skip to main |
skip to sidebar
The reality of the bush fires in Victoria descended upon Melbourne with a hazy vengeance yest yesterday, remaining today and most likely for the rest of the week, making us look like Beijing on a good day! The smoke descending onto the city and surrounds from the outer city bushy areas, the smell of the burning wood a reminder that we are not safe entirely yet especially if the temperature hits 47.4c again like 'Black Saturday', (Sat 7th Feb, 09) The death toll is just awful. Minute silence.
A real time Google FIRE MAP of Melbourne and surrounds.
Enough of that, it really feels depressing here with all these fires still burning everywhere although none nowhere near my area thank God.
I also don't watch TV so I'm not confronted with these images every 5 seconds.
Let's hope we never experience an uncontained fire, ever.
So, anyway last night my main man ended up stayed over after an afternoon sms to me and helped me babysit my cousins 3 children. Fuck it was hard work looking after a 4 month old crying baby girl (but oh so cute!), a demanding 3 year old girl and an oft questioning 7 year old boy!
Thankfully it didn't go too bad at all except for a few crying and tantrum issues but kids seem to stop fairly quickly with me. I talk to them like adults and they stop misbehaving. It works for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here today...the asylum would've been needed!
I didn't get down to any action with the main man, we were both too tired although earlier I was secretly hoping for some. Amazingly I slept 6 hours last night and I attribute part of it to the exhausting task of sitting 3 children, and my main man staying in my bed the night.
I must examine this prospect more thoroughly, we really have some connection deeper than most although we argue fucken lots!
Being the drug addict I am, relationships disturb me as I don't like people knowing me so well but I want to live with this guy, I'll keep you informed! One proviso with him...
No more of this...
Or this...
Well I soon won't be doing both and it's my own choice, he is helping me achieve this goal and likes me!
Only 3 more days of Suboxone...tomorrow and the next two after it and that's it...game over. Reality will rear it's ugly head and sneer at me, grinning its toxic sentiments of 'you can't hide no more'. My inner alarm bells are going off more and more, as is the demon voice urging me to reconsider. Demanding I reconsider and remain on Suboxone for life. This voice turns vicious against me, so I know it's not my true inner voice as I am a really easygoing 'mind my own business' guy.
No I'm not schizophrenic or anything (that I know of!) and don't 'hear' voices as such like said people, rather they are simply 'thought' voices, compared to my true inner voice. That's the best I can explain it!
I also feel I am finally expanding my relationships with my main man, family and friends as I individually apologize to anyone who had to witness me overdosing pills, or were hurt by my drug use, or if I had ever lied to them about drug use.
It's helping me be more honest with myself and my loved ones and they in turn are warming to me more. Humble pie.
Well I'm off to get something for Lunch, not getting hungry often, I must stave off the anorexia causing aspect of Suboxone in me for a few more hours with a bite of food, lest I wither like an old prune (or the lady across the road!) Ouch! :P
For now, Au Revoir
The Fool!
Fuck! Last night as I lay in bed with the usual insomnia, at about 1-2am my rational mind, intuitive mind and my demons began arguing relentlessly as we have been in the past few weeks (man we used to get along just fine before I made the decision to detoxify!). It was like some swift attack from Hell, my opiate demon (whom by the way I call Morphius!), made my mind specifically concentrate on the morning of the Naltrexone Implanting, and particularly the uncomfortable Virgin Blue 6am flight to Perth which is well across the other side of Australia. This'll also be my longest flight ever at 4 hours...I don't travel far when I do due to the restrictions that the Suboxone program places on me traveling too far away.
Arrive at the airport at 4:30am for my flight and this time I shall be dope sick and showing it, I can just see it and what I'll look like. A junkie in withdrawal is not a pretty sight with watery eyes, runny noses, sniffing, sickly yawning, power sneezing, the outward appearance of the detoxee looking like we're suffering from some apocalyptic strain of influenza, but we also look much more like death...well I do anyway! Whilst thinking about this and imagining the painfully long flight a gripping fear crept up on me and just launched at me and I actually for the first time since making this decision and being confirmed for the implant, I felt shit scared. Fuck it took about 15 minutes to calm my thoughts down enough, to convince myself to deal with the detox at the time, minute by minute, even to cope second by second, as it goes in withdrawal. This withdrawal sharpened and hastened by the cleansing actions of Naltrexone.
Also amongst some of the attack thoughts were:
Attempting to make me so terrified of the upcoming detox as to avoid this whole idea...a usual scare tactic.
That I was getting some kind of 'Mark of the Beast' and would be condemned to a fiery Hell...
(remnants from a horrid past with Christianity I reckon!)
There could be some type of hidden implant inside the Naltrexone Implant that can control my thoughts, motivations and actions...that's a new one!
I would get a horrid pus filled infection or some necrosis which will leave a big hole in my abdomen...
I will be left to suffer the most agonizing withdrawal without any Catapres or other symptomatic medication, for the first few days especially...
I'm going to remain depressed afterwards for years and will never feel better...
The list goes on I tell ya now I could list so many more fear based thoughts, courtesy of my addict demon!
As I repeatedly affirm that I am strong enough to get through this, and I know I am, it's that damn demon voice interrupting, ensuring to point out every little pain and every other sensation in my body and urge me to take pills to remedy it, particularly with Suboxone. See I crave it, just fucking love it, that bitter lemon/lime cocktail flavor I savor every morning, as I feel comfortable knowing it'll make me feel great for the day. Poisonous thoughts Ala Morphius! I'm glad I'm laughing now, because I fucken sure won't be a laughing after a weeks time!
Off that subject for a mo, it seems I can't reply to comments today as the little comment window has decided not to load. Here I want to take the time to thank those who take the time to contact me. I thank them readers so much for your awesome and also some very inspirational messages, and for sharing your similar experiences, it means so much that people are genuinely interested in seeing how I go with this whole detoxing ordeal and it's great to read your posts in return. You rock!
Here is some basic info regarding my medications and soon to receive medication:
Lexapro: 20mg white oval tab. Escitalopram is the S isomer (active part) of the parent drug Citalopram (Cipramil/Celexa) and is an SSRI anti depressant. Effective in removing anxiety long term, except for when in drug withdrawal!
Suboxone: Hexagonal white tablets in Australia. Orange elsewhere in the world. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid receptor agonist/antagonist, basically meaning that it has little high and no particular pain relief for the junkie, but works great for opioid naive people. Bupe easily removes other opioids from their receptors and move in and occupy them for up to 72 hours. Much less than that in me as I always feel lousy in the morns until I take Suboxone. Subutex is the brand name for Bupe on its own. Suboxone however has the added drug Naloxone, a full opioid antagonist which, when injected, will put the user into immediate withdrawal. Suboxone should NOT be taken if you are an addict and currently affected by another opiate, it will immediately displace them and the subsequent withdrawal lasts for 24 or so hours. Wait a couple of days first.
Naltrexone: Implant, tabs (called ReVia 50mg) or injection. Naltrexone is similar to Naloxone being that is an opioid antagonist and will rip any other opioids out of the system, causing an immediate and swifter withdrawal and after use there is a major reduction of opioid tolerance due to it's 'cleaning effect'. Resulting in the 'new user' effect. Naltrexone occupies the receptors very well and no other opiate/opioid can displace it except for certain fentanyl analogues.
To finalize, I'm doing quite good today, I feel happy and my mood is fine. I've only taken 4mg of Suboxone so far today as I begin to precipitate harder withdrawal to ease the shock of next Saturdays Naltrexone accelerated withdrawal once the implant is in, apparently it works quite fast within an hour.
The nights, however, pose a constant annoyance. It's when the negative and drug thoughts begin to attack, when I'm most vulnerable is during the night when affected by insomnia. I suspect I'll be doing a lot of night posting during my detox as I lay awake much more severely than I am currently. Some bizarre thoughts in my mind ready to escape! Thank you and...
Take great care,
Pisceus
I am so joyous right now!
After having spent a significant time on the net and a few phone calls later yesterday, I have a clinic in my city, a price, and a willingness for these people to insert a Naltrexone implant into my abdomen for a cool price of $880AU for a 6 month implant, whenever I am ready to do so and have been free of Buprenorphine for a 10 day period...now we all know that's the hard part! Once I have the implant I will bear the Junkie Scar on my stomach and I will wear it with pride as than Naltrexone Implant is a guarantee against re addiction for 6 months. I will get it replaced every 6 months until I know I am clean and functioning normally. Possibly going to NA meetings but the whole 12 step thing is a bit daunting...
My cousin, and now it seems, my savior has offered to pay for the whole treatment for me, which will be $1000AU as there is an initial consultation fee of $120AU. She and her partner are my best friends and it breaks them to watch me become more 'dope' the longer I keep taking Bupe, so they offered to pay for the treatment for me, for the first implant only and any more implants required after the initial implant will be my responsibility, likewise if I become re addicted to opiates it will by my responsibility and they will not help again if this happens. I appreciate them and thank my Creator for them being in my life. They are offering me my first step and a chance to be clean. I will not stuff this up, I am making myself absolutely despise Bupe, as helpful as it has been for so long, I just need freedom and clarity. My mother refuses to acknowledge I have drug addiction issues and that I have a brother who is alcoholic. If I attempt to discuss Suboxone or the like with my mum, she says 'yeah whatever' and/or changes the subject. I wonder if she really knows how heavily addicted my body is to opiates? She sure hates hearing about it and it breaks my heart that she doesn't even care.
Since last night I am on and off high with joy as I know I will one day very soon be off of Suboxone and the other poisonous mind numbing/dumbing drugs I will detox from at the same time, such as nicotine. In the almost 3 years I've been on Suboxone/Bupe I've been noticing a decline in my ability to express my words in a clear manner as I used to, I constantly freeze mid sentence completely clueless as to what I was just talking about and people notice this and ask me what I'm on...they think I'm on Xanax or some crap like I was in the past. No, it's just me how I am on Lexapro and Bupe. I feel I have much less intellect now than I did before and that makes me feel so damn sad...it's all still 'in there', but my brain co-ordination is out of whack and I want it all back.
Finally, today I dropped to 10mg from 12 mg so lets see how I feel in a few days when the dose drop actually affects me. There is an urgency guiding my heart in this matter, it almost feels divine.
Love and Light
Posts
