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How fucking awful and yet amazing life is!
First, my plans go down the shitter in regards to the Implant and the whole Naltrexone detoxing on 21st so I write a blog post about it to have a bitch, then shortly afterwards I receive a full time job offer by phone, to start Monday 23rd!
Precision timing.
If I had've still been able to get the Implant this weekend, I wouldn't have possibly been able to take this job as I'd have been too dope sick and weak to work.
So it would seem that yet again...
...has changed the direction of my life with another swift dose of mind fuck along the way.
My mother is pseudo pissed off that I am not using the airfare to Perth, well I gave her the money back for it so I don't know why.
I reckon she thinks I've changed my mind about Naltrexone...no mother, I still intend to be clean of Buprenorphine by the years end if my current doctor will let me.
I'm still in the process of finding a doctor I can trust. It may take me forever.
A doctor that won't say...
That would be too much to bear...no more fucking pills.
Only God really knows how much I actually love and crave pills, how much I dream about them.
Especially OxyContin.
I haven't had such pleasure for years and yesterday I seen a pharmacist holding three packets of 40mg tabs and I instantly got massive cravings for the Oxy, I mean, MASSIVE!
Luckily another pharmacist came and handed me my Suboxone dose in a plastic cup which immediately occupied my mind, and I hightailed it out of there!
Only a junkies' heart would pound and his mouth almost begin drooling when laying his eyes on hardcore pharmaceuticals such as OxyContin tablets!
Thoughts racing, voices telling him to do terrible things to acquire said pills.
Like mine did.
Thoughts that even under extreme desperation I would never carry through as robbing pharmacies is not my scene unfortunately. I found a little document that sums up why:
I don't agree that telling the police everything is good but the rest, hmmmm, I can live with!
All thanks to Kelly for her magnificent and touching rhyme on the importance of not stealing!
This is what Pa had to say about it, he's a grifter from way back...
So to finish off this post without you falling asleep!
Pisceus
My relationship with drugs began at the tender age of 14 years old, when I began to binge drink alcohol (Southern Comfort) and smoke marijuana with my cousin and his friends.
As I was one of those kids who were being bashed everyday at home by a hateful stepfather I welcomed the mood altering drugs with open arms, getting pissed or stoned began to be my escape from a heavily bruised and oft painful reality.
Going to school was no better...All I ever used to hear were the words: Faggot, poofter, homo, queer, ass fucker, gay...the list goes on and I was bullied relentlessly for my assumed homosexuality.
Fast forward to 18 years old and I now smoke marijuana daily and drink dangerously with pills thrown on top to amplify the effect. By this time my love of pills was developing swimmingly and I started using codeine irregularly and began to visit various doctors for pills. It was here I became a benzodiazepine addict, using: diazepam, oxazepam, alprazolam and temazepam. Mainly Alprazolam and Diazepam.
After several nasty incidents involving benzo's and alcohol, I said goodbye to my old friend ethanol and remained on Xanax. By age 21 and I have completely gone sober from Alcohol and turned full pelt onto marijuana and various types of pills. By this age I had experimented with methamphetamine, MDMA, LSD, cocaine, and 37 different prescription or over the counter pills. I was a bona fide pill junkie!
23 years old and I had an adult circumcision. Fucken ouch! This procedure was my downfall, it was here I fell in love with oxycodone and have never been opioid free since. Immediately I became addicted to opiates, thru the oxycodone, when I ran out I began using large amounts of codeine for my 'erection' pains! I gave up the benzo's at this time with the help of my drug nurse but I hid the codeine addiction from her, as I was too embarrased to admit I had already acquired a new and much more dangerous addiction. I kick myself for not addressing it then.
Fast foward 2 years and I am an utter mess and very sick on 1200mg's codeine per day, divided into 2 daily doses of 600mg. My weight has ballooned 26 kg's up to 85kg's and I AM FAT, well to me who is usually super slim at 59kg's I sure felt fat!
Occasionally swallowing benzo drugs for the hell of it and risking re addiction fucked my job up as I could barely string a sentence together when high, my boss cottoned on and I had to resign before I was fired to save my dignity. Suffering from high blood pressure, a heart murmur, anemia and vomiting daily I finally sought Suboxone, which immediately stabilized my life. I still tried to get high but it was half assed so I gave up.
Present day: No other drugs except for Suboxone, Lexapro, Caffeine and Nicotine. Marijuana was given up 6 months ago alongside cigarettes. Now only on nicotine gum. I still use Valium very sparingly and requested my doctor only give me small amounts at a time to avoid re addiction.
So that is the basics of my drug history. Of course there is so much more to tell.
I have all the time in the world to detail certain aspects of the past, which I will in due time!
I shall also post later in the day with my regular post when I feel alive as I promised myself to post daily updates. This is like a diary for me!
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