessary to construct shelters, gardens, grow vegetables and trees, and maintain the spectacular roses. For a few years now I've yearned for a country getaway and this is my chance, and I'm detoxing from my drug controlled life once and for all. Reclaiming myself.

These are the conditions I have imposed on myself in order to make this work.

• I shall have my computer for music and internet. (hopefully my wireless works out there!)
• I shall have a mobile phone for communication.
• I shall not have a TV as I don't watch it anyway.
• I have an agreement with the land owner (a good mate) to make sure I don't fail. He will make sure there is no way for me to get back home.
• Visits will be on a weekend basis to bring deliveries, supplies etc.
• I will exercise daily as much as possible to fatigue and exhaust myself so I can sleep.
• I will document everything on paper and on the net. I can get others to post on my blog on my behalf if required.
• I may have to 'call it off' with my partner as I cannot have any aggravations during the process. His help is in reality, a hindrance. He doesn't support this whole idea either.
• Crossword puzzles and cryptic crosswords are a must to stimulate my brain. Cryptic crosswords are the only tool that allows us to use both sides of the brain at once!
• I have bought a skipping rope, a basketball and pump and backboard, running shoes, training clothing, pedometer, dumbbells, Ab stretcher and abdominizer! I plan to get very fit and strong during the process instead of laying there crying and screaming.

I am mentally preparing for this whole ordeal and any support form anyone worldwide, would be so much appreciated. I am focusing on spirituality and healing my soul from the damage done.

Love and Light to all you lovely people.

An Introduction

So here is my first post, finally. For a long time I've been debating starting and maintaining a blog or two, but having since made the decision to detox cold turkey from Suboxone in the near future, I feel in my heart it is my duty to share the tribulations and the ultimate freedom from Suboxone, once and for all. I've been on Suboxone coming on 3 years and I am just sick of it.

This drug, combined with Lexapro has made me an emotionless person and I cannot function in a relationship, as anyone who is not in my situation, does not understand me inside. Deep in my heart I know I am concerned about so many things, yet the drugs give me a type of apathy towards life and it's occurrences. I want to be me again, to feel alive, human.

Antidepressants have controlled me for a decade now and I am really feeling the long term effects hitting me. These include but are not limited to an almost permanent Parkinson like tremor, sometimes in my speech but mostly in my co-ordination. Sometimes worse, sometimes hardly noticeable but always there. I could easily develop anorexia as a result of Suboxone/Buprenorphine. At 12mg per day I never feel hungry and I only eat to feel 'normal'...whatever that is anymore I don't know but I plan to find out soon!

I want to reach out to those on Sub and share my experience and encourage others to share their Suboxone stories. When I jump off of Bupe, I will document it all and share everything with you, the reader. This is the aim of my blog and when the time comes to move to the country, I'll take my beloved cats, my computer and wireless internet, plenty of pens, pencils and notebooks, and not much else. This is going to be living off the land, so to speak. No luxuries where I am going.

Perfectly though there are lots of gardens and vegetables I'll have to grow, and a 4 acre block to maintain to keep me occupied whilst I'm detoxing once I'm capable again of walking. 400 rose bushes needing pruning too! I need to be alone to go through this detox as I will be intolerable to anyone near me during withdrawal, all attempts at help make a withdrawing person mad with rage. Especially me.

This is my time to reconnect with humanity, reclaim my life and shout, FUCK YOU SUBOXONE!

Love life!