A New Job! Fuck Me Dead...

How fucking awful and yet amazing life is!



First, my plans go down the shitter in regards to the Implant and the whole Naltrexone detoxing on 21st so I write a blog post about it to have a bitch, then shortly afterwards I receive a full time job offer by phone, to start Monday 23rd!

Precision timing.

If I had've still been able to get the Implant this weekend, I wouldn't have possibly been able to take this job as I'd have been too dope sick and weak to work.

So it would seem that yet again...



...has changed the direction of my life with another swift dose of mind fuck along the way.

My mother is pseudo pissed off that I am not using the airfare to Perth, well I gave her the money back for it so I don't know why.

I reckon she thinks I've changed my mind about Naltrexone...no mother, I still intend to be clean of Buprenorphine by the years end if my current doctor will let me.

I'm still in the process of finding a doctor I can trust. It may take me forever.

A doctor that won't say...



That would be too much to bear...no more fucking pills.

Only God really knows how much I actually love and crave pills, how much I dream about them.

Especially OxyContin.

I haven't had such pleasure for years and yesterday I seen a pharmacist holding three packets of 40mg tabs and I instantly got massive cravings for the Oxy, I mean, MASSIVE!



Luckily another pharmacist came and handed me my Suboxone dose in a plastic cup which immediately occupied my mind, and I hightailed it out of there!

Only a junkies' heart would pound and his mouth almost begin drooling when laying his eyes on hardcore pharmaceuticals such as OxyContin tablets!

Thoughts racing, voices telling him to do terrible things to acquire said pills.

Like mine did.

Thoughts that even under extreme desperation I would never carry through as robbing pharmacies is not my scene unfortunately. I found a little document that sums up why:



I don't agree that telling the police everything is good but the rest, hmmmm, I can live with!

All thanks to Kelly for her magnificent and touching rhyme on the importance of not stealing!

This is what Pa had to say about it, he's a grifter from way back...



So to finish off this post without you falling asleep!

Pisceus

Blog Facelift

With the new direction I've been forced to take in my life regarding opioid addiction treatment, this inevitably means my blog plan has changed significantly and thus will take a new direction also as my treatment now must go over the long term due to Australian 'standards' and 'regulations' on health care.

So I've decided to incorporate all aspects of my gay pill popping life into one blog!

Whilst I am much more relieved at the thought of not detoxing immediately, I rue the thought of 11 more months on Suboxone.

My chemical captor Buprenorphine in all it's structural glory!



So to counter this new disappointment I gave my blog a face lift with my new found online surgical abilities!

Now if only I could get a face lift for my ravaged 27 year old skin...like Nancy Pelozi here! lol



PS: It's also my 28th birthday very soon!

Who's gone buy me a face lift?

Hell, even botox will do!

Shattered.

Shattered.

It seems all my elaborate planning for a February 21st implanting has been put on hold. For ethical reasons, a certain physician cannot treat me until I am sufficiently withdrawn from Suboxone for 14 days prior, as per the Australian standard. Bollox I say...

So what does this mean for me?

I have to consider my other options, and the only real medically approved way of coming off Suboxone is to taper slowly and detoxify in eleven or so months, minimum. Damn, shit and fuck.

All that insomnia I went thru while trying to speed up my withdrawal was basically for nothing.

NOTHING!!!

My prescribing doctor won't allow me to taper any faster than one mg per month as he believes I'll relapse into drug abuse if I taper too quickly or withdraw. So all in all this pharmacotherapeutic prison sentence called buprenorphine maintenance has just been extended considerably, and thus I weep.

In some ways I am relieved I won't have to go thru the agony of Naltrexone precipitated withdrawal. But in many more ways I am furious. This was my huge plan, something that was to empower me, the hardest thing I will have ever had to endured.

My inner addict is celebrating this blow to my plan as it now thinks it has won.

I say to it: See you for the next battle soon.

This is not over, not by a long shot. Upon reflection I have decided to change this blogs direction and use it as my all personal blog, although still concentrating on life as a Suboxone addict. I expect to have this blog still well and truly going when I finally am detoxified from Suboxone and can get a Naltrexone Implant.

Oh the Humanity...

I'm starting to look very frazzled and sleep deprived...my once iridescent beauty is wilting like the bad witch from Oz in a shower. Not just that, this 27 year old has a big red zit on his cheek and feels like crying, oh my life is ruined for these last 5 days I take Suboxone...I am so sick of this battle. My bathroom cabinet stocked to the brim with Avon anti acne skincare range. It usually works great as I have been zit free since using it...until now!

No amount of foundation is gonna cover this fucker and I gotta go and get my breakfast, which is...Suboxone, McDonald's Sausage muffin (no icky egg) and a nice strong English Breakfast Tea from Gloria Jeans! I probably won't eat for the rest of the day except for when I'm squirmish and irritated in the arvo...god I wish I had Xanax to counter that!

I only have to take Suboxone for 5 more days, and fuck I'm gonna miss it. Yikes my heart is growing heavy, piss off I wanna feel good on my lonely valentines day, gotta fuck myself today as my valentine bailed on me by sms late last night. Good, I thought!

My pimple (although somewhat photo shop exaggerated!) and grim face in response to it...(yes this is actually me, 6 months ago)



The pain of it all!

Next Saturday I shall feel like this:




Man this gut ache is making me uneasy...ouch. Gotta get off my skinny white ass and get my brekky to alleviate it! Hmmm 10:19am...too late for Macca's muffin. Also my damn cars broken so I have to walk, oh the horror of it all.

Sitting here typing this random crap in my morning pre Suboxone, acne horror delirium dancing and listening to contralto goddess Amy Winehouse belt out a husky tune about going 'back to black', I have began what I call the 'insanity smiles'! These are strange urges to smile when I'm detoxing, anyone else ever get this during early withdrawal, before it gets bad? Bizarre!

...we only said goodbye with words...I died a hundred times...you go back to her and I go back to black...sings Amy, shown below. I just love her and would go straight for Amy!



Provided she stays off the crack and away from the bleach like below:



Oh fuck this I feel lousy, I gotta go get my stuff...I'll continue this later...

1.5 hours later and I'm back. Fulfilled in 3 ways, Opioids, Macca's and Caffeine oh and don't forget nicotine (in the form of gum as I quit cigarettes and smoking choof)...now all I need is some cock and I'm sweet! And oh my God am I furious at my doctor for calling my pharmacist and asking them to convince me this morning not to get the implant, as he claims it doesn't work.

However the 3 people I've met who are long term cured of Heroin addiction say otherwise. Fuck him, I'm the poor cunt who's opioid dependent, I'm the one who has to go thru this. My doctor can sleep assuredly each night that his natural endorphin production will continue and he gets to wake up feeling normal every morning. How long do I have to line his pockets with my addiction? He probably laughs about it each night as I toss (oh!) and turn each night!

I would feel like such a dumb cunt and a traitor to the cause if I didn't go and get this implant now. I have told EVERYONE and I ain't backing down so people can call me a 'typical junkie'.

Oh and about my liberal use of the word junkie: I call myself a junkie even though I have never touched Heroin or a syringe. I refer to anyone who is opioid dependent as a junkie, including myself. This way, I am so sensitized to the word junkie that if anyone calls me it I have no problems while some detest the name. I know I never stole to support my habit, I had a high paying job for that. Couldn't give a fuck what some bro or ho thinks anyway.

I feel like a session smoking bongs with ex president Bush Jr? Why you may ask?

Because George Bush does and he's my hero (please note I am using dark sarcasm when I say that he is my hero!)



Also around the net is a rumor that a certain new president uses cocaine and is homosexual, see this. Hell if Mr. Obama offered me cocaine and a blow job I wouldn't say no! He's hot for his age!

After all this rambling I should mention that I am using pics in an attempt to add a little more character into this blog, something to look at in between my drug addicted ramblings, if you will.

I feel so strange today, an inaugural moment in my life where I feel compelled to better myself in as many ways as I can. Last night I dreamed that I was clean from Suboxone and living and feeling completely normally. I felt so radiant and full of life compared to what I feel now on medications. Is my consciousness expanding? I hope so, especially before 2012.

Perhaps I am healing already from my dose drops. I only took 8mg yesterday. 11mg today at the pharmacy in front of the pharmacist as required to prove I take the pills. If a non opioid addict used Suboxone at 11mg, they would be sick for 2-3 days. Insomnia, throwing up, wanting to kill themselves it was so bad...and that was my brother on 1mg and several other people even on half a mg they get so sick. Not for the faint hearted!





I shall leave you with that thought and bid you all a great Valentines day :)

Pisceus Le Mat (Pisces the Fool.)

An Encounter With My Demons

Fuck! Last night as I lay in bed with the usual insomnia, at about 1-2am my rational mind, intuitive mind and my demons began arguing relentlessly as we have been in the past few weeks (man we used to get along just fine before I made the decision to detoxify!). It was like some swift attack from Hell, my opiate demon (whom by the way I call Morphius!), made my mind specifically concentrate on the morning of the Naltrexone Implanting, and particularly the uncomfortable Virgin Blue 6am flight to Perth which is well across the other side of Australia. This'll also be my longest flight ever at 4 hours...I don't travel far when I do due to the restrictions that the Suboxone program places on me traveling too far away.

Arrive at the airport at 4:30am for my flight and this time I shall be dope sick and showing it, I can just see it and what I'll look like. A junkie in withdrawal is not a pretty sight with watery eyes, runny noses, sniffing, sickly yawning, power sneezing, the outward appearance of the detoxee looking like we're suffering from some apocalyptic strain of influenza, but we also look much more like death...well I do anyway! Whilst thinking about this and imagining the painfully long flight a gripping fear crept up on me and just launched at me and I actually for the first time since making this decision and being confirmed for the implant, I felt shit scared. Fuck it took about 15 minutes to calm my thoughts down enough, to convince myself to deal with the detox at the time, minute by minute, even to cope second by second, as it goes in withdrawal. This withdrawal sharpened and hastened by the cleansing actions of Naltrexone.

Also amongst some of the attack thoughts were:

Attempting to make me so terrified of the upcoming detox as to avoid this whole idea...a usual scare tactic.

That I was getting some kind of 'Mark of the Beast' and would be condemned to a fiery Hell...
(remnants from a horrid past with Christianity I reckon!)

There could be some type of hidden implant inside the Naltrexone Implant that can control my thoughts, motivations and actions...that's a new one!

I would get a horrid pus filled infection or some necrosis which will leave a big hole in my abdomen...

I will be left to suffer the most agonizing withdrawal without any Catapres or other symptomatic medication, for the first few days especially...

I'm going to remain depressed afterwards for years and will never feel better...

The list goes on I tell ya now I could list so many more fear based thoughts, courtesy of my addict demon!

As I repeatedly affirm that I am strong enough to get through this, and I know I am, it's that damn demon voice interrupting, ensuring to point out every little pain and every other sensation in my body and urge me to take pills to remedy it, particularly with Suboxone. See I crave it, just fucking love it, that bitter lemon/lime cocktail flavor I savor every morning, as I feel comfortable knowing it'll make me feel great for the day. Poisonous thoughts Ala Morphius! I'm glad I'm laughing now, because I fucken sure won't be a laughing after a weeks time!

Off that subject for a mo, it seems I can't reply to comments today as the little comment window has decided not to load. Here I want to take the time to thank those who take the time to contact me. I thank them readers so much for your awesome and also some very inspirational messages, and for sharing your similar experiences, it means so much that people are genuinely interested in seeing how I go with this whole detoxing ordeal and it's great to read your posts in return. You rock!

Here is some basic info regarding my medications and soon to receive medication:

Lexapro: 20mg white oval tab. Escitalopram is the S isomer (active part) of the parent drug Citalopram (Cipramil/Celexa) and is an SSRI anti depressant. Effective in removing anxiety long term, except for when in drug withdrawal!

Suboxone: Hexagonal white tablets in Australia. Orange elsewhere in the world. Buprenorphine is a partial opioid receptor agonist/antagonist, basically meaning that it has little high and no particular pain relief for the junkie, but works great for opioid naive people. Bupe easily removes other opioids from their receptors and move in and occupy them for up to 72 hours. Much less than that in me as I always feel lousy in the morns until I take Suboxone. Subutex is the brand name for Bupe on its own. Suboxone however has the added drug Naloxone, a full opioid antagonist which, when injected, will put the user into immediate withdrawal. Suboxone should NOT be taken if you are an addict and currently affected by another opiate, it will immediately displace them and the subsequent withdrawal lasts for 24 or so hours. Wait a couple of days first.

Naltrexone: Implant, tabs (called ReVia 50mg) or injection. Naltrexone is similar to Naloxone being that is an opioid antagonist and will rip any other opioids out of the system, causing an immediate and swifter withdrawal and after use there is a major reduction of opioid tolerance due to it's 'cleaning effect'. Resulting in the 'new user' effect. Naltrexone occupies the receptors very well and no other opiate/opioid can displace it except for certain fentanyl analogues.

To finalize, I'm doing quite good today, I feel happy and my mood is fine. I've only taken 4mg of Suboxone so far today as I begin to precipitate harder withdrawal to ease the shock of next Saturdays Naltrexone accelerated withdrawal once the implant is in, apparently it works quite fast within an hour.

The nights, however, pose a constant annoyance. It's when the negative and drug thoughts begin to attack, when I'm most vulnerable is during the night when affected by insomnia. I suspect I'll be doing a lot of night posting during my detox as I lay awake much more severely than I am currently. Some bizarre thoughts in my mind ready to escape! Thank you and...

Take great care,

Pisceus

THIS SATURDAY, God Providing!

I just received the second phone call from Dr. George O'Neil. I may be getting the implant in place THIS Saturday or next, all pending a plane flight to Perth, keeping an open date for a flight home!!!

He said that if I showed up to Perth on Saturday with NO money, he would still put in place a 'triple' Naltrexone Implant, and offer me accommodation in the residential short term facility for the 3-5 days required afterwards, to recover before my flight back to Melbourne because he has promised to do so. This promise is made to ALL junkies who approach Dr O'Neil for treatment. I would be billed $6000 but what I CAN pay is what I pay. He understands that most junkies are desperate and have no money or have family who won't cover the cost due to being burned by said junkie. People this man is funding this himself, is taking out massive loans of $700,000 on personal property. Some funding comes from State Govt level but as the Naltrexone Implant is not TGA approved, it is still 'experimental' and available via the Special Access Scheme. I aim to donate to this cause for the rest of my life, helping others lessen their financial burden of an Implant.

I hope to arrive at the clinic, dope sick as required, with at least $3000 for the treatment as I will pay for this implant, even if it means paying it off afterwards. I WILL pay for my own treatment eventually and GOD is going to provide it for me, I am meant to go through this and the money to pay for it is meant to come from somewhere, and in my life, things always seem to work out financially.

It is a miracle. The fact is tomorrow may be my last dose of Suboxone ever, ever! The thought of that causes immediate physical withdrawal reactions and also a deep excitement that I will be feeling human again some day in the foreseeable future. Even though I am about to face my demon head on with a vengeance, the thought almost intoxicates me, yet frightens the fuck out of me, as it has all happened so fast. Am I prepared so soon considering I was originally going to wait 8 or so weeks yet? But knowing myself, I know I should just jump in and go for it, and I will because I am so sick of this bollocks called life with Suboxone. She has helped, now it is time to leave her as we 'don't get along' anymore, so to speak!

Until tomorrow,

Love and Light.

If you read this blog and are still addicted I urge you, when you have the means to, to travel to Perth and seek Dr O'Neil for treatment. No-one else is as dedicated personally to this cause and he WILL NOT refuse you a Naltrexone Implant and treatment. Pay what you can for this life saving service.

A Trip To Perth! It Is Happening...

This morning I sent an email to Dr. George O'Neil of the Fresh Start clinic in Perth, Australia. He is the inventor of the Naltrexone Implant and I have chosen Dr O'Neil to personally put the implant in place and do my detox in Perth, a kind of extended and painful vacation!

Anyway Dr O'Neil responded to my voicemail while I was on a call to guaruantee some financial backing for treatment. My friend called then ten minutes later Dr O'Neil, I heard the call waiting during the call but thought it was an sms. Things are really looking up for me and I believed financial help would arrive from somewhere, and I have two people offering to sponsor my treatment.

Dr O'Neil said he can treat me and I only have to be off of Suboxone for 2 days, and he simply asked of me that I try to pay half of the cost. He will treat someone for free if they present at the clinic. I estimate 3-5 thousand dollars for my treatment IF I choose to stay for awhile in the residential facility in Perth to recover before travelling home. A small price to pay on my life. I will pay these people back.

I would very much love to see Perth itself, Perth looks beautiful. It is on the opposite side of Australia and a 3-5 hour flight, depending on which way one is travelling east or west.

So I await his call in return to discuss how and WHEN! It could be much sooner than expected!

Love and Light

My Miracle Occurred!

I am so joyous right now!

After having spent a significant time on the net and a few phone calls later yesterday, I have a clinic in my city, a price, and a willingness for these people to insert a Naltrexone implant into my abdomen for a cool price of $880AU for a 6 month implant, whenever I am ready to do so and have been free of Buprenorphine for a 10 day period...now we all know that's the hard part! Once I have the implant I will bear the Junkie Scar on my stomach and I will wear it with pride as than Naltrexone Implant is a guarantee against re addiction for 6 months. I will get it replaced every 6 months until I know I am clean and functioning normally. Possibly going to NA meetings but the whole 12 step thing is a bit daunting...

My cousin, and now it seems, my savior has offered to pay for the whole treatment for me, which will be $1000AU as there is an initial consultation fee of $120AU. She and her partner are my best friends and it breaks them to watch me become more 'dope' the longer I keep taking Bupe, so they offered to pay for the treatment for me, for the first implant only and any more implants required after the initial implant will be my responsibility, likewise if I become re addicted to opiates it will by my responsibility and they will not help again if this happens. I appreciate them and thank my Creator for them being in my life. They are offering me my first step and a chance to be clean. I will not stuff this up, I am making myself absolutely despise Bupe, as helpful as it has been for so long, I just need freedom and clarity. My mother refuses to acknowledge I have drug addiction issues and that I have a brother who is alcoholic. If I attempt to discuss Suboxone or the like with my mum, she says 'yeah whatever' and/or changes the subject. I wonder if she really knows how heavily addicted my body is to opiates? She sure hates hearing about it and it breaks my heart that she doesn't even care.

Since last night I am on and off high with joy as I know I will one day very soon be off of Suboxone and the other poisonous mind numbing/dumbing drugs I will detox from at the same time, such as nicotine. In the almost 3 years I've been on Suboxone/Bupe I've been noticing a decline in my ability to express my words in a clear manner as I used to, I constantly freeze mid sentence completely clueless as to what I was just talking about and people notice this and ask me what I'm on...they think I'm on Xanax or some crap like I was in the past. No, it's just me how I am on Lexapro and Bupe. I feel I have much less intellect now than I did before and that makes me feel so damn sad...it's all still 'in there', but my brain co-ordination is out of whack and I want it all back.

Finally, today I dropped to 10mg from 12 mg so lets see how I feel in a few days when the dose drop actually affects me. There is an urgency guiding my heart in this matter, it almost feels divine.

Love and Light

The Naltrexone Option

Having just had another fine discussion with my helper in detox (the land owner), I feel much more hopeful and optimistic about this happening real soon. Also bought up was the possibility of receiving a Naltrexone Implant, or to source a doctor who will prescribe Revia to me, naltrexone in tablet form. In Australia, prices have ranged from $1000 to a whopping $12000. I definitely can't afford the latter and that is the most qouted price. Certain politicians are biased and will make the life of a junkie very hard. No Medicare funding for opioid dependence. I need a miracle.

A Country Detox

I know to a lot of people, Suboxone is a savior. It was a savior (and sort of still is) to me, although when the time comes to jump off this drug, at even the tiniest dose, we may as well have just cold turkeyed off of our retrospective opioids of choices. I was a codeine fiend mainly, downing anything up to 1200 mg's per day. 600mg's, twice daily. Someday I took more, although 1200 mg was my amount to feel sufficiently high and not dope sick. I did this for well over two years until I admitted defeat and sought treatment. I wish they had have just detoxed me then and there. Instead, I was imprisoned on the drug Suboxone. My doc says I may take it my whole life, no fucking way.

Now, onto the actual subject of a country detox I have been offered free rent on a 4 acre country property, living in a shack/caravan and maintaining and beautifying the land for as long as I need to take in my recovery from Suboxone then Lexapro. The tools and materials will be provided for me as necessary to construct shelters, gardens, grow vegetables and trees, and maintain the spectacular roses. For a few years now I've yearned for a country getaway and this is my chance, and I'm detoxing from my drug controlled life once and for all. Reclaiming myself.

These are the conditions I have imposed on myself in order to make this work.

• I shall have my computer for music and internet. (hopefully my wireless works out there!)
• I shall have a mobile phone for communication.
• I shall not have a TV as I don't watch it anyway.
• I have an agreement with the land owner (a good mate) to make sure I don't fail. He will make sure there is no way for me to get back home.
• Visits will be on a weekend basis to bring deliveries, supplies etc.
• I will exercise daily as much as possible to fatigue and exhaust myself so I can sleep.
• I will document everything on paper and on the net. I can get others to post on my blog on my behalf if required.
• I may have to 'call it off' with my partner as I cannot have any aggravations during the process. His help is in reality, a hindrance. He doesn't support this whole idea either.
• Crossword puzzles and cryptic crosswords are a must to stimulate my brain. Cryptic crosswords are the only tool that allows us to use both sides of the brain at once!
• I have bought a skipping rope, a basketball and pump and backboard, running shoes, training clothing, pedometer, dumbbells, Ab stretcher and abdominizer! I plan to get very fit and strong during the process instead of laying there crying and screaming.

I am mentally preparing for this whole ordeal and any support form anyone worldwide, would be so much appreciated. I am focusing on spirituality and healing my soul from the damage done.

Love and Light to all you lovely people.

An Introduction

So here is my first post, finally. For a long time I've been debating starting and maintaining a blog or two, but having since made the decision to detox cold turkey from Suboxone in the near future, I feel in my heart it is my duty to share the tribulations and the ultimate freedom from Suboxone, once and for all. I've been on Suboxone coming on 3 years and I am just sick of it.

This drug, combined with Lexapro has made me an emotionless person and I cannot function in a relationship, as anyone who is not in my situation, does not understand me inside. Deep in my heart I know I am concerned about so many things, yet the drugs give me a type of apathy towards life and it's occurrences. I want to be me again, to feel alive, human.

Antidepressants have controlled me for a decade now and I am really feeling the long term effects hitting me. These include but are not limited to an almost permanent Parkinson like tremor, sometimes in my speech but mostly in my co-ordination. Sometimes worse, sometimes hardly noticeable but always there. I could easily develop anorexia as a result of Suboxone/Buprenorphine. At 12mg per day I never feel hungry and I only eat to feel 'normal'...whatever that is anymore I don't know but I plan to find out soon!

I want to reach out to those on Sub and share my experience and encourage others to share their Suboxone stories. When I jump off of Bupe, I will document it all and share everything with you, the reader. This is the aim of my blog and when the time comes to move to the country, I'll take my beloved cats, my computer and wireless internet, plenty of pens, pencils and notebooks, and not much else. This is going to be living off the land, so to speak. No luxuries where I am going.

Perfectly though there are lots of gardens and vegetables I'll have to grow, and a 4 acre block to maintain to keep me occupied whilst I'm detoxing once I'm capable again of walking. 400 rose bushes needing pruning too! I need to be alone to go through this detox as I will be intolerable to anyone near me during withdrawal, all attempts at help make a withdrawing person mad with rage. Especially me.

This is my time to reconnect with humanity, reclaim my life and shout, FUCK YOU SUBOXONE!

Love life!