An Encounter With My Demons

Fuck! Last night as I lay in bed with the usual insomnia, at about 1-2am my rational mind, intuitive mind and my demons began arguing relentlessly as we have been in the past few weeks (man we used to get along just fine before I made the decision to detoxify!). It was like some swift attack from Hell, my opiate demon (whom by the way I call Morphius!), made my mind specifically concentrate on the morning of the Naltrexone Implanting, and particularly the uncomfortable Virgin Blue 6am flight to Perth which is well across the other side of Australia. This'll also be my longest flight ever at 4 hours...I don't travel far when I do due to the restrictions that the Suboxone program places on me traveling too far away.

Arrive at the airport at 4:30am for my flight and this time I shall be dope sick and showing it, I can just see it and what I'll look like. A junkie in withdrawal is not a pretty sight with watery eyes, runny noses, sniffing, sickly yawning, power sneezing, the outward appearance of the detoxee looking like we're suffering from some apocalyptic strain of influenza, but we also look much more like death...well I do anyway! Whilst thinking about this and imagining the painfully long flight a gripping fear crept up on me and just launched at me and I actually for the first time since making this decision and being confirmed for the implant, I felt shit scared. Fuck it took about 15 minutes to calm my thoughts down enough, to convince myself to deal with the detox at the time, minute by minute, even to cope second by second, as it goes in withdrawal. This withdrawal sharpened and hastened by the cleansing actions of Naltrexone.

Also amongst some of the attack thoughts were:

Attempting to make me so terrified of the upcoming detox as to avoid this whole idea...a usual scare tactic.

That I was getting some kind of 'Mark of the Beast' and would be condemned to a fiery Hell...
(remnants from a horrid past with Christianity I reckon!)

There could be some type of hidden implant inside the Naltrexone Implant that can control my thoughts, motivations and actions...that's a new one!

I would get a horrid pus filled infection or some necrosis which will leave a big hole in my abdomen...

I will be left to suffer the most agonizing withdrawal without any Catapres or other symptomatic medication, for the first few days especially...

I'm going to remain depressed afterwards for years and will never feel better...

The list goes on I tell ya now I could list so many more fear based thoughts, courtesy of my addict demon!

As I repeatedly affirm that I am strong enough to get through this, and I know I am, it's that damn demon voice interrupting, ensuring to point out every little pain and every other sensation in my body and urge me to take pills to remedy it, particularly with Suboxone. See I crave it, just fucking love it, that bitter lemon/lime cocktail flavor I savor every morning, as I feel comfortable knowing it'll make me feel great for the day. Poisonous thoughts Ala Morphius! I'm glad I'm laughing now, because I fucken sure won't be a laughing after a weeks time!

Off that subject for a mo, it seems I can't reply to comments today as the little comment window has decided not to load. Here I want to take the time to thank those who take the time to contact me. I thank them readers so much for your awesome and also some very inspirational messages, and for sharing your similar experiences, it means so much that people are genuinely interested in seeing how I go with this whole detoxing ordeal and it's great to read your posts in return. You rock!

Here is some basic info regarding my medications and soon to receive medication:

Lexapro: 20mg white oval tab. Escitalopram is the S isomer (active part) of the parent drug Citalopram (Cipramil/Celexa) and is an SSRI anti depressant. Effective in removing anxiety long term, except for when in drug withdrawal!

Suboxone: Hexagonal white tablets in Australia. Orange elsewhere in the world. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid receptor agonist/antagonist, basically meaning that it has little high and no particular pain relief for the junkie, but works great for opioid naive people. Bupe easily removes other opioids from their receptors and move in and occupy them for up to 72 hours. Much less than that in me as I always feel lousy in the morns until I take Suboxone. Subutex is the brand name for Bupe on its own. Suboxone however has the added drug Naloxone, a full opioid antagonist which, when injected, will put the user into immediate withdrawal. Suboxone should NOT be taken if you are an addict and currently affected by another opiate, it will immediately displace them and the subsequent withdrawal lasts for 24 or so hours. Wait a couple of days first.

Naltrexone: Implant, tabs (called ReVia 50mg) or injection. Naltrexone is similar to Naloxone being that is an opioid antagonist and will rip any other opioids out of the system, causing an immediate and swifter withdrawal and after use there is a major reduction of opioid tolerance due to it's 'cleaning effect'. Resulting in the 'new user' effect. Naltrexone occupies the receptors very well and no other opiate/opioid can displace it except for certain fentanyl analogues.

To finalize, I'm doing quite good today, I feel happy and my mood is fine. I've only taken 4mg of Suboxone so far today as I begin to precipitate harder withdrawal to ease the shock of next Saturdays Naltrexone accelerated withdrawal once the implant is in, apparently it works quite fast within an hour.

The nights, however, pose a constant annoyance. It's when the negative and drug thoughts begin to attack, when I'm most vulnerable is during the night when affected by insomnia. I suspect I'll be doing a lot of night posting during my detox as I lay awake much more severely than I am currently. Some bizarre thoughts in my mind ready to escape! Thank you and...

Take great care,

Pisceus

Disturbing Dreams and Withdrawal

Of late since making the decision to come off Suboxone and get determined I've been having bizarre and quite scary dreams and I'm sure it's related to the whole idea if going receiving the Naltrexone implant.

I am having dreams of developing horrific skin diseases such as smallpox and body wide acne. Added into this mix are the recurring dreams of ripping both my skin and flesh off, caused by some type of apocalyptic leprosy! I wake up glad to be alive and feel assured that one day soon, hopefully in the next few months, will be on the implant and opioid free besides Naltrexone, but that doesn't count due to it's entirely antagonistic properties.

I believe the dreams could metaphorically be me 'shedding my skin' or something akin to this. More disturbing dreams are on the way for sure as there always is without fail when I am in withdrawal from whatever substance and actually sleeping...I both anticipate and dread some dreams. Whilst I am sleeping 8-9 hours per night currently, I know soon with my continuing Bupe reduction that this luxurious amount of sleep will soon come to an end and I will have an extra 8 hours stapled onto my day whilst feeling shithouse at the same time!!!

I laugh now but at the time I will be both cursing God and pleading with Him for the agony of withdrawal to miraculously disappear...it never went away and I yelled and I screamed during my roller coaster opiate addiction days, different to my now dependence on Suboxone. Whilst I haven't felt heavy withdrawal for the entire period of time I've been on Suboxone, if I miss one day or are 4 hours late on taking my dose I feel very sick and lethargic and sometimes even vomit and have watery eyes and excessive nonstop yawns and upon placing that magic pill under the tongue, the nastiness eases and I can be my out of touch with reality self once more. Happy little me!

Without Suboxone I feel disgusting and pitiful, like some type of animal. I have this to look forward to on what will be a grander scale than I've ever felt before. Yet I desire to feel and conquer the withdrawal pains and win against this nightmare once and for all.

Love and Light