Oh my blog and my lovely blog friends, I realized today it has been so long since I have posted anything. I'm afraid I was rather afflicted with a depression I could not contain. When I am in a state like that, I sleep away the apathy.
Yesterday was my birthday and I am now 28. Don't get me wrong I love getting older and the wisdom that comes with it, it's just for some reason I develop a depression about one week before my birthday which disappears the day after.
I guess I feel lonely on my birthday and that all the hype is so over rated. Receiving gifts makes me feel somewhat guilty, as I rarely buy gifts for anyone other that my mum.
Ah well, that day was yesterday. Today is an extremely windy and muggy 3rd March. I don't know what's going on with our bizarre weather. One day it's damn hot then next I am wearing a jacket and freezing my ass off!
We all got an sms from VIC Police about extreme weather. That's a first. Ever since Feb 7th people are cautious about bush fires and the like.
I miss this blog and you who read it and comment. Thank you Tom and Anna for your recent comments. :) I'm relieved I'm not the only one who suffers from insanity smiles, thanks for easing that wondering in me Tom!
I shall write another post tomorrow as I am due at work very soon.
Love, Pisceus.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Insanity Smiles
Insanity Smiles?
What the fuck are they, you might ask?
Well it is 7:30am on the morning I'm supposed to be getting the implant, and once again I'm sitting here in icky withdrawal for nothing.
I also have another major case of the insanity smiles...let me explain how an insanity smile works in me and when/why I get them!
Example of an 'Insanity Smile'!
OK when it hits 28-30 hours after my last Suboxone dose, I begin feeling very fatigued, uneasy and wary of everything.
By this time my drug craving mind, in early dope sickness, begins to panic as my buprenorphine levels dwindle and my flight or fight reaction begins revving up.
Thus my endogenous norepinephrine levels begin to rise and add substantially to the inner nervous tension; which when combined with an anxious and beginning to be delirious mind, cause the famous insanity smiles!
Recently when going thru this terrible affliction I saw an old man fall over in front of me. Now ordinarily I'd go up and help him...not when I've got the insanity smiles however!
I felt like a royal bastard and like I was literally fucking insane laughing at this poor old man in his fallen misery. I continued to have the giggles from then on until I had my Suboxone dose 2 hours later, whereupon the smiles immediately disappear as the slightly euphoric glow kicks in!
I'd better be careful lest this affliction have deleterious effects on my relationships!
Such is the indiscriminate effect of the insanity smiles!
A serious affliction of sorts...
What the fuck are they, you might ask?
Well it is 7:30am on the morning I'm supposed to be getting the implant, and once again I'm sitting here in icky withdrawal for nothing.
I also have another major case of the insanity smiles...let me explain how an insanity smile works in me and when/why I get them!
Example of an 'Insanity Smile'!
OK when it hits 28-30 hours after my last Suboxone dose, I begin feeling very fatigued, uneasy and wary of everything.
By this time my drug craving mind, in early dope sickness, begins to panic as my buprenorphine levels dwindle and my flight or fight reaction begins revving up.
Thus my endogenous norepinephrine levels begin to rise and add substantially to the inner nervous tension; which when combined with an anxious and beginning to be delirious mind, cause the famous insanity smiles!
Recently when going thru this terrible affliction I saw an old man fall over in front of me. Now ordinarily I'd go up and help him...not when I've got the insanity smiles however!
I felt like a royal bastard and like I was literally fucking insane laughing at this poor old man in his fallen misery. I continued to have the giggles from then on until I had my Suboxone dose 2 hours later, whereupon the smiles immediately disappear as the slightly euphoric glow kicks in!
I'd better be careful lest this affliction have deleterious effects on my relationships!
Such is the indiscriminate effect of the insanity smiles!
A serious affliction of sorts...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A New Job! Fuck Me Dead...
How fucking awful and yet amazing life is!
First, my plans go down the shitter in regards to the Implant and the whole Naltrexone detoxing on 21st so I write a blog post about it to have a bitch, then shortly afterwards I receive a full time job offer by phone, to start Monday 23rd!
Precision timing.
If I had've still been able to get the Implant this weekend, I wouldn't have possibly been able to take this job as I'd have been too dope sick and weak to work.
So it would seem that yet again...
...has changed the direction of my life with another swift dose of mind fuck along the way.
My mother is pseudo pissed off that I am not using the airfare to Perth, well I gave her the money back for it so I don't know why.
I reckon she thinks I've changed my mind about Naltrexone...no mother, I still intend to be clean of Buprenorphine by the years end if my current doctor will let me.
I'm still in the process of finding a doctor I can trust. It may take me forever.
A doctor that won't say...
That would be too much to bear...no more fucking pills.
Only God really knows how much I actually love and crave pills, how much I dream about them.
Especially OxyContin.
I haven't had such pleasure for years and yesterday I seen a pharmacist holding three packets of 40mg tabs and I instantly got massive cravings for the Oxy, I mean, MASSIVE!
Luckily another pharmacist came and handed me my Suboxone dose in a plastic cup which immediately occupied my mind, and I hightailed it out of there!
Only a junkies' heart would pound and his mouth almost begin drooling when laying his eyes on hardcore pharmaceuticals such as OxyContin tablets!
Thoughts racing, voices telling him to do terrible things to acquire said pills.
Like mine did.
Thoughts that even under extreme desperation I would never carry through as robbing pharmacies is not my scene unfortunately. I found a little document that sums up why:
I don't agree that telling the police everything is good but the rest, hmmmm, I can live with!
All thanks to Kelly for her magnificent and touching rhyme on the importance of not stealing!
This is what Pa had to say about it, he's a grifter from way back...
So to finish off this post without you falling asleep!
Pisceus
First, my plans go down the shitter in regards to the Implant and the whole Naltrexone detoxing on 21st so I write a blog post about it to have a bitch, then shortly afterwards I receive a full time job offer by phone, to start Monday 23rd!
Precision timing.
If I had've still been able to get the Implant this weekend, I wouldn't have possibly been able to take this job as I'd have been too dope sick and weak to work.
So it would seem that yet again...
...has changed the direction of my life with another swift dose of mind fuck along the way.
My mother is pseudo pissed off that I am not using the airfare to Perth, well I gave her the money back for it so I don't know why.
I reckon she thinks I've changed my mind about Naltrexone...no mother, I still intend to be clean of Buprenorphine by the years end if my current doctor will let me.
I'm still in the process of finding a doctor I can trust. It may take me forever.
A doctor that won't say...
That would be too much to bear...no more fucking pills.
Only God really knows how much I actually love and crave pills, how much I dream about them.
Especially OxyContin.
I haven't had such pleasure for years and yesterday I seen a pharmacist holding three packets of 40mg tabs and I instantly got massive cravings for the Oxy, I mean, MASSIVE!
Luckily another pharmacist came and handed me my Suboxone dose in a plastic cup which immediately occupied my mind, and I hightailed it out of there!
Only a junkies' heart would pound and his mouth almost begin drooling when laying his eyes on hardcore pharmaceuticals such as OxyContin tablets!
Thoughts racing, voices telling him to do terrible things to acquire said pills.
Like mine did.
Thoughts that even under extreme desperation I would never carry through as robbing pharmacies is not my scene unfortunately. I found a little document that sums up why:
I don't agree that telling the police everything is good but the rest, hmmmm, I can live with!
All thanks to Kelly for her magnificent and touching rhyme on the importance of not stealing!
This is what Pa had to say about it, he's a grifter from way back...
So to finish off this post without you falling asleep!
Pisceus
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Blog Facelift
With the new direction I've been forced to take in my life regarding opioid addiction treatment, this inevitably means my blog plan has changed significantly and thus will take a new direction also as my treatment now must go over the long term due to Australian 'standards' and 'regulations' on health care.
So I've decided to incorporate all aspects of my gay pill popping life into one blog!
Whilst I am much more relieved at the thought of not detoxing immediately, I rue the thought of 11 more months on Suboxone.
My chemical captor Buprenorphine in all it's structural glory!
So to counter this new disappointment I gave my blog a face lift with my new found online surgical abilities!
Now if only I could get a face lift for my ravaged 27 year old skin...like Nancy Pelozi here! lol
PS: It's also my 28th birthday very soon!
Who's gone buy me a face lift?
Hell, even botox will do!
So I've decided to incorporate all aspects of my gay pill popping life into one blog!
Whilst I am much more relieved at the thought of not detoxing immediately, I rue the thought of 11 more months on Suboxone.
My chemical captor Buprenorphine in all it's structural glory!
So to counter this new disappointment I gave my blog a face lift with my new found online surgical abilities!
Now if only I could get a face lift for my ravaged 27 year old skin...like Nancy Pelozi here! lol
PS: It's also my 28th birthday very soon!
Who's gone buy me a face lift?
Hell, even botox will do!
Shattered.
Shattered.
It seems all my elaborate planning for a February 21st implanting has been put on hold. For ethical reasons, a certain physician cannot treat me until I am sufficiently withdrawn from Suboxone for 14 days prior, as per the Australian standard. Bollox I say...
So what does this mean for me?
I have to consider my other options, and the only real medically approved way of coming off Suboxone is to taper slowly and detoxify in eleven or so months, minimum. Damn, shit and fuck.
All that insomnia I went thru while trying to speed up my withdrawal was basically for nothing.
NOTHING!!!
My prescribing doctor won't allow me to taper any faster than one mg per month as he believes I'll relapse into drug abuse if I taper too quickly or withdraw. So all in all this pharmacotherapeutic prison sentence called buprenorphine maintenance has just been extended considerably, and thus I weep.
In some ways I am relieved I won't have to go thru the agony of Naltrexone precipitated withdrawal. But in many more ways I am furious. This was my huge plan, something that was to empower me, the hardest thing I will have ever had to endured.
My inner addict is celebrating this blow to my plan as it now thinks it has won.
I say to it: See you for the next battle soon.
This is not over, not by a long shot. Upon reflection I have decided to change this blogs direction and use it as my all personal blog, although still concentrating on life as a Suboxone addict. I expect to have this blog still well and truly going when I finally am detoxified from Suboxone and can get a Naltrexone Implant.
It seems all my elaborate planning for a February 21st implanting has been put on hold. For ethical reasons, a certain physician cannot treat me until I am sufficiently withdrawn from Suboxone for 14 days prior, as per the Australian standard. Bollox I say...
So what does this mean for me?
I have to consider my other options, and the only real medically approved way of coming off Suboxone is to taper slowly and detoxify in eleven or so months, minimum. Damn, shit and fuck.
All that insomnia I went thru while trying to speed up my withdrawal was basically for nothing.
NOTHING!!!
My prescribing doctor won't allow me to taper any faster than one mg per month as he believes I'll relapse into drug abuse if I taper too quickly or withdraw. So all in all this pharmacotherapeutic prison sentence called buprenorphine maintenance has just been extended considerably, and thus I weep.
In some ways I am relieved I won't have to go thru the agony of Naltrexone precipitated withdrawal. But in many more ways I am furious. This was my huge plan, something that was to empower me, the hardest thing I will have ever had to endured.
My inner addict is celebrating this blow to my plan as it now thinks it has won.
I say to it: See you for the next battle soon.
This is not over, not by a long shot. Upon reflection I have decided to change this blogs direction and use it as my all personal blog, although still concentrating on life as a Suboxone addict. I expect to have this blog still well and truly going when I finally am detoxified from Suboxone and can get a Naltrexone Implant.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A Past Rampant With Drug Use
My relationship with drugs began at the tender age of 14 years old, when I began to binge drink alcohol (Southern Comfort) and smoke marijuana with my cousin and his friends.
As I was one of those kids who were being bashed everyday at home by a hateful stepfather I welcomed the mood altering drugs with open arms, getting pissed or stoned began to be my escape from a heavily bruised and oft painful reality.
Going to school was no better...All I ever used to hear were the words: Faggot, poofter, homo, queer, ass fucker, gay...the list goes on and I was bullied relentlessly for my assumed homosexuality.
Fast forward to 18 years old and I now smoke marijuana daily and drink dangerously with pills thrown on top to amplify the effect. By this time my love of pills was developing swimmingly and I started using codeine irregularly and began to visit various doctors for pills. It was here I became a benzodiazepine addict, using: diazepam, oxazepam, alprazolam and temazepam. Mainly Alprazolam and Diazepam.
After several nasty incidents involving benzo's and alcohol, I said goodbye to my old friend ethanol and remained on Xanax. By age 21 and I have completely gone sober from Alcohol and turned full pelt onto marijuana and various types of pills. By this age I had experimented with methamphetamine, MDMA, LSD, cocaine, and 37 different prescription or over the counter pills. I was a bona fide pill junkie!
23 years old and I had an adult circumcision. Fucken ouch! This procedure was my downfall, it was here I fell in love with oxycodone and have never been opioid free since. Immediately I became addicted to opiates, thru the oxycodone, when I ran out I began using large amounts of codeine for my 'erection' pains! I gave up the benzo's at this time with the help of my drug nurse but I hid the codeine addiction from her, as I was too embarrased to admit I had already acquired a new and much more dangerous addiction. I kick myself for not addressing it then.
Fast foward 2 years and I am an utter mess and very sick on 1200mg's codeine per day, divided into 2 daily doses of 600mg. My weight has ballooned 26 kg's up to 85kg's and I AM FAT, well to me who is usually super slim at 59kg's I sure felt fat!
Occasionally swallowing benzo drugs for the hell of it and risking re addiction fucked my job up as I could barely string a sentence together when high, my boss cottoned on and I had to resign before I was fired to save my dignity. Suffering from high blood pressure, a heart murmur, anemia and vomiting daily I finally sought Suboxone, which immediately stabilized my life. I still tried to get high but it was half assed so I gave up.
Present day: No other drugs except for Suboxone, Lexapro, Caffeine and Nicotine. Marijuana was given up 6 months ago alongside cigarettes. Now only on nicotine gum. I still use Valium very sparingly and requested my doctor only give me small amounts at a time to avoid re addiction.
So that is the basics of my drug history. Of course there is so much more to tell.
I have all the time in the world to detail certain aspects of the past, which I will in due time!
I shall also post later in the day with my regular post when I feel alive as I promised myself to post daily updates. This is like a diary for me!
As I was one of those kids who were being bashed everyday at home by a hateful stepfather I welcomed the mood altering drugs with open arms, getting pissed or stoned began to be my escape from a heavily bruised and oft painful reality.
Going to school was no better...All I ever used to hear were the words: Faggot, poofter, homo, queer, ass fucker, gay...the list goes on and I was bullied relentlessly for my assumed homosexuality.
Fast forward to 18 years old and I now smoke marijuana daily and drink dangerously with pills thrown on top to amplify the effect. By this time my love of pills was developing swimmingly and I started using codeine irregularly and began to visit various doctors for pills. It was here I became a benzodiazepine addict, using: diazepam, oxazepam, alprazolam and temazepam. Mainly Alprazolam and Diazepam.
After several nasty incidents involving benzo's and alcohol, I said goodbye to my old friend ethanol and remained on Xanax. By age 21 and I have completely gone sober from Alcohol and turned full pelt onto marijuana and various types of pills. By this age I had experimented with methamphetamine, MDMA, LSD, cocaine, and 37 different prescription or over the counter pills. I was a bona fide pill junkie!
23 years old and I had an adult circumcision. Fucken ouch! This procedure was my downfall, it was here I fell in love with oxycodone and have never been opioid free since. Immediately I became addicted to opiates, thru the oxycodone, when I ran out I began using large amounts of codeine for my 'erection' pains! I gave up the benzo's at this time with the help of my drug nurse but I hid the codeine addiction from her, as I was too embarrased to admit I had already acquired a new and much more dangerous addiction. I kick myself for not addressing it then.
Fast foward 2 years and I am an utter mess and very sick on 1200mg's codeine per day, divided into 2 daily doses of 600mg. My weight has ballooned 26 kg's up to 85kg's and I AM FAT, well to me who is usually super slim at 59kg's I sure felt fat!
Occasionally swallowing benzo drugs for the hell of it and risking re addiction fucked my job up as I could barely string a sentence together when high, my boss cottoned on and I had to resign before I was fired to save my dignity. Suffering from high blood pressure, a heart murmur, anemia and vomiting daily I finally sought Suboxone, which immediately stabilized my life. I still tried to get high but it was half assed so I gave up.
Present day: No other drugs except for Suboxone, Lexapro, Caffeine and Nicotine. Marijuana was given up 6 months ago alongside cigarettes. Now only on nicotine gum. I still use Valium very sparingly and requested my doctor only give me small amounts at a time to avoid re addiction.
So that is the basics of my drug history. Of course there is so much more to tell.
I have all the time in the world to detail certain aspects of the past, which I will in due time!
I shall also post later in the day with my regular post when I feel alive as I promised myself to post daily updates. This is like a diary for me!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Sunday Smoky Sunday!
The reality of the bush fires in Victoria descended upon Melbourne with a hazy vengeance yest yesterday, remaining today and most likely for the rest of the week, making us look like Beijing on a good day! The smoke descending onto the city and surrounds from the outer city bushy areas, the smell of the burning wood a reminder that we are not safe entirely yet especially if the temperature hits 47.4c again like 'Black Saturday', (Sat 7th Feb, 09) The death toll is just awful. Minute silence.
A real time Google FIRE MAP of Melbourne and surrounds.
Enough of that, it really feels depressing here with all these fires still burning everywhere although none nowhere near my area thank God.
I also don't watch TV so I'm not confronted with these images every 5 seconds.
Let's hope we never experience an uncontained fire, ever.
So, anyway last night my main man ended up stayed over after an afternoon sms to me and helped me babysit my cousins 3 children. Fuck it was hard work looking after a 4 month old crying baby girl (but oh so cute!), a demanding 3 year old girl and an oft questioning 7 year old boy!
Thankfully it didn't go too bad at all except for a few crying and tantrum issues but kids seem to stop fairly quickly with me. I talk to them like adults and they stop misbehaving. It works for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here today...the asylum would've been needed!
I didn't get down to any action with the main man, we were both too tired although earlier I was secretly hoping for some. Amazingly I slept 6 hours last night and I attribute part of it to the exhausting task of sitting 3 children, and my main man staying in my bed the night.
I must examine this prospect more thoroughly, we really have some connection deeper than most although we argue fucken lots!
Being the drug addict I am, relationships disturb me as I don't like people knowing me so well but I want to live with this guy, I'll keep you informed! One proviso with him...
No more of this...
Or this...
Well I soon won't be doing both and it's my own choice, he is helping me achieve this goal and likes me!
Only 3 more days of Suboxone...tomorrow and the next two after it and that's it...game over. Reality will rear it's ugly head and sneer at me, grinning its toxic sentiments of 'you can't hide no more'. My inner alarm bells are going off more and more, as is the demon voice urging me to reconsider. Demanding I reconsider and remain on Suboxone for life. This voice turns vicious against me, so I know it's not my true inner voice as I am a really easygoing 'mind my own business' guy.
No I'm not schizophrenic or anything (that I know of!) and don't 'hear' voices as such like said people, rather they are simply 'thought' voices, compared to my true inner voice. That's the best I can explain it!
I also feel I am finally expanding my relationships with my main man, family and friends as I individually apologize to anyone who had to witness me overdosing pills, or were hurt by my drug use, or if I had ever lied to them about drug use.
It's helping me be more honest with myself and my loved ones and they in turn are warming to me more. Humble pie.
Well I'm off to get something for Lunch, not getting hungry often, I must stave off the anorexia causing aspect of Suboxone in me for a few more hours with a bite of food, lest I wither like an old prune (or the lady across the road!) Ouch! :P
For now, Au Revoir
The Fool!
A real time Google FIRE MAP of Melbourne and surrounds.
Enough of that, it really feels depressing here with all these fires still burning everywhere although none nowhere near my area thank God.
I also don't watch TV so I'm not confronted with these images every 5 seconds.
Let's hope we never experience an uncontained fire, ever.
So, anyway last night my main man ended up stayed over after an afternoon sms to me and helped me babysit my cousins 3 children. Fuck it was hard work looking after a 4 month old crying baby girl (but oh so cute!), a demanding 3 year old girl and an oft questioning 7 year old boy!
Thankfully it didn't go too bad at all except for a few crying and tantrum issues but kids seem to stop fairly quickly with me. I talk to them like adults and they stop misbehaving. It works for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here today...the asylum would've been needed!
I didn't get down to any action with the main man, we were both too tired although earlier I was secretly hoping for some. Amazingly I slept 6 hours last night and I attribute part of it to the exhausting task of sitting 3 children, and my main man staying in my bed the night.
I must examine this prospect more thoroughly, we really have some connection deeper than most although we argue fucken lots!
Being the drug addict I am, relationships disturb me as I don't like people knowing me so well but I want to live with this guy, I'll keep you informed! One proviso with him...
No more of this...
Or this...
Well I soon won't be doing both and it's my own choice, he is helping me achieve this goal and likes me!
Only 3 more days of Suboxone...tomorrow and the next two after it and that's it...game over. Reality will rear it's ugly head and sneer at me, grinning its toxic sentiments of 'you can't hide no more'. My inner alarm bells are going off more and more, as is the demon voice urging me to reconsider. Demanding I reconsider and remain on Suboxone for life. This voice turns vicious against me, so I know it's not my true inner voice as I am a really easygoing 'mind my own business' guy.
No I'm not schizophrenic or anything (that I know of!) and don't 'hear' voices as such like said people, rather they are simply 'thought' voices, compared to my true inner voice. That's the best I can explain it!
I also feel I am finally expanding my relationships with my main man, family and friends as I individually apologize to anyone who had to witness me overdosing pills, or were hurt by my drug use, or if I had ever lied to them about drug use.
It's helping me be more honest with myself and my loved ones and they in turn are warming to me more. Humble pie.
Well I'm off to get something for Lunch, not getting hungry often, I must stave off the anorexia causing aspect of Suboxone in me for a few more hours with a bite of food, lest I wither like an old prune (or the lady across the road!) Ouch! :P
For now, Au Revoir
The Fool!
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