An Encounter With My Demons

Fuck! Last night as I lay in bed with the usual insomnia, at about 1-2am my rational mind, intuitive mind and my demons began arguing relentlessly as we have been in the past few weeks (man we used to get along just fine before I made the decision to detoxify!). It was like some swift attack from Hell, my opiate demon (whom by the way I call Morphius!), made my mind specifically concentrate on the morning of the Naltrexone Implanting, and particularly the uncomfortable Virgin Blue 6am flight to Perth which is well across the other side of Australia. This'll also be my longest flight ever at 4 hours...I don't travel far when I do due to the restrictions that the Suboxone program places on me traveling too far away.

Arrive at the airport at 4:30am for my flight and this time I shall be dope sick and showing it, I can just see it and what I'll look like. A junkie in withdrawal is not a pretty sight with watery eyes, runny noses, sniffing, sickly yawning, power sneezing, the outward appearance of the detoxee looking like we're suffering from some apocalyptic strain of influenza, but we also look much more like death...well I do anyway! Whilst thinking about this and imagining the painfully long flight a gripping fear crept up on me and just launched at me and I actually for the first time since making this decision and being confirmed for the implant, I felt shit scared. Fuck it took about 15 minutes to calm my thoughts down enough, to convince myself to deal with the detox at the time, minute by minute, even to cope second by second, as it goes in withdrawal. This withdrawal sharpened and hastened by the cleansing actions of Naltrexone.

Also amongst some of the attack thoughts were:

Attempting to make me so terrified of the upcoming detox as to avoid this whole idea...a usual scare tactic.

That I was getting some kind of 'Mark of the Beast' and would be condemned to a fiery Hell...
(remnants from a horrid past with Christianity I reckon!)

There could be some type of hidden implant inside the Naltrexone Implant that can control my thoughts, motivations and actions...that's a new one!

I would get a horrid pus filled infection or some necrosis which will leave a big hole in my abdomen...

I will be left to suffer the most agonizing withdrawal without any Catapres or other symptomatic medication, for the first few days especially...

I'm going to remain depressed afterwards for years and will never feel better...

The list goes on I tell ya now I could list so many more fear based thoughts, courtesy of my addict demon!

As I repeatedly affirm that I am strong enough to get through this, and I know I am, it's that damn demon voice interrupting, ensuring to point out every little pain and every other sensation in my body and urge me to take pills to remedy it, particularly with Suboxone. See I crave it, just fucking love it, that bitter lemon/lime cocktail flavor I savor every morning, as I feel comfortable knowing it'll make me feel great for the day. Poisonous thoughts Ala Morphius! I'm glad I'm laughing now, because I fucken sure won't be a laughing after a weeks time!

Off that subject for a mo, it seems I can't reply to comments today as the little comment window has decided not to load. Here I want to take the time to thank those who take the time to contact me. I thank them readers so much for your awesome and also some very inspirational messages, and for sharing your similar experiences, it means so much that people are genuinely interested in seeing how I go with this whole detoxing ordeal and it's great to read your posts in return. You rock!

Here is some basic info regarding my medications and soon to receive medication:

Lexapro: 20mg white oval tab. Escitalopram is the S isomer (active part) of the parent drug Citalopram (Cipramil/Celexa) and is an SSRI anti depressant. Effective in removing anxiety long term, except for when in drug withdrawal!

Suboxone: Hexagonal white tablets in Australia. Orange elsewhere in the world. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid receptor agonist/antagonist, basically meaning that it has little high and no particular pain relief for the junkie, but works great for opioid naive people. Bupe easily removes other opioids from their receptors and move in and occupy them for up to 72 hours. Much less than that in me as I always feel lousy in the morns until I take Suboxone. Subutex is the brand name for Bupe on its own. Suboxone however has the added drug Naloxone, a full opioid antagonist which, when injected, will put the user into immediate withdrawal. Suboxone should NOT be taken if you are an addict and currently affected by another opiate, it will immediately displace them and the subsequent withdrawal lasts for 24 or so hours. Wait a couple of days first.

Naltrexone: Implant, tabs (called ReVia 50mg) or injection. Naltrexone is similar to Naloxone being that is an opioid antagonist and will rip any other opioids out of the system, causing an immediate and swifter withdrawal and after use there is a major reduction of opioid tolerance due to it's 'cleaning effect'. Resulting in the 'new user' effect. Naltrexone occupies the receptors very well and no other opiate/opioid can displace it except for certain fentanyl analogues.

To finalize, I'm doing quite good today, I feel happy and my mood is fine. I've only taken 4mg of Suboxone so far today as I begin to precipitate harder withdrawal to ease the shock of next Saturdays Naltrexone accelerated withdrawal once the implant is in, apparently it works quite fast within an hour.

The nights, however, pose a constant annoyance. It's when the negative and drug thoughts begin to attack, when I'm most vulnerable is during the night when affected by insomnia. I suspect I'll be doing a lot of night posting during my detox as I lay awake much more severely than I am currently. Some bizarre thoughts in my mind ready to escape! Thank you and...

Take great care,

Pisceus

Even More Support

So my mother has finally jumped on my addiction bandwagon last night, which is my treatment with the Naltrexone Implant next week by Dr. O'Neil. It's my birthday in less than a month, and last night whilst essentially forcing my mother to listen to the realities of my opiate addiction, she surprisingly offered to pay for my flights from Melbourne to Perth and return, as a birthday present! Thanks mum, you've just helped in saving my life. It means the world to me. Thanks too to the lovely guys who posted comments, you rock and I truly appreciate the comments.

So I am set, it is definite, and I shall be non opiate dependent so very soon. I now have the finances in my hand, and all the means to achieve this plan. I really don't look forward to the withdrawal though, but I need to feel it to appreciate the challenge and feel like I accomplished something many don't or won't ever do.
After the withdrawal, post-withdrawal, depression and apathy subside, I shall be very close to a 'normal' functioning human again. Although I have to learn new skills to cope without Suboxone, which is still very much central to my life. That's where I am going to see Australia's best addiction doctor, recommended by Dr. O'Neil in Perth, and that is Dr. Steve Curry in Melbourne.

Last night I got a little more sleep than the past few nights but it was still difficult to fall asleep due to not being able to stop moving my legs during the night, and the annoying sense of dis-ease that withdrawal symptoms present to the agonizing non-endomorphism affected brain as it attempts to repair itself of the damage done. I wish I could get Ibogaine treatment, it sounds awesome and seems to really work in interrupting opiate and other drug addictions in combination with being a strong psychedelic. However Ibogaine is illegal in Australia (what isnt?) and I'd have to travel to some other country to do it.

For some reason I am feeling in a particularly bright today, that is something hopeful! I must hang on to every thread of hope in this next week and beyond. Support and encouragement are vital and my support network is growing daily as my friends and family hear about my detox plans. So far I've had no negative comments from anyone except from my mother, but even now she is changing as she comprehends the seriousness of this situation. Her two eldest sons are substance abusers, the reality is hitting her I can see it. We grew up in a very violent household thanks to a child bashing step father. I will tell that story one day very soon.

That's all for now as I listen and head bang to Slayer...ouch better not, I have a rather tender headache!

ANGEL OF DEATH!!!!