Oh my blog and my lovely blog friends, I realized today it has been so long since I have posted anything. I'm afraid I was rather afflicted with a depression I could not contain. When I am in a state like that, I sleep away the apathy.
Yesterday was my birthday and I am now 28. Don't get me wrong I love getting older and the wisdom that comes with it, it's just for some reason I develop a depression about one week before my birthday which disappears the day after.
I guess I feel lonely on my birthday and that all the hype is so over rated. Receiving gifts makes me feel somewhat guilty, as I rarely buy gifts for anyone other that my mum.
Ah well, that day was yesterday. Today is an extremely windy and muggy 3rd March. I don't know what's going on with our bizarre weather. One day it's damn hot then next I am wearing a jacket and freezing my ass off!
We all got an sms from VIC Police about extreme weather. That's a first. Ever since Feb 7th people are cautious about bush fires and the like.
I miss this blog and you who read it and comment. Thank you Tom and Anna for your recent comments. :) I'm relieved I'm not the only one who suffers from insanity smiles, thanks for easing that wondering in me Tom!
I shall write another post tomorrow as I am due at work very soon.
Love, Pisceus.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Sunday Smoky Sunday!
The reality of the bush fires in Victoria descended upon Melbourne with a hazy vengeance yest yesterday, remaining today and most likely for the rest of the week, making us look like Beijing on a good day! The smoke descending onto the city and surrounds from the outer city bushy areas, the smell of the burning wood a reminder that we are not safe entirely yet especially if the temperature hits 47.4c again like 'Black Saturday', (Sat 7th Feb, 09) The death toll is just awful. Minute silence.
A real time Google FIRE MAP of Melbourne and surrounds.
Enough of that, it really feels depressing here with all these fires still burning everywhere although none nowhere near my area thank God.
I also don't watch TV so I'm not confronted with these images every 5 seconds.
Let's hope we never experience an uncontained fire, ever.
So, anyway last night my main man ended up stayed over after an afternoon sms to me and helped me babysit my cousins 3 children. Fuck it was hard work looking after a 4 month old crying baby girl (but oh so cute!), a demanding 3 year old girl and an oft questioning 7 year old boy!
Thankfully it didn't go too bad at all except for a few crying and tantrum issues but kids seem to stop fairly quickly with me. I talk to them like adults and they stop misbehaving. It works for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here today...the asylum would've been needed!
I didn't get down to any action with the main man, we were both too tired although earlier I was secretly hoping for some. Amazingly I slept 6 hours last night and I attribute part of it to the exhausting task of sitting 3 children, and my main man staying in my bed the night.
I must examine this prospect more thoroughly, we really have some connection deeper than most although we argue fucken lots!
Being the drug addict I am, relationships disturb me as I don't like people knowing me so well but I want to live with this guy, I'll keep you informed! One proviso with him...
No more of this...
Or this...
Well I soon won't be doing both and it's my own choice, he is helping me achieve this goal and likes me!
Only 3 more days of Suboxone...tomorrow and the next two after it and that's it...game over. Reality will rear it's ugly head and sneer at me, grinning its toxic sentiments of 'you can't hide no more'. My inner alarm bells are going off more and more, as is the demon voice urging me to reconsider. Demanding I reconsider and remain on Suboxone for life. This voice turns vicious against me, so I know it's not my true inner voice as I am a really easygoing 'mind my own business' guy.
No I'm not schizophrenic or anything (that I know of!) and don't 'hear' voices as such like said people, rather they are simply 'thought' voices, compared to my true inner voice. That's the best I can explain it!
I also feel I am finally expanding my relationships with my main man, family and friends as I individually apologize to anyone who had to witness me overdosing pills, or were hurt by my drug use, or if I had ever lied to them about drug use.
It's helping me be more honest with myself and my loved ones and they in turn are warming to me more. Humble pie.
Well I'm off to get something for Lunch, not getting hungry often, I must stave off the anorexia causing aspect of Suboxone in me for a few more hours with a bite of food, lest I wither like an old prune (or the lady across the road!) Ouch! :P
For now, Au Revoir
The Fool!
A real time Google FIRE MAP of Melbourne and surrounds.
Enough of that, it really feels depressing here with all these fires still burning everywhere although none nowhere near my area thank God.
I also don't watch TV so I'm not confronted with these images every 5 seconds.
Let's hope we never experience an uncontained fire, ever.
So, anyway last night my main man ended up stayed over after an afternoon sms to me and helped me babysit my cousins 3 children. Fuck it was hard work looking after a 4 month old crying baby girl (but oh so cute!), a demanding 3 year old girl and an oft questioning 7 year old boy!
Thankfully it didn't go too bad at all except for a few crying and tantrum issues but kids seem to stop fairly quickly with me. I talk to them like adults and they stop misbehaving. It works for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here today...the asylum would've been needed!
I didn't get down to any action with the main man, we were both too tired although earlier I was secretly hoping for some. Amazingly I slept 6 hours last night and I attribute part of it to the exhausting task of sitting 3 children, and my main man staying in my bed the night.
I must examine this prospect more thoroughly, we really have some connection deeper than most although we argue fucken lots!
Being the drug addict I am, relationships disturb me as I don't like people knowing me so well but I want to live with this guy, I'll keep you informed! One proviso with him...
No more of this...
Or this...
Well I soon won't be doing both and it's my own choice, he is helping me achieve this goal and likes me!
Only 3 more days of Suboxone...tomorrow and the next two after it and that's it...game over. Reality will rear it's ugly head and sneer at me, grinning its toxic sentiments of 'you can't hide no more'. My inner alarm bells are going off more and more, as is the demon voice urging me to reconsider. Demanding I reconsider and remain on Suboxone for life. This voice turns vicious against me, so I know it's not my true inner voice as I am a really easygoing 'mind my own business' guy.
No I'm not schizophrenic or anything (that I know of!) and don't 'hear' voices as such like said people, rather they are simply 'thought' voices, compared to my true inner voice. That's the best I can explain it!
I also feel I am finally expanding my relationships with my main man, family and friends as I individually apologize to anyone who had to witness me overdosing pills, or were hurt by my drug use, or if I had ever lied to them about drug use.
It's helping me be more honest with myself and my loved ones and they in turn are warming to me more. Humble pie.
Well I'm off to get something for Lunch, not getting hungry often, I must stave off the anorexia causing aspect of Suboxone in me for a few more hours with a bite of food, lest I wither like an old prune (or the lady across the road!) Ouch! :P
For now, Au Revoir
The Fool!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Even More Support
So my mother has finally jumped on my addiction bandwagon last night, which is my treatment with the Naltrexone Implant next week by Dr. O'Neil. It's my birthday in less than a month, and last night whilst essentially forcing my mother to listen to the realities of my opiate addiction, she surprisingly offered to pay for my flights from Melbourne to Perth and return, as a birthday present! Thanks mum, you've just helped in saving my life. It means the world to me. Thanks too to the lovely guys who posted comments, you rock and I truly appreciate the comments.
So I am set, it is definite, and I shall be non opiate dependent so very soon. I now have the finances in my hand, and all the means to achieve this plan. I really don't look forward to the withdrawal though, but I need to feel it to appreciate the challenge and feel like I accomplished something many don't or won't ever do.
After the withdrawal, post-withdrawal, depression and apathy subside, I shall be very close to a 'normal' functioning human again. Although I have to learn new skills to cope without Suboxone, which is still very much central to my life. That's where I am going to see Australia's best addiction doctor, recommended by Dr. O'Neil in Perth, and that is Dr. Steve Curry in Melbourne.
Last night I got a little more sleep than the past few nights but it was still difficult to fall asleep due to not being able to stop moving my legs during the night, and the annoying sense of dis-ease that withdrawal symptoms present to the agonizing non-endomorphism affected brain as it attempts to repair itself of the damage done. I wish I could get Ibogaine treatment, it sounds awesome and seems to really work in interrupting opiate and other drug addictions in combination with being a strong psychedelic. However Ibogaine is illegal in Australia (what isnt?) and I'd have to travel to some other country to do it.
For some reason I am feeling in a particularly bright today, that is something hopeful! I must hang on to every thread of hope in this next week and beyond. Support and encouragement are vital and my support network is growing daily as my friends and family hear about my detox plans. So far I've had no negative comments from anyone except from my mother, but even now she is changing as she comprehends the seriousness of this situation. Her two eldest sons are substance abusers, the reality is hitting her I can see it. We grew up in a very violent household thanks to a child bashing step father. I will tell that story one day very soon.
That's all for now as I listen and head bang to Slayer...ouch better not, I have a rather tender headache!
ANGEL OF DEATH!!!!
So I am set, it is definite, and I shall be non opiate dependent so very soon. I now have the finances in my hand, and all the means to achieve this plan. I really don't look forward to the withdrawal though, but I need to feel it to appreciate the challenge and feel like I accomplished something many don't or won't ever do.
After the withdrawal, post-withdrawal, depression and apathy subside, I shall be very close to a 'normal' functioning human again. Although I have to learn new skills to cope without Suboxone, which is still very much central to my life. That's where I am going to see Australia's best addiction doctor, recommended by Dr. O'Neil in Perth, and that is Dr. Steve Curry in Melbourne.
Last night I got a little more sleep than the past few nights but it was still difficult to fall asleep due to not being able to stop moving my legs during the night, and the annoying sense of dis-ease that withdrawal symptoms present to the agonizing non-endomorphism affected brain as it attempts to repair itself of the damage done. I wish I could get Ibogaine treatment, it sounds awesome and seems to really work in interrupting opiate and other drug addictions in combination with being a strong psychedelic. However Ibogaine is illegal in Australia (what isnt?) and I'd have to travel to some other country to do it.
For some reason I am feeling in a particularly bright today, that is something hopeful! I must hang on to every thread of hope in this next week and beyond. Support and encouragement are vital and my support network is growing daily as my friends and family hear about my detox plans. So far I've had no negative comments from anyone except from my mother, but even now she is changing as she comprehends the seriousness of this situation. Her two eldest sons are substance abusers, the reality is hitting her I can see it. We grew up in a very violent household thanks to a child bashing step father. I will tell that story one day very soon.
That's all for now as I listen and head bang to Slayer...ouch better not, I have a rather tender headache!
ANGEL OF DEATH!!!!
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