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How fucking awful and yet amazing life is!
First, my plans go down the shitter in regards to the Implant and the whole Naltrexone detoxing on 21st so I write a blog post about it to have a bitch, then shortly afterwards I receive a full time job offer by phone, to start Monday 23rd!
Precision timing.
If I had've still been able to get the Implant this weekend, I wouldn't have possibly been able to take this job as I'd have been too dope sick and weak to work.
So it would seem that yet again...
...has changed the direction of my life with another swift dose of mind fuck along the way.
My mother is pseudo pissed off that I am not using the airfare to Perth, well I gave her the money back for it so I don't know why.
I reckon she thinks I've changed my mind about Naltrexone...no mother, I still intend to be clean of Buprenorphine by the years end if my current doctor will let me.
I'm still in the process of finding a doctor I can trust. It may take me forever.
A doctor that won't say...
That would be too much to bear...no more fucking pills.
Only God really knows how much I actually love and crave pills, how much I dream about them.
Especially OxyContin.
I haven't had such pleasure for years and yesterday I seen a pharmacist holding three packets of 40mg tabs and I instantly got massive cravings for the Oxy, I mean, MASSIVE!
Luckily another pharmacist came and handed me my Suboxone dose in a plastic cup which immediately occupied my mind, and I hightailed it out of there!
Only a junkies' heart would pound and his mouth almost begin drooling when laying his eyes on hardcore pharmaceuticals such as OxyContin tablets!
Thoughts racing, voices telling him to do terrible things to acquire said pills.
Like mine did.
Thoughts that even under extreme desperation I would never carry through as robbing pharmacies is not my scene unfortunately. I found a little document that sums up why:
I don't agree that telling the police everything is good but the rest, hmmmm, I can live with!
All thanks to Kelly for her magnificent and touching rhyme on the importance of not stealing!
This is what Pa had to say about it, he's a grifter from way back...
So to finish off this post without you falling asleep!
Pisceus
I'm starting to look very frazzled and sleep deprived...my once iridescent beauty is wilting like the bad witch from Oz in a shower. Not just that, this 27 year old has a big red zit on his cheek and feels like crying, oh my life is ruined for these last 5 days I take Suboxone...I am so sick of this battle. My bathroom cabinet stocked to the brim with Avon anti acne skincare range. It usually works great as I have been zit free since using it...until now!
No amount of foundation is gonna cover this fucker and I gotta go and get my breakfast, which is...Suboxone, McDonald's Sausage muffin (no icky egg) and a nice strong English Breakfast Tea from Gloria Jeans! I probably won't eat for the rest of the day except for when I'm squirmish and irritated in the arvo...god I wish I had Xanax to counter that!
I only have to take Suboxone for 5 more days, and fuck I'm gonna miss it. Yikes my heart is growing heavy, piss off I wanna feel good on my lonely valentines day, gotta fuck myself today as my valentine bailed on me by sms late last night. Good, I thought!
My pimple (although somewhat photo shop exaggerated!) and grim face in response to it...(yes this is actually me, 6 months ago)
The pain of it all!
Next Saturday I shall feel like this:
Man this gut ache is making me uneasy...ouch. Gotta get off my skinny white ass and get my brekky to alleviate it! Hmmm 10:19am...too late for Macca's muffin. Also my damn cars broken so I have to walk, oh the horror of it all.
Sitting here typing this random crap in my morning pre Suboxone, acne horror delirium dancing and listening to contralto goddess Amy Winehouse belt out a husky tune about going 'back to black', I have began what I call the 'insanity smiles'! These are strange urges to smile when I'm detoxing, anyone else ever get this during early withdrawal, before it gets bad? Bizarre!
...we only said goodbye with words...I died a hundred times...you go back to her and I go back to black...sings Amy, shown below. I just love her and would go straight for Amy!
Provided she stays off the crack and away from the bleach like below:
Oh fuck this I feel lousy, I gotta go get my stuff...I'll continue this later...
1.5 hours later and I'm back. Fulfilled in 3 ways, Opioids, Macca's and Caffeine oh and don't forget nicotine (in the form of gum as I quit cigarettes and smoking choof)...now all I need is some cock and I'm sweet! And oh my God am I furious at my doctor for calling my pharmacist and asking them to convince me this morning not to get the implant, as he claims it doesn't work.
However the 3 people I've met who are long term cured of Heroin addiction say otherwise. Fuck him, I'm the poor cunt who's opioid dependent, I'm the one who has to go thru this. My doctor can sleep assuredly each night that his natural endorphin production will continue and he gets to wake up feeling normal every morning. How long do I have to line his pockets with my addiction? He probably laughs about it each night as I toss (oh!) and turn each night!
I would feel like such a dumb cunt and a traitor to the cause if I didn't go and get this implant now. I have told EVERYONE and I ain't backing down so people can call me a 'typical junkie'.
Oh and about my liberal use of the word junkie: I call myself a junkie even though I have never touched Heroin or a syringe. I refer to anyone who is opioid dependent as a junkie, including myself. This way, I am so sensitized to the word junkie that if anyone calls me it I have no problems while some detest the name. I know I never stole to support my habit, I had a high paying job for that. Couldn't give a fuck what some bro or ho thinks anyway.
I feel like a session smoking bongs with ex president Bush Jr? Why you may ask?
Because George Bush does and he's my hero (please note I am using dark sarcasm when I say that he is my hero!)
Also around the net is a rumor that a certain new president uses cocaine and is homosexual, see this. Hell if Mr. Obama offered me cocaine and a blow job I wouldn't say no! He's hot for his age!
After all this rambling I should mention that I am using pics in an attempt to add a little more character into this blog, something to look at in between my drug addicted ramblings, if you will.
I feel so strange today, an inaugural moment in my life where I feel compelled to better myself in as many ways as I can. Last night I dreamed that I was clean from Suboxone and living and feeling completely normally. I felt so radiant and full of life compared to what I feel now on medications. Is my consciousness expanding? I hope so, especially before 2012.
Perhaps I am healing already from my dose drops. I only took 8mg yesterday. 11mg today at the pharmacy in front of the pharmacist as required to prove I take the pills. If a non opioid addict used Suboxone at 11mg, they would be sick for 2-3 days. Insomnia, throwing up, wanting to kill themselves it was so bad...and that was my brother on 1mg and several other people even on half a mg they get so sick. Not for the faint hearted!
I shall leave you with that thought and bid you all a great Valentines day :)
Pisceus Le Mat (Pisces the Fool.)
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